
















. . . ■ i 

i 




















































































' 








' 














































A bAltV Fu&LICKTIor/oPTKE Bgy CU^E^ EySTANjWft) ItTERfrTURE- 


[V^I No. 270. Nov. 2, 1883. Annual Subscription, $60. flr 

o it 


Ithe 

MUDFOG 

PAPERS 


CHARLES DICKENS. 


a*, the Post Office, N. Y., as second-class matter, aft# 

copyright, im, by Joim W. Loriax Co. 


N£W YORK; 


+ Tot\N-W-I f o\ngl,I < -Co/\PA>rY^ Pi 

- %J ■ — - - ■ i • 14- &4* VlSJEY STREETK^i 


*1^ ‘Tr w vl 




LOVELL’S LIBRARY-CATALOGUE. 


1. Hyperion, by H. W, Longfellow. .20 62. 

2. Outre-Mer, by H. W. Longfellow. 20 

3. The Happy Boy, by BjOmson 10 

4. Arne, by Bjprnson 10 83. 

5. Frankenstein, by Mrs. Shelley... 10 64. 

6. The Last of tne Mohicans .20 

7 . Clytie, by Joseph Hatton 20 65. 

8. The Moonstone, by Collins, P’t 1. 10 66. 

9. The Moonstone, by Collins, P’tll. 10 67. 

10. Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens. 20 

11. The Coming Race, by Lytton....l0 68. 

12. Leila, by Lord Lytton 10 69. 

13. The Three Spaniards, by Walker. 20 70. 

14. TheTricks or the GreeksUnveiled.20 71. 

15. L’ Abbe Constantin, by Halevy..20 72. 

16. Freckles, by R. F. Redcliff. . ..20 73. 

17. The Dark Colleen, by Harriett Jay .20 74. 

18. They Were Married 1 by Walter 75. 

Besant and J ames Rice 10 76. 

19. Seekers after God, by Farrar 20 77. 

20. The Spanish Nun, by DeQuincey.10 78. 

21. The Green Mountain Boys.... ..20 79. 

22. Fleurette, by Eugene Scribe. 20 

23. Second Thoughts, by Broughton.20 80, 

24. The New Magdalen, by Collins. .20 81. 

25. Divorce, by Margaret Lee 20 82. 

26. Life of Washington, by Henley.. 20 83. 

27. Social Etiquette, by Mrs. Saville.15 

28. Single Heart and Double Face.. 10 84. 

29. Irene, by Carl Detlef 20 

30. Vice Yersfi, by F. Anstey .20 85. 

31. Ernest Mai tra vers, by Lord Lytton20 86. 

32. The Haunted House and Calderon 87. 

the Courtier, by Lord Lytton. .10 88. 

33. John Halifax, by Miss Muiock. . .20 89. 

34. 800 Leagues on the Amazon 10 90. 

85. The Cryptogram, by Jules Verne.10 91. 

36. Life of Marion, by Horry 20 

37. Paul and Virginia 10 : 92. 

38. Tale of Two Cities, by Dickens.. 2) 93. 

39. The Hermits, by Kingsley 20 94. 

40. An Adventure in Thule, "and Mar- 

riage of Moira Fergus, Black . 10 95, 

41. A Marriage in P igh Life 20 

42. Robin, by Mrs. Parr 20 96. 

43. Two on a Tower, by Thos Hardy.20 97. 

44. Rasselas, by Samuel Johnson 10 98. 

45. Alice; or, the Mysteries, being 99. 

Part II. of Ernest Maltravers. .20 100. 

46. Duke of Kandos, by A. Mathey...20 

47. Baron Munchausen ..10 101. 

48. A Princess of Thule, by Black. 20 102. 

49. The Secret Despatch, by Grant, 20 

50. Early Days of Christianity, by 103. 

Canon Farrar, D D , Part I 20 

Early Days of Christianity, Pt. 11.20 104. 

51. Vicar of Wakefield, by Goldsmith. 10 

52. Progress and Poverty, by Henry 105. 

George 20 

53. The Spy, by Cooper... 20 106. 

54. East Lynne, by Mrs. Wood... 20 

55. A Strange Story, by Lord Lytton... 20 107. 

56. Adam Bede, by Eliot, Part I.. .. .15 

Adam Bede, Part II 15 108. 

57. The Golden Shaft, by Gibbon 20 109. 

58. Portia, by The Duchess ,.20 110 o 

59. Last Days of Pompeii, by Lytton.. 20 111. 

60. The Two Duchesses, by Mathey. .20 112. 

61. Tom Brown’s School Days 20 


The Wooing O’t, by Mrs. Alex- 
ander, Parti 15 

The Wooing O’t, Part II 15 

The Vendetta, by Balzac 20 

Hypatia, by C has. Kingsley, P’tl. 15 
Hypatia, by Kingsley, Part II — 15 
Selma, by Mrs. J. G/ Smith. — 15 
Margaret and her Bridesmaids. .20 
Horse Shoe Robinson, Part I.,.. 15 
Horse Shoe Robinson, Part II.* . 15 

Gulliver’s Travels, by Swift 20 

Amos Barton, by George Eliot... 10 

The Berber, bv W E . Mayo 20 

Silas Marner, by George Eliot. . .10 

The Queen of the County 20 

Life of Cromweli, by Hood... 15 
Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte. 20 
Child’s History of England. .... .20 
Molly Bawn, by The Duchess. . .20 

Pilk-ne, by William BergsOe 15 

Phyllis, by The Duchess 20 

Romola, by Geo. Eliot, Parti. . .15 
Romola, by Geo. Eliot, Part II. .15 

Science in Short Chapters 20 

Zanoni, by Lord Lytton 20 

A Daughter of Heth 20 

The Right and Wrong Uses of 
the Bible, R. Heber Newton... 20 

Night and Morning, Pt. 1 15 

Night and Morning, Part II 15 

Shandon Bells, by Wm. Black. .20 

Monica, by the Duchess 10 

Heart and Science, by Collins. , .20 
The Golden Calf, by Braddon. . .20 

The Dean’s Daughter. .20 

Mrs. Geoffrey, by The Duchess. .20 

Pickwick Papers, Part I .20 

Pickwick Papers, Part II 20 

Airy, Fairy Lilian, The Duchess. 20 
McLeod of Dare, by Wm. Black. 20 
Tempest Tossed, by Tilton. P’t I 20 
Tqmpest Tossed, by Tilton, P’t II 20 
Letters from High Latitudes, by 

Lord Du Serin 20 

Gideon Fleyce, by Lucy 20 

India and Ceylon, E. Haeckel . .20 

The Gypsy Queen 20 

The Admiral’s Ward 20 

N import, by E. L. Bynner. P’t I.. 15 
Niraport. byE. L. Bynner, P’t II. 15 

Harry Holbrooke 20 

Tritons, by E. L. Bynner. P’t I. ..15 
Tritons, by E. L. Bynner P til .35 
Let Nothing You Dimay, by 

Walter Besant 20 

Lady Audiey’s Secret, )V Miss 

M. E. Braddon . ftQ 

Woman’s Place To-day. by Mrs. 

Lillie Devereux Blake 20 

Dunallan, by Kennedy, Parti. . .35 
Dunallan, by Kennedy, Part II. .15 
Housekeeping and Home-mak- 
ing, by Marion Harland 15 

No New Thing, by W. E. Norris. 20 

The Spoopendyke Papers. 2G 

False Hopes, by Goldwin Smith. 1 

Labor and Capital & 

War.da, by Ouida, Part I 1 j 

Wanda, by Ouida, PartH. 


MUDFOG PAPERS, ETC. 


FULL REPORT 


OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG AS- 
SOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EV- 
ERYTHING. 

We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary 
exertions to place before our readers a complete and accurate 
account of the proceedings at the late grand meeting of the 
Mudfog Association, holden in the town of Mudfog ; it affords 
us great happiness to lay the result before them, in the shape of 
various communications received from our able, talented, and 
graphic correspondent, expressly sent down for the purpose, 
who has immortalized us, himself, Mudfog, and the association, 
all at one and the same time. We have been, indeed, for some 
days unable to determine who will transmit the greatest name 
to posterity, — ourselves, who sent our correspondent down ; our 
correspondent, who wrote an account of the matter; or the as- 
sociation, who gave our correspondent something to write about. 
We rather incline to the opinion that we are the greatest man 
of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive and au- 
thentic report originated with us ; this may be prejudice; it may 
arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favor. Be it 
so. We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in this 
mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a 
greater or less degree ; and it is a consolation to us to know 
that we have at least this feeling in common with the great 
scientific stars, the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose 
speculations we record. 

We give our correspondent’s letters in the order in which 
they reached us. Any attempt at amalgamating them into one 
beautiful whole would only destroy that glowingtone, that dash 
of wildness, and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade 
them throughout. 

“ Mudfog, Monday night, seven o’clock. 

“We are in a state of great excitement here. Nothing is 

(596) 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


597 


spoken of, but the approaching meeting of the association. The 
inn-doors are thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the 
expected arrivals ; and the numerous bills which are watered up 
in the windows of private houses, intimating that there are 
beds to let within, give the streets a very animated and cheer- 
ful appearance, the wafers being of a great variety of colors, and 
the monotony of printed inscriptions being relieved by every 
possible size and style of handwriting. It is confidently 
rumored that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy have engaged 
three beds and a sitting-room at the Pig and Tinder-Box. I 
give you the rumor as it has reached me ; but I cannot, as yet, 
vouch for its accuracy. The moment I have been enabled to 
obtain any certain information upon this interesting point, you 
may depend upon receiving it.” 


“ Half-past seven. 

I have just returned from a personal interview with the 
landlord of the Pig and Tinder-box. He speaks confidently of 
the probability of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking 
up their residence at his house during the sitting of the asso- 
ciation, but denies that the beds have been yet engaged ; in which 
representation he is confirmed by the chambermaid, — a girl of 
artless manners, and interesting appearance. The boots denies 
that it is at all likely that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy 
will put up here ; but I have reason to believe that this man has 
been suborned by the proprietor of the Original Pig, which is 
the opposition hotel. Amidst such conflicting testimony it is 
difficult to arrive at the real truth ; but you may depend upon 
receiving authentic information upon this point the moment the 
fact is ascertained. The excitement still continues. A boy fell 
through the window of the pastry-cook’s shop at the corner of 
the high street about an hour ago, which has occasioned much 
confusion. The general impression is that it was an accident. 
Pray Heaven it may prove so ! ” 


* Tuesday, noon. 

“ At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches 
struck seven o’clock ; the effect of which, in the present lively 
state of the town, was extremely singular. While I was at 
breakfast, a yellow gig, drawn by a dark gray horse, with a 
patch of white over his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace 
in the direction of the Original Pig stables ; it is currently re- 
ported that this gentleman has arrived here for the purpose of 
attending the association, and, from what I have heard, I con- 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TION. 


59 8 

sider it extremely probable, although nothing decisive is yet 
known regarding him. You may conceive the anxiety with 
which we are all looking forward to the arrival of the four o’clock 
coach this afternoon. 

“ Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no out- 
rage has yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline 
and discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen. A 
barrel-organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of 
people, offering fish and vegetables for sale, parade the 
streets. With these exceptions everything is quiet and I trust 
will continue so.” 


u Five o’clock. 

“ It is now ascertained beyond all doubt that Professors 
Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will not repair to the Pig and Tinder- 
Box, but have actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig. 
This intelligence is exclusive ; and I leave you and your readers 
to draw their own inferences from it. Why Professor Wheezy, 
of all people in the world, should repair to the Original Pig in 
preference to the Pig and Tinder-Box, it is not easy to conceive. 
The professor is a man who should be above all such petty feel- 
ings. Some people here openly impute treachery and a distinct 
breach of faith to Professors Snore, and Doze; while others, 
again, are disposed to acquit them of any culpability in the 
transaction, and to insinuate that the blame rests solely with 
Professor Wheezy. I own that I incline to the latter opinion ; 
and, although it gives me great pain to speak in terms of cen- 
sure or disapprobation of a man of such transcendent genius and 
acquirements, still I am bound to say, that if my suspicions be 
well founded, and if all the reports which have reached my 
ears be true, I really do not well know what to make of the 
matter. 

“ Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, 
arrived this afternoon by the four o’clock stage. His com- 
plexion is a dark purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly. 
He looked extremely well, and appeared in high health and 
spirits. Mr. Woodensconse also came down in the same con- 
veyance. The distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his 
arrival, and I am informed by the guard that he had been so, 
the whole way. He was, no doubt, preparing for his approach- 
ing fatigues ; but what gigantic visions must those be that flit 
through the brain of such a man when his body is in a state of 
torpidity ! 

“ The influx of visitors increases every moment. I am told 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


599 


(I know not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the 
Original Pig within the last half-hour ; and I myself observed 
a wheelbarrow, containing three carpet-bags and a bundle, enter- 
ing the yard of the Pig and Tinder-Box no longer ago than five 
minutes since. The people are still quietly pursuing their or- 
dinary occupations ; but there is a wildness in their eyes, and 
an unwonted rigidity in the muscles of their countenances, which 
shows to the observant spectator that their expectations are 
strained to the very utmost pitch. I fear, unless some very 
extraordinary arrivals take place to-night, that consequences 
may arise from this popular ferment, which every man of sense 
and feeling would deplore.” 

“ Twenty minutes past six. 

“ I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastry- 
cook’s window last night has died of the fright. He was sud- 
denly called upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage 
done, and his constitution, it seems, was not strong enough to 
bear up against the shock. The inquest, it is said, will be held 
to-morrow.” 

“ Three quarters past seven. 

“ Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the 
hotel door ; they at once ordered dinner with great condescen- 
sion. We are all very much delighted with the urbanity of 
their manners, and the ease with which they adapt themselves 
to the forms and ceremonies of ordinary life. Immediately on 
their arrival they sent for the head-waiter, and privately re- 
quested him to purchase a live dog, — as cheap a one as he 
could meet with, — and to send him up after dinner, with a pie- 
board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate. It is conjectured 
that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to-night ; if 
any particulars should transpire I will forward them by ex- 
press.” * 

“ Half-past eight. 

“ The animal has been procured. He is a pug-dog, of 
rather intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very 
short legs. He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, 
and is howling dreadfully.” 

“Ten minutes to nine. 

“ The dog has just been rung for. With an instinct which 
would appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal 
seized the waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to 
take him, and made a desperate, though ineffectual resistance. 


6oo 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIA TION. 


I have not been able to procure admission to the apartment 
occupied by the scientific gentlemen ; but, judging from the 
sounds which reached my ears when I stood upon the landing- 
place just now, outside the door, I should be disposed to say 
that the dog had retreated growling beneath some article of 
furniture, and was keeping the professors at bay. This con- 
jecture is confirmed by the testimony of the ostler, who, after 
peeping through the keyhole, assures me that he distinctly saw 
Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a small bottle of 
prussic acid, which the animal, who was crouched beneath 
an arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell. You cannot im- 
agine the feverish state of irritation we are in, lest the interests 
of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a brute crea- 
ture, who is not endowed with sufficient sense to foresee the 
incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derive 
from so very slight a concession on his part.” 


Lt Nine o’clock. 

“ The dog’s tail and ears have been sent down stairs to be 
washed; from which circumstance we infer that the animal is 
no more. His forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be 
brushed, which strengthens the supposition.” 

“ Half after ten. 

“ My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place 
in the course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely 
strength to detail the rapid succession of events which have 
quite bewildered all those who are cognizant of their occur- 
rence. It appears that the pug-dog mentioned in my last was 
surreptitiously obtained, — stolen, in fact, — by some person at- 
tached to the stable department, from an unmarried lady resi- 
dent in this town. Frantic on discovering the loss of her 
favorite, the lady rushed distractedly into the street, calling in 
the most heart-rending and pathetic manner upon the passen- 
gers to restore her her Augustus, — for so the deceased was 
named, in affectionate remembrance of a former lover of his 
mistress, to whom he bore a striking personal resemblance, 
which renders the circumstance additionally affecting. I am 
not yet in a condition to inform you what circumstances in- 
duced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to the hotel which 
had witnessed the last struggles of her protege. I can only 
state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his de- 
tached members were passing through the passage on a small 
tray. Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears l I grieve to 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TJON. 601 

say that the expressive features of Professor Muff were much 
scratched and lacerated by the injured lady ; and that Profes- 
sor Nogo, besides sustaining several severe bites, has lost some 
handfuls of hair from the same cause. It must be some con- 
solation to these gentlemen to know that their ardent attach- 
ment to scientific pursuits has alone occasioned these un 
pleasant consequences ; for which the sympathy of a grateful 
country will sufficiently reward them. The unfortunate lady 
remains at the Pig and Tinder-Box, and up to this time is re- 
ported in a very precarious state. 

“ I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe 
has cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhil- 
aration ; natural - in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by 
the amiable qualities of the deceased animal, who appears to 
have been much and deservedly respected by the whole of his 
acquaintance.” 

“ Twelve o’clock. 

“ I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to in- 
form you that the boy who fell through the pastry-cook’s window 
is not dead, as was universally believed, but alive and well. 
The report appears to have had its origin in his mysterious dis- 
appearance. He was found half an hour since on the premises 
of a sweet-stuff maker, where a raffle had been announced for 
a second-hand seal-skin cap and a tambourine ; and where — a 
sufficient number of members not having been obtained at first 
— he had patiently waited until the list was completed. This 
fortunate discovery has in some degree restored our gayety and 
cheerfulness. It is proposed to get up a subscription for him 
without delay. 

“ Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow 
will bring forth. If any one should arrive in the course of the 
night, I have left strict directions to be called immediately. I 
should have sat up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day 
have been too much for me. 

“ No news, yet, of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or 
Wheezy. It is very strange ! ” 

“ Wednesday afternoon. 

“ All is now over ; and upon one point, at least, I am at 
length enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest. The 
three professors arrived at ten minutes after two o’clock, and, 
instead of taking up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it 
was universally understood in the course of yesterday that they 
would assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig and Tin- 


6 o 2 THE mudfog association. 

der-Box, wfiere they threw off the mask at once, and openly 
announced their intention of remaining. Professor Wheezy 
. may reconcile this very extraordinary conduct with his notions 
of fair and equitable dealing, but I would recommend Professor 
Wheezy to be cautious how he presumes too far upon his well- 
earned reputation. How such a man as Professor Snore, or, 
which is still more extraordinary, such an individual as Pro- 
fessor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be mixed up with 
such proceedings as these, you will naturally inquire. Upon 
this head rumor is silent ; I have my speculations, but forbear 
to give utterance to them just now.” 

“ Four o’clock. 

“The town is filling fasfe ; eighteen pence has been offered 
for a bed and refused. Several gentlemen were under the 
necessity last night of sleeping in the brick-fields, and on the 
steps of doors, for which they were taken before the magis- 
trates in a body this morning, and committed to prison as va- 
grants for various terms. One of these persons I understand 
to be a highly respectable tinker, of great practical skill, who 
had forwarded a paper to the president of Section D, Mechani- 
cal Science, on the construction of pipkins with copper bottoms 
and safety-valves, of which report speaks highly. The incar- 
ceration of this gentleman is greatly to be regretted, as his ab- 
sence will preclude any discussion on the subject. 

“ The bills are being taken down in all directions, and Lodg- 
ings are being secured on almost any terms. I have heard of 
fifteen shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and 
attendance, but I can scarcely believe it. The excitement is 
dreadful. I was informed this morning that the civil authori- 
ties, apprehensive of some outbreak of popular feeling, had 
commanded a recruiting serjeant and two corporals to be under 
arms ; and that, with the view of not irritating the people un- 
necessarily by their presence, they had been requested to take 
up their position before daybreak in a turnpike, distant about a 
quarter of a mile from the town. The vigor and promptness 
of these measures cannot be too highly extolled. 

“Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly fe- 
male, in a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street 
her intention to ‘ do ’ for Mr. Slug. Some statistical returns 
compiled by that gentleman, relative to the consumption of raw 
spirituous liquors in this place, are supposed to be the cause of 
the wretch’s animosity. It is added, that this declaration was 
loudly cheered by a crowd of persons who had assembled on 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TION . 603 

the spot ; and that one man had the boldness to designate Mr. 
Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of 4 Stick-in-the-mud ! ’ 
It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when the moment has ar- 
rived for their interference, the magistrates will not shrink from 
the exercise of that power which is vested in them by the con- 
stitution of our common country.” 

“ Half-past ten. 

“ The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been com- 
pletely quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody. She 
had a pail of cold water thrown over her, previous to being 
locked up, and expresses great contrition and uneasiness. We 
are all in a fever of anticipation about to-morrow ; but now that 
we are within a few hours of the meeting of the association, 
and at last enjoy the proud consciousness of having its illus- 
trious members amongst us, I trust and hope everything may 
go off peaceably. I shall send you a full report of to-morrow’s 
proceedings by the night coach.” 

“ Eleven o’clock. 

“ I open my letter to say nothing whatever has occurred 
since I folded it up.” 

“ Thursday. 

“The sun rose this morning at the usual hour. I did not 
observe anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, 
except that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion 
of my heightened fancy) to shine with more than common 
brilliancy, and to shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such 
as I had never observed before. This is the more extraordi- 
nary, as the sky was perfectly cloudless, and the atmosphere 
peculiarly fine. At half past nine o’clock the general committee 
assembled, with the last year’s president in the chair. The re- 
port of the council was read ; and one passage, which stated 
that the council had corresponded with no less than three thou- 
sand five hundred and seventy-one persons (all of whom paid 
their own postage), on no fewer than seven thousand two hun- 
dred and forty-three topics, was received with a degree of en- 
thusiasm which no effort could suppress. The various com- 
mittees and sections having been appointed, and the mere for- 
mal business transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting 
commenced at eleven o’clock precisely. I had the happiness 
of occupying a most eligible position at that time, in 

“ SECTION A. — ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. 

‘ GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX. 

“ PRESIDENT — PROFESSOR SNORE. VICE-PRESIDENTS — 

“ PROFESSORS DOZE AND WHEEZY 


604 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


“ The scene at this moment was particularly striking. The 
sun streamed through the windows of the apartments, and 
tinted the whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in 
strong relief the noble visages of the professors and scientific 
gentlemen, who, some with bald heads, some with red heads, 
some with brown heads, some with gray heads, some with black 
heads, some with block heads, presented a coup-d'ceil which no 
eye-witness will readily forget. In front of these gentlemen 
were papers and inkstands ; and round the room, on elevated 
benches extending as far as the forms could reach, were as- 
sembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely and elegant women 
for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without a rival 
in the whole world. The contrast between their fair faces and 
the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall 
never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat. 

“ Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occa- 
sioned by the falling down of the greater#part of the platforms, 
to subside, the president called on one of the secretaries to 
read a communication entitled, 4 Some remarks on the industri- 
ous fleas, with considerations on the importance of establishing 
infant schools among that numerous class of society ; of direct- 
ing their industry to useful and practical ends ; and of applying 
the surplus fruits thereof, towards providing for them a com- 
fortable and respectable maintenance in their old age.’ 

“ The Author stated, that, having long turned his attention 
to t'he moral and social condition of these interesting animals, 
he had been induced to visit an exhibition in Regent Street, 
London, commonly known by the designation of ‘The Indus- 
trious Fleas.’ He had there seen many fleas, occupied cer- 
tainly in various pursuits and avocations, but occupied, he was 
bound to add, in a manner which no man of well-regulated 
mind could fail to regard with sorrow and regret. One flea, 
reduced to the level of a beast of burden, was drawing about 
a miniature gig, containing a particularly small effigy of his 
Grace the Duke of Wellington ; while another was staggering 
beneath the weight of a golden model of his great adversary 
Napoleon Bonaparte. Some, brought up as mountebanks and 
ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he regretted to 
observe that, of the fleas so employed, several were females) ; 
others were in training, in a small card-board box, for pedestrians, 
— mere sporting characters, — and two were actually engaged in 
the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; a pur- 
suit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust. 
He suggested that measures should be immediately taken to 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


605 

employ the labor of these fleas as part and parcel of the pro- 
ductive power of the country, which might easily be done by 
the establishment among them of infant schools and houses of 
industry, in which a system of virtuous education, based upon 
sound principles, should be observed, and moral precepts strictly 
inculcated. He proposed that every flea who presumed to ex- 
hibit, for hire, music or dancing, or any species of theatrical 
entertainment, without a license, should be considered a vaga- 
bond, and treated accordingly ; in which respect he only placed 
him upon a level with the rest of mankind. He would further 
suggest that their labor should be placed under the control and 
regulation of the State, who should set apart from the profits 
a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas, their 
widows and orphans. With this view, he proposed that liberal 
premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a 
general almshouse; from which — as insect architecture was 
well known to be in a very advanced and perfect state — we 
might possibly derive many valuable hints for the improvement 
of our metropolitan universities, national galleries, and other 
public edifices. 

“ The President wished to be informed how the ingenious 
gentleman proposed to open a communication with fleas gener- 
ally, in the first instance, so that they might be thoroughly im- 
bued with a sense of the advantages they must necessarily 
derive from changing their mode of life, and apply themselves 
to honest labor. This appeared to him the only difficult}*. 

“ The author submitted that this difficulty was easily over- 
come, or rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case. 
Obviously the course to be pursued, if her Majesty’s government 
could be prevailed upon to take up the plan, would be to secure, 
at a remunerative salary, the individual to whom he had alluded 
as presiding over the exhibition in Regent Street at the period 
of his visit. That gentleman would at once be able to put him- 
self in communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct 
them in pursuance of some general plan of education, to be 
sanctioned by Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent 
among them were advanced enough to officiate as teachers to 
the rest. 

“ The President and several members of the section highly 
complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most 
ingenious and important treatise. It was determined that the 
subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration 
of the council. 

“ Mr. Wigsby produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than 


6o6 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TIOJV. 


a chaise-umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial 
means than the simple application of highly carbonated soda- 
water as manure. He explained that by scooping out the head, 
which would afford a new and delicious species 'of nourishment 
for the poor, a parachute, in principle somewhat similar to that 
constructed by M. Garnerin, was at once obtained ; the stalk 
•f course being kept downwards. He added that he was per- 
fectly willing to make a descent from a height of not less than 
three miles and a quarter ; and had, in fact, already proposed 
the same to the proprietors of the Vauxhall Gardens, who, in 
the handsomest manner, at once consented to his wishes, and 
appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; 
merely stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be pre- 
viously broken in three or four places to insure the safety of 
the descent. 

“ The President congratulated the public on the grand gala 
in store for them, and warmly eulogized the proprietors of the 
establishment alluded to, for their love of science, and regard 
for the safety of human life, both of which did them the highest 
honor. 

“ A member wished to know how many thousand additional 
lamps the royal property would be illuminated with, on the night 
after the descent. 

“ Mr. Wigsby replied that the point was not yet finally de- 
cided ; but he believed it was proposed, over and above the or- 
dinary illuminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions 
and a half of additional lamps. 

“ The member expressed himself much gratified with this 
announcement. 

“ Mr. Blunderum delighted the section with a most interest- 
ing and valuable paper 4 on the last moments of the learned 
pig/ which produced a very strong impression upon the assem- 
bly, the account being compiled from the personal recollections 
of his favorite attendant. The account stated in the most em- 
phatic terms that the animal’s name was not Toby, but Solo- 
mon ; and distinctly proved that he could have no near relatives 
in the profession, as many designing persons had falsely stated, 
inasmuch as his father, mother, brothers and sisters, had all 
fallen victims to the butcher at different times. An uncle of 
his, indeed, had with very great labor been traced to a sty in 
Somers Town ; but as he was in a very infirm state at the time, 
being afflicted with measles, and shortly afterwards disappeared, 
there appeared too much reason to conjecture that he had been 
converted into sausages. The disorder of the learned pig was 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIA TION. 607 

originally a severe cold, which, being aggravated by excessive 
trough indulgence, finally settled upon the lungs, and terminated 
in a general decay of the -constitution. A melancholy instance 
of a presentiment entertained by the animal of his approaching 
dissolution was recorded. After gratifying a numerous and 
fashionable company with his performances, in which no falling- 
off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the biographer, 
and, turning to the watch, which lay on the lloor, and on which 
he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately passed 
his snout twice around the dial. In precisely four-and-twenty 
hours from that time he had ceased to exist ! 

“ Professor Wheezy inquired whether, previous to his de- 
mise, the animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any 
wishes regarding the disposal of his little property. 

“ Mr. Blunderum replied, that, when the biographer took 
up the pack of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the 
animal grunted several times in a significant manner, and 
nodded his head as he was accustomed to do when gratified. 
From these gestures, it was understood he wished the attendant 
to keep the cards, which he had ever since done. He had not 
expressed any wish relative to his watch, which had accordingly 
been pawned by the same individual. 

“ The President wished to know whether any member of 
the section had ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, 
who was reported to have worn a black velvet mask, and to have 
taken her meals from a golden trough. 

“ After some Hesitation a member replied that the pig-faced 
lady was his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the president 
would not violate the sanctity of private life. 

“ The President begged pardon. He had considered the 
pig-faced lady a public character. Would the honorable mem 
ber object to state, with a view to the advancement of science, 
whether she was in any way connected with the learned pig ? 

“ The member replied in the same low tone, that, as the 
question appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig 
might be his half-brother, he must decline answering it. 

“ SECTION B.— ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. 

“ COACH-HOUSE. PIG AND TINDE^R-BOX. 

“ PRESIDENT — DR. TOORELL. VICE-PRESIDENTS — PROFESSORS MUFF AND NOCO. 

“ Dr. Kutankumagen (of Moscow) read to the section a 
report of a case which had occurred within his own practice, 
strikingly illustrative of the power of medicine, as exemplified 
in his successful treatment of a virulent disorder. He had 


6o8 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


been called in to visit the patient on the ist of April, 1837, 
He was then laboring under symptoms peculiarly alarming to 
any medical man. His frame was stout and muscular, his step 
firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and red, his voice loud, his 
appetite good, his pulse full and round. He was in the constant 
habit of eating three meals per diem , and of drinking at least 
one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous liquors diluted 
with water, in the course of four-and-twenty hours. He laughed 
constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it was terrible to 
hear him. By dint of powerful medicine, low diet and bleeding, 
the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly decreased. 
A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment for only 
one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel, weak 
broth and barley-water, led to their entire disappearance. In 
the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered to be carried 
down stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a close 
carriage, supported by soft pillows. At the present moment 
he was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistance 
of a crutch and a boy. It would perhaps be gratifying to the 
section to learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little, and 
was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever. 

“ Dr. W. R. Fee, in complimenting the honorable member 
upon the triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask 
whether the patient still bled freely ? 

“Dr. Kutankumagen replied in the affirmative. 

“Dr. W. R. Fee. — And you found that he bled freely dur- 
ing the whole course of the disorder? 

“Dr. Kutankumagen. — O dear, yes; most freely. 

“ Dr. Neeshawts supposed, that if the patient had not sub- 
mitted to be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so 
extraordinary a cure could never, in fact, have been accom- 
plished. Dr. Kutankumagen rejoined, certainly not. 

“ Mr. Knight Bell (M. R. C. S.) exhibited a wax prepara- 
tion of the interior of a gentleman who in early life had inad- 
vertently swallowed a door-key. It was a curious fact that a 
medical student of dissipated habits, being present at the post - 
mo?'tem examination, found means to escape unobserved from 
the room, with that portion of the coats of the stomach upon 
which an exact model of the instrument was distinctly im- 
pressed, with which he hastened to a locksmith of doubtful 
character, who made a new key from the pattern so shown to 
him. With this key the medical student entered the house of 
the deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to a large 
amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed. 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 609 

“ The President wished to know what became of the orig- 
inal key after the lapse .of years. Mr. Knight Bell replied that 
the gentleman was always much accustomed to punch, and it 
was supposed the acid had gradually devoured it. 

“ Dr. Neeshawts and several of the members were of opin- 
ion that the key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the 
gentleman’s stomach. 

“ Mr. Knight Bell believed it did at first. It was worthy 
of remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was 
troubled with nightmare, under the influence of which he 
always imagined himself a wine-cellar door. 

“ Professor Muff related a very extraordinary and convinc- 
ing proof of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinites- 
imal doses, which the section were doubtless aware was based 
upon the theory that the very minutest amount of any given 
drug, properly dispersed through the human frame, would be 
productive of precisely the same result as a very large dose 
administered in the usual manner. Thus, the fortieth part of 
a grain of calomel was supposed to be equal to a five-grain 
calomel pill, and so on in proportion throughout the whole 
range of medicine. He had tried the experiment in a curious 
manner upon a publican who had been brought into the hos- 
pital with a broken head, and was cured upon the infinitesimal 
system in the incredibly short space of three months. This 
man was a hard drinker. He (Professor Muff) had dispersed 
three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested 
the man to drink the whole. What was the result ? Before 
he had drunk- a quarter, he was in a state of beastly intoxica- 
tion ; and five other men were made dead-drunk with the 
remainder. 

“ The President wished to know whether an infinitesimal 
dose of soda-water would have recovered them ? Professor 
Muff replied that the twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, prop- 
erly administered to each patient, would have sobered him 
immediately. The President remarked that this was a most 
important discovery, and he hoped the Lord Mayor and Court 
of Aldermen would patronize it immediately. 

“ A member begged to be informed whether it would be 
possible to administer — say, the twentieth part of a grain of 
bread and cheese to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part 
to children, with the same satisfying effect as their present 
allowance. 

“ Professor Muff was willing to stake his professional rep- 
utation on the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to 


6io 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A IVON. 


the support of human life, — in work-houses ; the addition of 
the fifteenth part of a grain of pudding twice a week would 
render it a high diet. 

“ Professor Nogo called th^ attention of the section to a 
very extraordinary case of animal magnetism. A private 
watchman, being merely looked at by the operator from the 
opposite side of a wide street, was at once observed to be in 
a very drowsy and languid state. He was followed to his 
box, and being once slightly rubbed on the palms of the hands, 
fell into a sound sleep, in which he continued without inter- 
mission for ten hours. 

“ SECTION C. — STATISTICS. 

“ HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG. 

“ PRESIDENT — MR. WOODENSCONSE. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MR. LEDBRAIN AND MR. 

TIMBERED. 

“ Mr. Slug stated to the section the result of some calcu- 
lations he had made with great difficulty and labor, regarding 
the state of infant education among the middle classes of 
London. He found that, within a circle of three miles from 
the Elephant and Castle, the following were the names and 
numbers of children’s books principally in circulation : — 

** Jack the Giant-killer . 7 j943 

Ditto and Bean-stalk 8,621 

Ditto and Eleven Brothers 2,845 

Ditto and Jill 1,998 

Total ........ . 21,407 

“ He found that the proportion of Robihson Crusoes to 
Philip Quarles was as four and a half to one ; and that the 
preponderance of Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two 
Shoeses was as three and an eighth of the former to half a one 
of the latter y a comparison of Seven Champions with Simple 
Simons gave the same result. The ignorance that prevailed 
was lamentable. One child, on being asked whether he would 
rather be Saint George of England or a respectable tallow- 
chandler, instantly replied, 4 Taint George of Ingling.’ An- 
other, a little boy of eight years old, was found to be firmly 
impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, and openly 
stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rusli forth 
sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and 
the promiscuous slaughter of giants. Not one child among the 
number interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park, — some 
inquiring whether he was at all connected with the black man 
that swept the crossing ; and others whether lie was in any 
way related to the Regent’s Park. They had not the slightest 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION, 


611 

conception of the commonest principles of mathematics, and 
considered Sinbad the Sailor the most enterprising voyager 
that the world had ever produced. ♦ 

“ A member strongly deprecating the use of all the other 
books mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps 
be exempted from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero 
and heroine, in the very outset of the tale, were depicted as 
going up a hill to fetch a pail of water, which was a laborious 
and useful occupation, — supposing the family linen was being 
washed, for instance. 

“ Mr. Slug feared that the moral effect of this passage was 
more than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of 
the poem, in which very gross allusion was made to the mode 
in which the heroine was personally chastised by her mother 

“ ‘ For laughing at Jack’s disaster ’ ; 

besides, the whole work had this one great fault, it was ?iot true, 

“ The President complimented the honorable member on 
the excellent distinction he had drawn. Several other members, 
too, dwelt upon the immense and urgent necessity of storing 
the minds of children with nothing but facts and figures ; which 
process the President very forcibly remarked, had made them 
(the section) the men they were. 

“ Mr. Slug then stated some curious calculations respecting 
the dogs’-meat barrows of London. Pie found that the total 
number of small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing pro- 
visions to the cats and dogs of the metropolis was one thousand 
seven hundred and forty-three. The average number of skewers 
delivered daily with the provender by each dogs’-meat cart or 
barrow was thirty-six. Now, multiplying the number of skewers 
so delivered, by the number of barrows, a total of sixty-two 
thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers daily would be 
obtained. Allowing that, of these sixty-two thousand seven 
hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd two thousand seven 
hundred and forty- eight were accidentally devoured with the 
meat, by the most voracious of the animals supplied, it followed 
that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the enormous number 
of twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand skewers annually, 
were wasted in the kennels, and dust-holes of London ; which, 
if collected and warehoused, would in ten years’ time afford a 
mass of timber more than sufficient for the construction of a 
first-rate vessel of war for the use of her Majesty’s navy, to be 
called ‘ The Royal Skewer,’ and to become under that name 
the terroi^of all the enemies of this island. 


6l2 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TION \ 


“ Mr. X. Ledbrain read a very ingenious communication, 
from which it appeared that the total number of legs belonging 
to the manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire 
was, in round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number 
of chair and stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, 
which, upon the very favorable average of three legs to a seat, 
yielded only ten thousand seats in all. From this calculation 
it would appear — not taking wooden or cork legs into the 
account, but allowing two legs to every person — that ten 
thousand individuals (one half of the whole population) were 
either destitute of any rest for their legs at all, or passed the 
whole of their leisure time in sitting upon boxes. 

“ SECTION D. — MECHANICAL SCIENCE. 

“ COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG. 

“ PRESIDENT — MR* CARTER. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MR. TRUfcK AND MR. WAGHORN. 

“ Professor Queerspeck exhibited an elegant model of a 
portable railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the 
waistcoat pocket. By attaching this beautiful instrument to his 
boots, any bank or public-office clerk could transport himself 
from his place of residence to his place of business, at the easy 
rate of sixty-five miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of se- 
dentary pursuits, would be an incalculable advantage. 

“ The President was desirous of knowing whether it was 
necessary to have a level surface on which the gentleman was 
to run. 

“ Professor Queerspeck explained that City gentlemen would 
run in trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or 
unpleasantness. For instance, trains would start every morn- 
ing at eight, nine, and ten o’clock, from Camden Town, Islington, 
Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City 
gentlemen are accustomed to reside. It would be necessary to 
have a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by pro- 
posing that the best line that the circumstances would admit of 
should be taken through the sewers which undermine the 
streets of the metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from 
the gas-pipes which run immediately above them, would form 
a pleasant and commodious arcade, especially in winter-time, 
when the inconvenient custom of carrying umbrellas, now 
general, could be wholly dispensed with. In reply to another 
question, Professor Queerspeck stated that no substitute for 
the purposes to which these arcades were at present devoted 
had yet occurred to him, but that he hoped no fanciful objection 
on this head would be allowed to interfere with so great an un- 
dertaking. • 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 613 

“ Mr. Jobba produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, 
for bringing joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium. 
The instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass 
of most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by 
strings, after the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings 
being always pulled by the directors of the company to which 
the machine belonged. The quicksilver was so ingeniously 
placed, that when the acting directors held shares in their 
pockets, figures denoting very small expenses and very large 
returns appeared upon the glass ; but the moment the directors 
parted with these pieces of paper, the estimate of needful ex- 
penditure suddenly increased itself to an immense extent, while 
the statements of certain profits became reduced in the same 
proportion. Mr. Jobba stated that the machine had been in 
constant requisition for some months past, and he had never 
once known it to fail. 

“ A member expressed his opinion that it was extremely 
neat and pretty. He wished to know whether it was not liable 
to accidental derangement? Mr. Jobba said that the whole 
machine was undoubtedly liable to be blown up, but that was 
the only objection to it. 

“ Professor Nogo arrived from the anatomical section to 
exhibit a model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at 
any time, in less than half an hour, and by means of which, the 
youngest or most infirm persons (successfully resisting the 
progress of the flames until it was quite ready) could be pre- 
served if they merely balanced themselves for a few minutes on 
the sill of their bedroom window, and got into the escape with- 
out falling into the street. The Professor stated that the 
number of boys who had been rescued in the daytime by this 
machine from houses which were not on fire was almost in- 
credible. Not a conflagration had occurred in the whole of 
London for many months past to which the escape had not 
been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a 
concourse of persons. 

“ The President inquired whether there was not some diffi- 
culty in ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and 
which the bottom, in cases of pressing emergency ? 

“ Professor Nogo explained that of cpurse it could not be 
expected to act quite as well when there was a fire as when 
there was not a fire ; but in the former case he thought it would 
be of equal service whether the top were up or down.” 


With the last section, our correspondent concludes his most 


6 1 4 THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 

able ancl faithful report, which will never cease to reflect credit 
upon him for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our 
enterprising spirit. It is needless to take a review of the sub- 
jects which have been discussed ; of the mode in which they 
have been examined ; of the great truths which they have 
elicited. They are now before the world, and we leave them 
to read, to consider, and to profit. 

The place of meeting for next year has undergone dis- 
cussion, and has at length been decided ; regard being had to, 
and evidence being taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the 
supply of its markets, the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the 
quality otits hotels. We hope at this next meeting our cor- 
respondent may again be present, and that we may be once 
more the means of placing his communications before the 
world. Until that period we have been prevailed upon to al- 
low this number of our Miscellany to be retailed to the public, 
or wholesaled to the trade, without any advance upon our usual 
price. 

We have only to add, that the committees are now broken 
up, and that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed 
tranquillity, — that Professors and Members have had balls, and 
soirees, and suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and 
have at length dispersed to their several homes,- — whither all 
good wishes and joys attend them, until next year! 


FULL REPORT 

OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR 
THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING. 

In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of re- 
cording, at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions 
unparalleled in the history of periodical publications, the pro- 
ceedings of the Mudfog Association for the Advancement of 
Everything, which in that month held its first great half-yearly 
meeting, to the wonder and delight of the whole empire. We 
announced, at the conclusion of that extraordinary and most 
remarkable Report, that when the Second Meeting of the 
Society should take place, we should be found again at our 
post renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavors, and once 
more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity, 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 615 

immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our 
account of its proceedings. In redemption of this pledge, we 
caused to be despatched, per steam, to Oldcastle, at which 
place this second meeting of the Society was held on the 20th 
instant, the same superhumanly endowed gentleman who 
furnished the former report, and who — gifted by nature with 
transcendent abilities, and furnished by us with a body of as- 
sistants scarcely inferior to himself — has forwarded a series of 
letters, which for faithfulness of description, power of language, 
fervor of thought, happiness of expression, and importance of 
subject-matter, have no equal in the epistolary literature of any 
age or country. We give this. gentleman’s correspondence en- 
tire, and in the order in which it reached our office. 

“ Saloon of Steamer, Thursday night, half-past eight. 

“ When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the 
hackney cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and 
eighty-five, I experienced sensations as novel as they were op- 
pressive. A sense of importance of the task I had undertaken ; 
a consciousness that I was leaving London, and stranger still, 
going somewhere else ; a feeling of loneliness, and a sensation 
of jolting quite bewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered 
me even insensible to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat- 
box. I shall ever feel grateful to the driver of a Blackwall 
omnibus, who, by thrusting the pole of his vehicle through the 
small door of the cabriolet, awakened me from a tumult of 
imaginings that are wholly indescribable. But of such materials 
is our imperfect nature composed ! 

“ I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, 
and shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that 
happens in the order of its occurrence. The chimney is 
smoking a good deal, and so are the crew ; and the captain, I 
am informed, is very drunk in a little house upon the deck, 
something like a black turnpike. I should infer, from all I 
hear, that he has got the steam up. 

“ You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made 
the discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those en- 
gaged by Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor 
Grime. Professor Woodensconce has taken the shelf above 
me, and Mr. Slug and Professor Grime, the two shelves oppo- 
site. Their luggage has already arrived. On Mr. Slug’s bed 
is a long tin tube of about three inches in diameter, carefully 
closed at both ends. What can this contain ? Some powerful 
instrument of a new construction doubtless.” 


6i6 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION, \ 


“ Ten minutes past nine. 

“ Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in 
my way except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I 
conclude that a good plain dinner has been provided for to- 
morrow. There is a singular smell below, which gave me some 
uneasiness at first ; but, as the steward says it is always there, 
and never goes away, I am quite comfortable again. I learn 
from this man that the different sections will be distributed at 
the Black Boy and Stomach-Ache, and the Boot-Jack and Coun- 
tenance. If this intelligence be true, and I have no reason to 
doubt it, your readers will draw such conclusions as their differ- 
ent opinions may suggest. 

“ I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as 'the 
facts come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions 
may lose nothing of their original vividness. I shall despatch 
them in small packets as opportunities arise.” 


“ Half-past nine. 

“ Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf. I 
think it is a travelling carriage.” 

“ A quarter to ten. 

“ No, it isn’t.” 

“ Half-past ten. 

“ The passengers are pouring in every instant. Four 
omnibuses full have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is 
bustle and activity. The noise and confusion are very great. 
Cloths are laid in the cabins, and the steward is placing blue 
plates full of knobs of cheese at equal distances down the 
centre of the tables. He drops a great many knobs ; but, 
being used to it, picks them up again with great dexterity, and, 
after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them back into the 
plates. He is a young man of exceedingly prepossessing ap- 
pearance, — either dirty or a mulatto, but I think the former. 

“ An interesting old gentleman who came to the wharf in 
an omnibus has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and 
is staggering towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms. 
I trust and hope that he may reach it in* safety ; but the board 
he has to cross is narrow and slippery. Was that a splash ? 
Gracious powers ! 

“ I have just returned from the deck. The trunk is stand- 
ing upon the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentle- 
man is nowhere to be seen. The watchman is not sure whether 
he went down or not, but promises to drag for him the first 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 617 

thing to-morrow morning. May his humane efforts prove suc- 
cessful ? 

“ Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap 
on under his hat. He has ordered a glass of cold brandy-and- 
water, with a hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to 
bed. What can this mean ? 

“The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have 
already alluded have come on board, and have all tried their 
beds, with the exception of Professor Woodensconce, who 
sleeps in one of the top ones, and can’t get into it. Mr. Slug, 
who sleeps in the other top one, is unable to get out of his, 
and is to have his supper handed up by a boy. I have had the 
honor to introduce myself to these gentlemen, and we have 
amicably arranged the order in which we shall retire to rest ; 
which it is necessary to agree upon, because, although the 
cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more than one 
gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must take 
his boots off in the passage. 

“ As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for 
the passengers’ supper, and are now in course of consumption. 
Your readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Wooden- 
sconce has abstained from cheese for eight years, although he 
takes butter in considerable quantities. Professor Grime, 
having lost several teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts 
without previously soaking them in his bottled porter. How 
interesting are these peculiarities ! ” 

“ Half-past eleven. 

“ Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of 
good humor that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for 
a bottle of mulled port. There has been some discussion 
whether the payment should be decided by the first toss or the 
best out of three. Eventually the latter course has been deter- 
mined on. Deeply do I wish that both gentlemen could win ; 
but that being impossible, I own that my personal aspirations 
(I speak as an individual, and do not compromise either you 
or your readers by this expression of feeling) are with Professor 
Woodensconce. I have backed that gentleman to the amount 
of eighteen pence.” 

“ Twenty minutes to twelve. 

“ Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his halficrown 
out of one of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged the 
steward shall toss for him. Bets are offered on any side to 
any amount, but there are no takers. 


6i8 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A TION. 


“ Professor Woodensconce has just called 4 woman ; ’ but 
the coin having lodged in a beam is a long time coming down 
again. The interest and suspense of this one moment are 
beyond anything that can be imagined.” 

p “ Twelve o’clock. 

“ The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and 
‘Professor Grime has won. Tossing is a game of chance ; but 
on every ground, whether of public or private character, intel- 
lectual endowments, or scientific attainments, I cannot help 
expressing my opinion that Professor Woodensconce ought to 
have come off victorious. There is an exultation about Pro- 
fessor Grime incompatible, I fear, with greatness.” 

“ A quarter past twelve. 

“ Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his 
victory is no very measured terms, observing that he always 
does win, and that he knew it would be a ‘ head ’ beforehand, 
with many other remarks of a similar nature. Surely this gen- 
tleman is not so lost to every feeling of decency and propriety 
as not to feel and know the superiority of Professor Wooden- 
sconce. Is Professor Grime insane ? or does he wish to be 
reminded in plain language of his true position in society, and 
the precise level of his acquirements and abilities ? Professor 
Grime will do well to look to this.” 

“ One o’clock. 

“ I am writing in bed. The small cabin is illuminated by 
the feeble light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; 
Professor Grime is lying on the opposite shelf, on the broad of 
his back, with his mouth wide open. The scene is indescrib- 
ably solemn. The ripple of the tide, the noise of the sailors’ 
feet overhead, the gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the 
shore, the snoring of the passengers, and a constant creaking 
of every plank in the vessel, are the only sounds that meet the 
ear. With these exceptions, all is profound silence. 

u My curiosity has been within the last moment very much 
excited. Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cau- 
tiously withdrawn the curtains of his berth, and after looking 
anxiously out, as if to satisfy himself that his companions are 
asleep, has taken up the tin tube of which I have before spoken, 
and is regarding it with great interest. What rare mechanical 
combinations can be obtained in that mysterious case ? It is 
evidently a profound* secret to all.” 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 


619 

“A quarter past one. 

“ The behavior of Mr. Slug grows more and more mys- 
terious. He has unscrewed the top of the tube, and now 
renews his observation upon his companions ; evidently to 
make sure that he is wholly unobserved. He is clearly on the 
eve of some great experiment. Pray Heaven that it be not a 
flangerous one ; but the interests of science must be promoted, 
and I am prepared for the worst.” 

“ Five minutes later. 

“He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll 
of some substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from 
the tin case. The experiment is about to begin. I must strain 
my eyes to the utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest 
operation.” 

“ Twenty minutes before two. 

“ I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin 
tube contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster recom- 
mended, — as I discover on regarding the label attentively 
through my eye-glass, — as a preservative against sea-sickness. 
Mr. Slug has cut it up into small portions, and is now sticking 
it over himself in every direction.” 

“Three o’clock. 

“ Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, 
and the machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so 
appalling, that Professor Woodensconce, who had ascended to 
his berth by means of a platform of carpet-bags arranged by 
himself on geometrical principles, darted from his shelf head- 
foremost, and gaining his feet with all the rapidity of extreme 
terror, ran wildly into the ladies’ cabin, under the impression 
that we were sinking, and uttering loud cries for aid. I am 
assured that the scene which ensued baffles all description. 
There were one hundred and forty seven ladies in their re- 
spective berths at the time. 

“ Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the 
extreme ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes 
of navigation, that, in whatever part of the vessel a passenger’s 
berth may be situated, the machinery always appears to be 
exactly under his pillow. He intends stating this very beau- 
tiful, though simple discovery to the association.” 

“ Half-past three. 

“ We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth 


620 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 


water as a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Wooder> 
sconce, who has just woke up, learnedly remarks, another great 
point of ingenuity about a steamer is that it always carries a 
little storm with it. You can scarcely conceive how exciting 
the jerking pulsation of the ship becomes. It is a matter of 
positive difficulty to get to sleep.” 

“ Friday afternoon, six o’clock. 

“ I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug’s plaster has proved 
of no avail. He is in great agony, but has applied several large 
additional pieces, notwithstanding. How affecting is this ex- 
treme devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the 
most trying circumstances ! 

“ We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast 
was one of the most animated description. Nothing unpleasant 
occurred until noon, with the exception of Dr. Foxey’s brown 
silk umbrella and white hat becoming entangled in the machin- 
ery while he was explaining to a knot of ladies the construction 
of the steam-engine. I fear the gravy-soup for lunch was inju- 
dicious. We lost a great many passengers almost immediately 
afterwards.” 


“ Half- past six. 

“ I am again in bed. Anything so heart-rending as Mr. 
Slug’s sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness.” 

“ Seven o’clock. 

“ A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-hand* 
kerchief from Professor Woodensconce’s bag, that unfortunate 
gentleman being quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring 
constantly to be thrown overboard. From this man I under- 
stand that Professor Nogo, though in a state of utter exhaus- 
tion, clings feebly to the hard biscuit and cold brandy-and- 
water, under the impression that they will yet restore him. 
Such is the triumph of mind over matter. 

“ Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well : 
but he will eat, and it is disagreeable to see him. Flas this gentle- 
man no sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures ? 
If he has, on what principle can he call for mUtton-chops, — 
and smile ? ” 


“Black Boy and Stomach-Ache, Oldcastle, Saturday noon. 

“ You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived 
here in safety. The town is excessively crowded, and all the 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIA TIOAT. 


621 


private lodgings and hotels are filled with savans of both sexes. 
The tremendous assemblages of intellect that one encounters 
in every street is in the last degree overwhelming, 

“ Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been 
fortunate enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation 
on very reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first- 
floor passage at one guinea per night, which includes permis- 
sion to take my meals in the bar, on condition that I walk about 
the streets at all other times, to make room for other gentlemen 
similarly situated. I have been over the outhouses intended 
to be devoted to the reception of the various sections, both 
here and at the Boot-Jack and Countenance, and am much 
delighted with the arrangements. Nothing can exceed the fresh 
appearance of the sawdust with which the floors are sprinkled. 
The forms are unplained deal, and the general effect, as you 
can well imagine, is extremely beautiful .’ 7 

“ Half-past nine. 

“ The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewik 
dering. Within the last ten minutes a stage coast has driven up 
to the door, filled, inside and out, with distinguished characters, 
comprising Mr. Muddlebrains, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, 
Mr. X. Misty, Mr/X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rum- 
mun, The Honorable and Reverend Mr. Long Ears, Professor 
John Ketch, Sir William Joltered, Dr. Buffer, Mr. Smith, of 
London, Mr. Brown of Edenburg, Sir Hookham Snivey, and 
Professor Pumpkinskull. The last ten named gentlemen were 
wet through, and looked extremely intelligent.” 

“ Sunday, two o’clock, p. m. 

“The Honorable and Reverend Mr. Long Ears, accompanied 
by Sir William Joltered, walked and drove this morning. They 
accomplished the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired 
fly. This has naturally given rise to much discussion. 

“ I have just learned that an interview has taken place at the 
Boot-Jack and Countenance between Sows ter,* the active and 
intelligent beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, 
who, as your readers are doubtless aware, is an influential 
member of the council. I forbear to communicate any of the 
rumors to which this very extraordinary proceeding has given 
rise until I have seen Sowster, and endeavor to ascertain the 
truth from him.” 

“ Half-past six. 

“ I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, 


622 


THE MUD FOG ASSOC/A TION. 


and proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster’ s resi- 
dence, passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red 
brick buildings on either side, and stopping in the market- 
place to observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley’s hat was blown off 
yesterday. It is an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly 
no appearance which would lead one to suppose that any such 
event had recently occurred there. From this point I proceeded 
— passing the gas-works and tallow-melter’s — to a lane which 
had been pointed out to me as the beadle’s place of residence ; 
and before I had driven a dozen yards farther, I had the good 
fortune to meet Sowster himself advancing towards me. 

“ Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development 
of that peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly 
termed a double chin than I remember to have ever seen before. 
He has also a very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of 
early rising, — so red, indeed, that but for this explanation I 
should have supposed it to proceed from occasional inebriety. 
He informed me that he did not feel himself at liberty to relate 
what had passed between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, 
but had no objection to state that it was connected with a 
matter of police regulation, and added with a peculiar signifi- 
cance, ‘ Never wos sitch times ! ’ 

“ You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me con- 
siderable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I 
lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating 
the object of my visit. After a few moments’ reflection, the 
Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmost 
politeness, openly avowed (I marked the passage in italics) that 
he had requested Sowster to attend on the Monday morning at the 
Boot- yack a?id Coufitenance , to keep off tlie boys ; and that he had 
further desired that the under-beadle might be stationed , with the 
same object , at the Black Boy a?id Stomach-Ache ! 

“ Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your com- 
ments and the consideration of your readers. I have yet to 
learn that a beadle, without the precincts of a church, church- 
yard, or workhouse, and acting otherwise than under the express 
orders of churchwardens and overseers in council assembled, 
to enforce the law against people who come upon the parish, 
and other offenders, has any lawful authority whatever over the 
rising youth of this country. I have yet to learn that a beadle 
can be called out by any civilian to exercise a domination and 
despotism over the boys of Britain. I have yet to learn that a 
beadle will be permitted by the commissioners of poor-law regu- 
lation, to wear out the soles and heels of his boots in illegal 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCJA TION. 


623 

interference with the liberties of people not proved poor, or 
otherwise criminal. I have yet to learn that a beadle has power 
to stop up the Queen’s highway at his will and pleasure, or 
that the whole width of the street is not free and open to any 
man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very y/alls of the 
houses, — ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-Aches, or Boot- 
Jacks and Countenances, I care not.” 

“ Nine o’clock. 

“ I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of 
the tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous 
celebrity, you will no doubt wish to have engraved, for the pur- 
pose of presenting a copy with every copy of your next number. 
The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be 
strictly anonymous. 

“ The likeness is of course from the life, and complete in 
every respect. Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man’s 
real character, and it had been placed before me without 
remark, I should have shuddered involuntarily. There is an 
intense malignity of expression in the features, and a baleful 
ferocity of purpose in the ruffian’s eye, which appalls and 
sickens. His whole air is rampant with cruelty, nor is the 
stomach less characteristic of his demoniac propensities. 

“ Monday. 

“ The great day has at length arrived. I have neither eyes, 
nor ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the 
wonderful proceedings that have astounded my senses. Let 
me collect my energies and proceed to the account. 

(( SECT i ON A . — ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY. 

“ FRONT PARLOR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

PRESIDENT — SIR WILLIAM JOLTERED. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MR. 

MUDDLEBRAINS AND MR. DRAWLEY. 

“ Mr. X. X. Misty communicated some remarks on the dis- 
appearance of dancing bears from the streets of London, with 
observations on the exhibition of monkeys as connected with 
barrel-organs. The writer had observed with feelings of the 
utmost pain and regret, that some years ago a sudden and 
unaccountable change in the public taste took place with refer- 
ence to itinerant bears, who, being discountenanced by the 
populace, gradually fell off one by one from the streets of the 
metropolis, until not one remained to create a taste for iiatural 
history in the breasts of the poor and uninstructed. One bear, 
indeed, — a brown and ragged animal, — had lingered about the 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


624 

haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and dejected visage 
and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his quarter-staff for 
the amusement of the multitude ; but hunger and an utter want 
of any due recompense for his abilities, had at length driven 
him from the field, and it was only too probable that he had 
fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease. He regretted 
to add that a similar and no less lamentable change had taken 
place with reference to monkeys. Those delightful animals 
had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops 
of which they were accustomed to sit ; the proportion in the 
year 1829, it appeared by the parliamentary return, being as 
one monkey to three organs. Owing however to an altered 
taste in musical instruments and the substitution in a great 
measure of narrow boxes of music for organs, which left the 
monkeys nothing to sit upon, this source of public amusement 
was wholly dried up. Considering it a matter of the deepest 
importance in connection with national education, that the 
people should not lose such opportunities of making themselves 
acquainted with the manners and customs of two most interest- 
ing species of animals, the author submitted that some meas- 
ures should be immediately taken for the restoration of those 
pleasing- and truly intellectual amusements. 

“ The President inquired by what means the honorable mem- 
ber proposed to attain this most desirable end ? 

“ The Author submitted that it could be most fully and satis- 
factorily accomplished, if her Majesty’s government would 
cause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the 
public expense, and for the public amusement, such a number 
of bears as would enable every quarter of the town to be 
visited,- — say at least by three bears a week. No’ difficulty what- 
ever need be experienced in providing a fitting place for the 
reception of those animals, as a commodious bear-garden could 
be erected in the immediate neighborhood of both houses of 
Parliament ; obviously the most proper and eligible spot for 
such an establishment. 

“ Professor Mull doubted very much whether any correct 
ideas of natural history were propagated by the means to which 
the honorable member had so ably adverted. On the contrary, 
he believed that they had been the means of diffusing very 
incorrect and imperfect notions on the subject. He spoke 
from personal observations and personal experience, when he 
said that many children of great abilities had been induced to 
believe, from what they had observed in the streets, at and be- 
fore the period to which the honorable gentleman had referred, 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION. 


625 

that all monkeys were born in red coals and spangles, and 
that their hats and features also came by nature. He wished 
to know distinctly whether the honorable gentleman attributed 
the want of encouragement the bears had met with to the 
decline of public taste in that respect, or to a want of ability on 
the part of the bears themselves ? 

“ Mr. X. X. Misty replied that he could not bring himself 
to believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent 
among the bears and monkeys generally ; which, in the absence 
of any proper encouragement, was dispersed in other direc- 
tions. 

“ Professor Pumpkinskull wished to take that opportunity 
of calling the attention of the section to a most important and 
serious point:. The author of the treatise just read had alluded 
to the prevalent taste for bears’ grease as a means of promo- 
ting the growth of hair, which undoubtedly was diffused to a 
very great and, as it appeared to him, very alarming extent. 
No gentleman attending that section could fail to be aware of 
the fact that the youth of the present age evinced, by their 
behavior in the streets and all places of public resort, a con- 
siderable lack of that gallantry and gentlemanly feeling which, 
in more ignorant times, had been thought becoming. Pie 
wished to know whether it were possible that a constant out- 
ward application of bears’ grease by the young gentlemen about 
town, had imperceptibly infused into those unhappy persons 
something of the nature and quality of the bear ? He shud- 
dered as he threw out the remark ; but if this theory, on inquiry, 
should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain a 
great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behavior, which, with- 
out some such discovery, was wholly unaccountable. 

“ The President highly complimented the learned gentleman 
on his most valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest 
effect upon the assembly ; and remarked that only a week pre- 
vious he had seen some young gentleman at a theatre eying a box 
of ladies with a fierce intensity, which nothing but the influence 
of some brutish appetite could possibly explain. It was dread- 
ful to reflect that our youth were so rapidly verging into a gen- 
eration of bears. 

“ After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that 
this important question should be immediately submitted to the 
consideration of the council. 

“ The President wished to know whether any gentleman 
could inform the section what had become of the dancing- 
dogs ? 


626 


THE MUD FOG ASSOC/AT/OH. 


“ A member replied, after some hesitation, that on the day 
after three glee-singers had been committed to prison as crim- 
inals by a late most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, 
the dogs had abandoned their professional duties, and dispersed 
themselves in different quarters of the town to gain a livelihood 
by less dangerous rheans. He was given to understand that 
since that period they had supported themselves by lying in 
wait for and robbing blind men’s poodles. 

“ Mr. Flummery exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable 
branch of that noble tree known to naturalists as the Shake- 
speare, which has taken root in every land and climate, and 
gathered under the shade of its broad green boughs the great 
family of mankind. The learned gentleman remarked that the 
twig had been undoubtedly called by other names in its time ; 
but that it had been pointed out to him by an old lady in War- 
wickshire, where the great tree had grown, as a shoot of the 
genuine Shakespeare, by which name he begged to introduce it 
to his countrymen. 

“ The President wished to know what botanical definition 
the honorable gentleman could afford of the curiosity ? 

“ Mr. Flummery expressed his opinion that it was a decided 
plant. 

“SECTION B. — DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE. 

“ LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE. 

“ PRESIDENT— MR. MALLET. VICE-PRESIDENTS— MESSRS. LEAVER AND SCROO. 

“ Mr. Crinkles exhibited a most beautiful and delicate 
machine, of a little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, man- 
ufactured entirely by himself, and composed exclusively of 
steel ; by the aid of which more pockets were picked in one 
hour than by the present slow and tedious process in four-and- 
twenty. The inventor remarked that it had been put into 
active operation in Fleet Street, the Strand, and other.thorough- 
fares, and had never been once known to fail. 

“ After some slight delay, occasioned by the various mem- 
bers of the section buttoning their pockets. 

“ The President narrowly inspected the invention, and de- 
clared that he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or 
exquisite construction. Would the inventor be good enough to 
inform the section whether he had taken any and what means 
for bringing it into general operation ? 

“ Mr. Crinkles stated that after encountering some prelim- 
inary difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in com- 
munication with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen com 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 


627 


nectecl with the swell mob, who had awarded the invention 
the very highest and most unqualified approbation. He re- 
gretted to say, however, that those distinguished practitioners, 
in common with a gentleman of the name of Gimlet-eyed 
Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the pro- 
fession whom he has understood to represent, entertained an 
insuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on 
the ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost 
entirely superseding manual labor, and throwing a great num- 
ber of highly deserving persons out of employment. 

“ The President hoped that no such fanciful objections 
would be allowed to stand in the way of such a great public 
improvement. 

“ Mr. Crinkles hoped so too ; but he feared that if the 
gentlemen of the swell mob persevered in their objection, noth- 
ing could be done. 

“ Professor Grimes suggested that surely in that case her 
Majesty’s government might be prevailed upon to take it up. 

“ Mr. Crinkles said that if the objection were found to be 
insuperable, he* should apply to Parliament, who he thought 
could not fail to recognize the utility of the invention. 

“ The President observed that up to his time Parliament 
had certainly got on very well without it ; but as they did their 
business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would 
gladly adopt the improvement. His only fear was that the 
machine might be worn out by constant working. 

“ Mr. Coppernose called the attention of the section to a 
proposition of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a 
vast number of models, and stated with much clearness and 
perspicuity in a treatise entitled 4 Practical Suggestions on the 
necessity of providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation 
for the young noblemen of England.’ His proposition was that 
a space of ground of not less than ten miles in length and four in 
breadth should be purchased by a new company, to be incor- 
porated by act of Parliament, and enclosed by a brick wall of 
not less than twelve feet in height. He proposed that it should 
be laid out with highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature 
villages, and every object that could conduce to the comfort 
and glory of Four-in-hand Clubs, so that they might be fairly 
presumed to require no drive beyond it. This delightful re- 
treat would be fitted- up with most commodious and extensive 
stables foir the convenience of such of the nobility and gentry 
as had a taste for ostlering, and with houses of entertainment 
furnished in the most expensive and handsome style. It would 
27 


628 


THE MUDFOG ASSOC/A T/ON. 


be further provided with whole streets of door-knockers and 
bell-handles of extra size, so constructed that they could be 
easily wrenched off at night, and regularly screwed on again 
by attendants provided for the purpose, every day. There 
would also be gas-lamps of real glass, which could be broken 
at a comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and 
handsome foot-pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets 
upon when they were humorously disposed, — for the full en- 
joyment of which feat, live pedestrians would be procured from 
the workhouse at a very small charge per head. The place 
being enclosed and carefully screened from the intrusion of 
the public, there would be no objections to gentlemen laying 
aside any article of their costume that was considered to inter- 
fere with a pleasant frolic, or, indeed, to their walking about 
without any costume at all, if they liked that better. In short, 
every facility of enjoyment would be afforded that the most 
gentlemanly person could possibly djesire. But as even these 
advantages would be incomplete, unless there were some means 
provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display their 
prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some incon- 
venience might be experienced in the event of their being re- 
duced to the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor 
had turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new 
police-force, composed exclusively of automaton figures, which, 
with the assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Wind 
mill Street in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in making with 
such nicety, that a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made 
upon the principle of the models exhibited, would walk about 
until knocked down like any real man ; nay more, if set upon 
and beaten by six or eight noblemen or gentlemen, after it was 
down, the figure would utter divers groans mingled with em 
treaties for mercy ; thus rendering the illusion complete, and the 
enjoyment perfect. But the invention did not stop even here, 
for station-houses would be built, containing good beds for 
noblemen and gentlemen during the night, and in the morning 
they would repair to a commodious police-office where a panto- 
mimic investigation would take place before automaton magis- 
trates, — quite equal to life, — who would fine them so many 
counters, with which they would be previously provided for the 
purpose. This office would be furnished with an inclined plane 
for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman who might 
wish to bring in his horse as a witness, and the prisoners would 
be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to interrupt the complain- 
ants as much as they pleased, and to make any remarks that they 


THE MUDEOG ASSOC/A TIOA r . 629 

thought proper. The charge for those amusements would 
amount to very little more than they already cost, and the 
inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited 
and comforted by the proposed arrangement. 

“Professor Nogo wished to be informed what amount of 
automaton police-force it was proposed to raise in the first in- 
stance. 

“Mr. Coppernose replied that it was proposed to begin with 
seven divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G 
inclusive. It was proposed that not more than half the num- 
ber should be placed on active duty, and that the remainder 
should be kept on shelves in the police-office, ready to be 
called out at a moment’s notice. 

“ The President, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious 
gentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the 
automaton police would quite answer the purpose. He feared 
that noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excite- 
ment of thrashing living subjects. 

“ Mr. Coppernose submitted, that as the usual odds in such 
cases were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or 
cab-driver, it could make very little difference, in point of 
excitement, whether the policeman or cab-driver were a man or 
a block. The great advantage would be that a policeman’s 
limb might be knocked off, and yet he would be in a condition 
to do duty next day. He might even give his evidence next 
morning with his head in his hand, and give it equally well. 

“ Professor Muff. — Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of 
what materials it is intended that the magistrates’ heads shall 
be composed ? 

“ Mr. Coppernose. — The magistrates will have wooden heads 
of course, and they will be made of the toughest and thickest 
materials that can possibly be obtained. 

“ Professor Muff. — I am quite satisfied. This is a great 
invention. 

“ Professor Nogo. — I see but one objection to it. It ap- 
pears to me that the magistrates ought to talk. 

“ Mr. Coppernose no sooner heard this suggestion than he 
touched a small spring in each of the two models of magistrates 
which were placed upon the table ; one of the figures immedi- 
ately began to exclaim with great volubility, that he was sorry 
to see gentlemen in such a situation, and the other to express 
a fear that the policeman was intoxicated. 

“ The section as with one accord declared with a shout of 
applause, that the invention was complete ; and the President, 


530 THE MUDCuU ASSOCIA TION \ 

much excited, retired with Mr. Coppernose, to lay it before the 
council. On his return, — 

“ Mr. Tickle displayed his newly invented spectacles, which 
enabled the wearer to discern in very bright colors objects at a 
great distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those im- 
mediately before him. It was, he said, a most valuable and 
useful invention, based strictly upon the principle of the human 
eye. 

“ The President required s6me information upon this point. 
He had yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for 
the peculiarities of which the honorable gentleman had spoken. 

“ Mr. Tickle was rather astonished to hear this, when the 
President could not fail to be aware that a large number of 
most excellent persons and great statesmen could see with the 
naked eye most marvellous horrors on West India plantations, 
while they could discern nothing whatever in the interior of 
Manchester cotton-mills. He must know, too, with what quick- 
ness of perception most people could discover their neighbor’s 
faults, and how very blind they were to their own. If the 
President differed from the great majority of men in this re- 
spect, his eye was a defective one, and it was to assist his vision 
that these glasses were made. 

“ Mr. Blank exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, 
composed of copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk beards, and 
worked entirely by milk and water. 

“ Mr. Prosee, after examining the machine, declared it to 
be so ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to dis- 
cover how it went on at all. 

“ Mr. Blank. — Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it. 

“SECTION c. — ANATOMY AND MEDICINE. 

“ BAR-ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

“ PRESIDENT — DR. SOEMU’P. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MESSRS. PESSEI. AND MORTAIR. 

“ Dr. Grummidge stated to the section a most interesting 
case of monomania, and described the course of treatment he 
had pursued with perfect success. The patient was a married 
lady in the middle rank of life, who, having seen another lady 
at an evening party in a full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized 
with a desire to possess a similar equipment, although her hus- 
band’s finances were by no means equal to the necessary out- 
lay. Finding her wish ungratified, she fell sick, and the symp- 
toms soon became so alarming, that he, Dr. Grummidge, was 
called in. At this period the prominent tokens of the disorder 
were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform domestic duties, 


THE MUD FOG ASSOCIATION. 631 

great peevishness, and extreme languor, except when pearls 
were mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the eyes 
grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after various 
incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears and ex- 
claimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself 
dead. Finding that the patient’s appetite was affected in the 
presence of company, he began by ordering a total abstinence 
from all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak 
gruel ; he then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister 
under each ear, one upon the chest, and another on the back ; 
having done which, and administered five grains of calomel, he 
left the patient to her repose. The next day she was some- 
what low, but decidedly better : and all appearances of irrita- 
tion were removed. The next day she improved still further, 
and on the next again. On the fourth there was some appear- 
ance of a return of the old symptoms, which no sooner de- 
veloped themselves than he administered another dose of cal- 
omel, and left strict orders, that unless a decidedly favorable 
change occurred within two hours, the patient’s head should 
be immediately shaved to the very last curl. From that mo- 
ment she began to mend, and in less than four-and-twenty 
hours was perfectly restored ; she did not now betray the least 
emotion at the sight or mention of pearls or any other orna- 
ments. She was cheerful and good humored, and a most 
beneficial change had been effected in her whole temperament 
and condition. 

“ Mr. Pipkin, M. R. C. S., read a short but most interesting 
communication in which he sought to prove the complete be- 
lief of Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thom, recently shot 
at Canterbury in the Homoeopathic system. The section would 
bear in mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that 
infinitesimal doses of any medicine which would occasion the 
disease under which the patient labored, supposing him to be 
in a healthy state, would cure it. Now it was a remarkable 
circumstance, — proved in the evidence, — that the diseased 
Thom employed a woman to follow him about all day with a 
pail of water, assuring her that one drop, a purely homoeo- 
pathic remedy, the section would observe, placed upon his 
tongue after death, would restore him. What was the obvious 
inference ? That Thom, who was marching and countermarch- 
ing in osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed 
with a presentiment that he should be drowned ; in which case, 
had his instructions been complied with, he could not fail to 
have been brought to life again instantly by his own prescrip- 


632 THE MUD FOG ASSUC/A TZOAU 

tions. As it was, if this woman, or any other person, had ad 
ministered an infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder, inline* 
diately after he fell, he would have recovered forthwith. But 
unhappily, the woman concerned did not possess the power of 
reasoning by analogy, or carrying out a principle, and thus the 
unfortunate gentleman had been sacrificed to the ignorance of 
the peasantry. 

“ SECTION D. — STATISTICS. 

“ OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE. 

“ PRESIDENT — MR. SLUG. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MESSRS. NOAKES AND STYLES. 

“ Mr. Kwakley stated the result of some most ingenious 
statistical inquiries relative to the difference between the value 
of the qualification of several members of Parliament, as 
published to the world, and its real nature and amount. After 
reminding the section that every member of Parliament for a 
town or borough was supposed to possess a clear freehold 
estate of three hundred pounds per annum, the honorable gen- 
tleman excited great amusement and laughter by stating the 
exact amount of freehold property possessed by a column of 
legislators, in which he had included himself. It appeared from 
this table that the amount of such income possessed by each 
was o pounds, o shillings, and o pence, yielding an average of 
the same. (Great laughter.) It was pretty well known that 
there were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing 
new members with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of 
which they swore solemnly, of course, as a mere matter of form. 
He argued from these data that it was wholly unnecessary for 
members of Parliament to possess any property at all, especially 
as, when they had none, the public could get them so much 
cheaper. 

“ SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION E. — UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCH- 
^ WATERISTICS. 

“ PRESIDENT — MR. GRUB. VICE-PRESIDENTS — MESSRS. DULL AND DUMMY. 

“-A paper was read by the secretary, descriptive of a bay 
pony with one eye, which had been seen by the author standing 
in a butcher’s cart at the corner of Newgate Market. The 
communication described the author of the paper as having in 
the prosecution of a mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one 
Saturday morning last summer from Somers Town to Cheapside ; 
in the course of which expedition he had beheld the extraor- 
dinary appearance above described. The pony had one distinct 
eye, and it had been pointed out to him by his friend Captain 
Blunderbore of the Horse Marines, who assisted the author in 


THE MUDFOG ASSOCIA TIOiV. 633 

his search, that whenever he winked this eye he whisked his tail, 
possibly to drive the flies off, but that he always winked and 
whisked at the same time. The animal was lean, spavined, and 
tottering; and the author proposed to constitute it of the family 
of Fitfordogsmeataurious. It certainly did occur to him that 
there was no case on record of a pony with one clearly defined 
and distinct organ of vision, winking and whisking at the same 
moment. 

“ Mr. Q. J. Snuffletoffle had heard of a pony winking his 
eye, and likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they 
were two ponies or the same pony he could not undertake posi- 
tively to say. At all events he was acquainted with no authen- 
ticated instance of a simultaneous winking and whisking, and 
he really could not but doubt the existence of such a marvellous 
pony in opposition to all those natural laws by which ponies 
were governed. Referring however to the mere question of his 
one organ of vision, might he suggest the possibility of this pony 
having been literally half asleep at the time he was seen, and 
having closed only one eye ? 

“ The President observed that whether the pony was half 
asleep or fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the associa- 
tion was awake, and therefore that they had better get the 
business over and go to dinner. He had certainly never seen 
anything analogous to this pony ; but he was not prepared to 
doubt its existence, for he had seen many queerer ponies in his 
time, though he did not pretend to have seen any more remark- 
able donkeys than the other gentlemen around him. 

“ Professor John Ketch was then called upon to exhibit the 
skull of the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue 
bag, remarking, on being invited to make any observations that 
occurred to him, ‘ that he’d ’pound it as that ’ere ’spectable sec- 
tion had never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos.’ 

“A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic 
ensued ; and some difference of opinion arising respecting the 
real character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered 
a lecture upon the cranium before him, clearly showing that 
Mr. Greenacre possessed the organ of destructiveness to a 
most unusual extent, with a most remarkable development of 
the organ of carveativeness. Sir Hookham Snivey was pro- 
ceeding to combat this opinion, when Professor Ketch suddenly 
interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming, with great excite- 
ment of manner, ‘ Walker ! ’ 

“ The President begged 16 call the learned gentleman to 
order. 


6M 


THE MUD FOG ASSOC/A TJON. 


“ Professor Ketch. — 4 Order be biov/ed ! you’ve got the 
wrong ’un, I tell you. It ain’t no ’ed at all ; it ’s a coker-nut 
as my brother-in-law has been acarvin’ to hornament his new 
baked ’tatur-stall vots a-coming down here vile the ’sociation’s 
in the town. Hand over, vill you ? ” 

“With these words Professor Ketch hastily re-possessed 
himself of the cocoanut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake 
for which he had exhibited it. A most interesting conversation 
ensued ; but, as there appeared some doubt ultimately whether 
the skull was Mr. Greenacre’s, or a hospital patient’s, or a 
pauper’s, or a man’s, or a woman’s, or a monkey’s, no particu- 
lar result was attained. 

“ I cannot,” says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 
— “ I cannot close my account of these gigantic researches, and 
sublime and noble triumphs, without repeating a bon-mot of Pro- 
fessor Woodensconce’s, which shows how the greatest minds 
may occasionally unbend, when truth can be presented to lis- 
tening ears, clothed in an attractive and playful form. I was 
standing by, when, after a week of feasting and feeding, that 
learned gentleman, accompanied by the whole body of wonder- 
ful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a sumptuous dinner 
was prepared ; where the richest wines sparkled on the board, 
and fat bucks — propitiatory sacrifices to learning — sent forth 
their savory odors. 4 Ah ! ’ said Professor Woodensconce, rub- 
bing his hands, * this is what we meet for ; this is what inspires 
us ; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us onward : 
this is the spread of science, and a glorious spread it is ! ” 


HOLIDAY ROMANCE 


IN FOUR PARTS. 


PART I. * . 

INTRODUCTORY ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF WILLIAM 
TINKLING, ESQUIRE.* 

This beginning-part is not made out of anybody’s head, you 
know. It’s real. You must believe this beginning-part more 
than what comes after, else you won’t understand how what 
comes after came to be written. You must believe it all ; but 
you must believe this most, please. I am the editor of it. Bob 
Redforth (he’s my cousin, and shaking the table on purpose) 
wanted to be the editor of it ; but I said he shouldn’t because 
he couldn’t. He has no idea of being an editor. 

Nettie Ashford is my bride. We were married in the right- 
hand closet in the corner of the dancing-school where first we 
met, with a ring (a green one) from Wilkingwater’s toy-shop. 
/ owed for it out of my pocket-money. When the rapturous 
ceremony was over, we all four went up the lane and let off a 
cannon (brought loaded in Bob Redforth’s waistcoat-pocket) to 
announce our nuptials. It Hew right up when it went off, and 
turned over. Next day, Lieutenant-Colonel Robin Redforth 
was united, with similar ceremonies, to Alice Rainbird. This 
time, the cannon burst with a most terrific explosion, and made 
a puppy bark. 

My peerless bride was, at the period of which we now treat, 
in captivity at Miss Grimmer’s. Drowvey and Grimmer is the 

* Aged eight. (635) . 


HO LI DA Y ROMANCE . 


636 

partnership, and opinion is divided which is the greatest beast. 
The lovely bride of ' the colonel was also immured in the dun- 
geons of the same establishment. A vow was entered into, 
between the colonel and myself, that we would cut them out on 
the following Wednesday when walking two and two. 

Under the desperate circumstances of the case, the active 
brain of the colonel, combining with his lawless pursuit (he is 
a pirate), suggested an attack with fire-works. This, however, 
from motives of humanity, was abandoned as too expensive. 

Lightly armed with a paper-knife buttoned up under his 
jacket, and waving the dreaded black flag at the end of a cane, 
the colonel took command of me at two p. m, on the eventful 
^and appointed day. He had drawn out the plan of attack on 
a piece of paper, which was rolled up round a hoop-stick. He 
showed it to me. * My position and my full-length portrait (but 
my real ears don’t stick out horizontal) was behind a corner 
lamp-post, with written orders to remain there till I should see 
Miss Drowvey fall. The Drowvey who was to fall was the one 
in Spectacles, not the one in the large lavender bonnet. At 
that signal, I was to rush forth, seize my bride, and fight my 
way to the lane. There a junction would be effected between 
myself and the colonel ; and putting our brides behind us, be- 
tween ourselves and the palings, we were to conquer or die. 

The enemy appeared, — approached. Waving his black flag, 
the colonel attacked. Confusion ensued. Anxiously I awaited 
my signal ; but my signal came not. So far from falling, the 
hated Drowvey in spectacles appeared to me to have muffled 
the colonel’s head in his outlawed banner, and to be pitching 
into him with a parasol. The one in the lavender bonnet also 
performed prodigies of valor with her fists on his back. Seeing 
that all was for the moment lost, I fought my desperate way, 
hand-to-hand, to the lane. Through taking the back road, I 
was so fortunate as to meet nobody, ancf arrived there uninter- 
rupted. 

It seemed an age ere the colonel joined me. He had been 
to the jobbing-tailor’s to be sewn up in several places, and at- 
tributed our defeat to the refusal of the detested Drowvey to 
fall. Finding her so obstinate, he had said to her “ Die rec- 
reant ! ” but had found her no more open to reason on that 
point than the other. 

My blooming bride appeared, accompanied by the colonel’s 
bride, at the dancing-school next day. What? Was her face 
averted from me ? Hah ! Even so. With a, look of scorn 
she put into my hand a bit of paper, and took another partner. 


HOLIDA Y 'ROMANCE. 637 

On the paper was pencilled, “ Heavens ! Can I write the word ? 
Is my husband a cow ? ” 

In the first bewilderment of my heated brain, I tried to think 
what slanderer could have traced my family to the ignoble ani- 
mal mentioned above. Vain were my endeavors. At the end 
of that dance I whispered the colonel to come into the cloak- 
room, and I showed him the note. 

“ There is a syllable wanting,” said he, with a gloomy brow. 

“ Hah ! What syllable ? ” was my inquiry. 

“ She asks, can she write the word ? And no you see she 
couldn’t,” said the colonel, pointing out the passage. 

“ And the word was ? ” said I. 

“ Cow — cow — coward,” hissed the pirate-colonel in my ear, 
and gave me back the note. 

Feeling that I must forev.er tread the earth a branded boy, — 
person, I mean, — or that I must clear up my honor, I demanded 
to be tried by a court-martial. The colonel admitted my right 
to be tried. Some difficulty was found in composing the court, 
on account of the Emperor of France’s aunt refusing to let him 
come out. He was to be the president. Er^-yet we had ap- 
pointed a substitute, he made his escape over the back wall, 
and stood among us, a free monarch. 

The court was held on the grass by the pond. I recognized, 
in a certain admiral among my judges, my deadliest foe. ‘ A 
cocoanut had given rise to language that I could not brook ; 
but confiding in my innocence, and also in the knowledge that 
the President of the United States (who sat next him) owed me 
a knife, I braced myself for the ordeal. 

It was a solemn spectacle, that court. Two executioners 
with pinafores reversed led me in. Under the shade of an 
umbrella I perceived my bride, supported by the bride of the 
pirate-colonel. The president, having reproved a little female 
ensign for tittering, on a matter of life or death, called upon 
me to plead, “ Coward or no coward, guilty or not guilty ? ” I 
pleaded in a firm tone, “ No coward and not guilty.” (The 
little female ensign being again reproved by the president for 
misconduct, mutinied, left the court, and threw stones.) 

My implacable enemy, the admiral, conducted the case 
against me. The colonel’s bride was called to prove that I had 
remained behind the corner lamp-post during the engagement. 
I might have been spared the anguish of my own bride’s being 
also made a witness to the same point, but the admiral knew 
where to wound me. Be still, my soul, no matter. The colonel 
was then brought forward with his evidence. 


638 


IIO LI DA V ROMANCE . 

It was for this point that I had saved myself up, as the 
turning-point of my case. Shaking myself free of my guards, 
— who had no business to hold me, the stupids, unless I was 
found guilty, — I asked the colonel what he considered the first 
duty of a soldier ? Ere he could reply, the President of the 
United States rose and informed the court, that my foe, the 
admiral, had suggested “ Bravery,” and that prompting a wit- 
ness wasn’t fair. The president of the court immediately or- 
dered the admiral’s mouth to be filled with leaves, and tied up 
with string. I had the satisfaction of seeing the sentence carried 
into effect before the proceedings went further. 

I then took a paper from my troiisers-pocket, and asked, 
“ What do you consider, Colonel Redford, the first duty of a 
soldier ? Is it obedience ? ” 

“ It is,” said the colonel. 

“ Is that paper — please to look *at it — in your hand ? ” 

“ It is,” said the colonel. 

“ Is it a military sketch ? ” 

“ It is,” said the colonel. 

“ Of an engagement ? ” 

“Quite so,” said the colonel. 

“ Of the late engagement ? ” 

“ Of the late engagement.” 

“ Please to describe it, and then hand it to the president of 
the court.” 

From that triumphant moment my sufferings and my dan- 
gers were at an end. The court rose up and jumped, on dis- 
covering that I had strictly obeyed orders. My foe, the ad- 
miral, who though muzzled was malignant yet, contrived to 
suggest that I was dishonored by having quitted the field. But 
the colonel himself had done as much, and gave his opinion, 
upon his word and honor as a pirate, that when all was lost 
the field might be quitted without disgrace. I was going to 
be found “ No coward and not guilty,” and my blooming bride 
was going to be publicly restored to my arms in a procession, 
when an unlooked-for event disturbed the general rejoicing. 
1 his was no other than the Emperor of France’s aunt catching 
hold of his hair. The proceedings abruptly terminated, and 
the court tumultuously dissolved. 

It was when the shades of the next evening but one were 
beginning to fall, ere yet the silver beams of Luna touched the 
earth, that four forms might have been descried slowly advanc- 
ing towards the weeping willow on the borders of the pond, 
the now deserted scene of the day-before-yesterday's agonies 

t ' *7% ' , ■ : 


HO LI DA Y ROMANCE. 639 

and triumphs. On a nearer approach, and by a practised eye, 
these might have been identified as the forms of the pirate- 
colonel with his bride, and of the day-before-yesterday’s gallant 
prisoner with his bride. 

On the beauteous faces of the Nymphs dejection sat en- 
throned. All four reclined under the wallow for some minutes 
without speaking, till at length the bride of the colonel pout- 
ingly observed, “ It’s of no use pretending any more, and we 
had better give it up.” 

“ Hah ! ” exclaimed the pirate. “ Pretending? ” 

“ Don’t go on like that ; you worry me,” returned his bride. 

The lovely bride of Tinkling echoed the incredible declara- 
tion. The two warriors exchanged stony glances. 

“ If,” said the bride of the pirate-colonel, “ grown up people 
won’t do what they ought to do, and will put us out, what 
comes of our pretending ? ” 

“ We only get into scrapes,” said the bride of Tinkling. 

“ You know very well,” pursued the colonel’s bride, “ that 
Miss Drowvey wouldn’t fall. You complained of it yourself. 
And you know how disgracefully the court-martial ended. As 
to our marriage ; would my people acknowledge it at home ? ” 

“ Or would my people acknowledge ours ? ” said the bride 
of Tinkling. 

Again the two warriors exchanged stony glances. 

“ If you knocked at the door and claimed me; after you 
were told to go away,” said the colonel’s bride, “ you would 
only have your hair pulled, or your ears, or your nose.” 

“ If you persisted in ringing at the bell and claiming me,” 
said the bride of Tinkling to that gentleman, “ you would have 
things dropped on your head from the window over the handle, 
or you would be played upon by the garden-engine.” 

“And at your own homes,” resumed the bride of the 
colonel, “it would be just as bad. You would be sent to bed, 
or something equally undignified. Again, how would you sup- 
port us ? ” 

The pirate-colonel replied in a courageous voice, “ By ra- 
pine ! ” But his bride retorted, “ Suppose tne grown-up people 
wouldn*t be rapined ? ” “ Then,” said the colonel, “ they 

should pay the penalty in blood.” “ But suppose they should 
object,” retorted his bride, “ and wouldn’t pay the penalty in 
blood or anything else ? ” 

A mournful silence ensued. 

“ Then do you no longer love me, Alice ? ” asked the 
colonel. 


640 


HO LI DA Y ROMANCE. 

“ Redforth ! I am ever thine,” returned his bride. 

“ Then do you no longer love me, Nettie ? ” asked the 
present writer. 

“ Tinkling ! I am ever thine,” returned my bride. 

We all four embraced. Let me not be misunderstood by 
the giddy. The colonel embraced his own bride, and I em- 
braced mine. But two times two make four. 

“Nettie and I,” said Alice mournfully, “have been consid- 
ering our position. The grown-up people are too strong for 
us. They make us ridiculous. Besieges, they have changed the 
times. William Tinkling’s baby brother was christened yester- 
day. What took place? Was any king present? Answer, 
William.” 

I said No, unless disguised as Great-uncle Chopper. 

“Any queen ? ” 

There had been no queen that I knew of at our house. 
•There might have been in the kitchen ; but I 'didn 2 t think so, 
or the servants would have mentioned it. 

“ Any fairies ? ” 

None that were visible. 

“ We had an idea among us, I think,” said Alice, with a 
melancholy smile, “ we four, that Miss Grimmer would prove 
to be the wicked fairy, and would come in at the christening 
with her crutch-stick, and give the child a bad gift. Was there 
anything of that sort ? Answer, William.” 

I said that ma had said afterwards (and so she had), that 
Great-uncle Chopper's gift was a shabby one ; but she hadn't 
said a bad one. She had called it shabby, electrotyped, second- 
hand, and below his income. 

“ It must be the grown-up people who have changed all 
this,” said Alice. “ We couldn’t have changed it, if we had 
been so inclined, and we never should have been. Or perhaps 
Miss Grimmer is a wicked fairy after all, and won’t act up to it 
because the grown-up people have persuaded her not to. Either 
way, they would make us ridiculous if we told them what we 
expected.” 

“ Tyrants ! ” mattered the pirate-colonel. 

“Nay, my Redforth,” said Alice, “say not so. Call not 
names, my Redforth, or they will apply to pa.” 

“ Let ’em ! ’ said the colonel. “ I don’t care. Who’s he ?” 

Tinkling here undertook the perilous task of remonstra- 
ting with his lawless friend, who consented to withdraw the 
moody expressions above quoted. 

*‘*What> remains for us to do ? ” Alice went on in her mild,. 


HOLIDAY ROMANCE, 64 1 

wise way. “ We must educate, we must pretend in a new man- 
ner, we must wait.” 

The colonel clenched his teeth, — four out in front, and a 
piece of another, and he had been twice dragged to the door 
of a dentist-despot, but had escaped from his guards. “ How 
educate ? How pretend in a new manner ? How wait ? ” . 

“ Educate the. grown-up people,” replied Alice. “ We part 
to-night. Yes, Redforth,” — for the colonel tucked up his 
cuffs, — “ part to-night ! Let us in these next holidays, now 
going to begin, throw our thoughts into something educational 
for the grown-up people, hinting to them how things ought to 
be. Let us veil our meaning under a mask of romance ; you, 
I, and Nettie. William Tinkling being the plainest and 
quickest writer, shall copy out. Is it agreed ? ” 

The colonel answered sulkily, “ I don’t mind.” He then 
asked, “ How about pretending ? ” 

“ We will pretend,” said Alice, “ that we are children ; not 
that we are those grown-up people who won’t help us out as 
they ought, and who understand us so badly.” 

The colonel, still much dissatisfied, growled, “ How about 
waiting ? ” 

“ We will wait,” answered little Alice, taking Nettie’s hand 
in hers, and looking up to the sky, “ We will wait — ever con- 
stant and true — till the times have got so changed as that 
everything helps us out, and nothing makes us ridiculous, and 
the fairies have come back. We will wait — ever constant and 
true — till we are eighty, ninety, or one hundred. And then the 
fairies will send us children, and we will help them # out, poor 
pretty little creatures, if they pretend ever so much.” 

“ So we will, dear,” said Nettie Ashford, taking her round 
the waist with both arms, and kissing her. “ And now if my 
husband will go and buy some cherries for us, I have got 
some money.” 

In the friendliest manner I invited the colonel to go with 
me ; but he so far forgot himself as to acknowledge the invi- 
tation by kicking out behind, and then lying down on his 
stomach on the grass, pulling it up and chewing it. When I 
came back, however, Alice had nearly brought him out of his 
vexation, and was soothing him by telling him how soon we 
should all be ninety. 

As we sat under the willow-tree, and ate the cherries (fair, 
for Alice shared them out), we played at being ninety. Nettie 
complained that she had a bone in her old back, and it made 
her hobble ; and Alice sang a song in an old woman’s way, 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE. 


642 

but it was very pretty, and we were all merry. At least, 1 
don't know about merry exactly, but all comfortable. 

There was a most tremendous lot of cherries ; and Alice 
always had with her some neat little bag or box or case, to 
hold things. In it that night was a tiny wine-glass. So Alice 
and Neltie said they would make some cherry-wine to drink 
our love at parting. 

Each of us had a glassful, and it was delicious ; and each 
of us drank the toast, “ Our love at parting." The colonel 
drank his wine last; and it got into my -head directly that it 
got into his directly. Anyhow, his eyes rolled immediately 
after he had turned the glass upside down ; and he took me on 
one side, and proposed in a hoarse whisper, that we should 
“ Cut 'em out still." 

w How did he mean ? " I asked my lawless friend. 

“ Cut our brides out," said the colonel, “ and then cut our 
way, without going down a single turning, bang to the Spanish 
main ! " 

We might have tried it, though I didn’t think it would 
answer ; only we looked round and saw that there was nothing 
but moonlight under the willow-tree, and that our pretty, pretty 
wives were gone. We burst out crying. The colonel gave in 
second, and came to first ; but he gave in strong. 

We were ashamed of our red eyes, and hung about for half 
an hour to ’whiten them. Likewise a piece of chalk round the 
rims, I doing the colonel’s, and he mine, but afterwards found 
in the bedroom looking-glass not natural, besides inflammation. 
Our conversation turned on being ninety. The colonel told 
me he had a pair of boots that wanted soling and heeling ; but 
he thought it hardly worth while to mention it to his father, as 
he himself should so soon be ninety, when he thought shoes 
would be more convenient. The colonel-also told me, with 
his hand upon his hip, that he felt himself already getting 
on in life, and turning rheumatic. And I told him the same. 
And when they said at our house at supper (they are always 
bothering about something) that I stooped, I felt so glad ! 

This is the end of the beginning-part that you were to be- 
lieve most. 


HOLIDA V ROMANCE . 


643 


PART II. 

ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF MISS ALICE RAINBIRD.* 

There was once a king, and he had a queen ; and he was 
the manliest of his sex, and she was the loveliest of hers. The 
king was, in his private profession, under government. The 
queen’s father had been a medical man out of town. 

They had nineteen children, and were always having more. 
Seventeen of these children took care of the baby ; and Alicia, 
the eldest, took care of them all. Their ages varied from 
seven years to seven months. 

Let us now resume our story. 

One day the king was going to the office, when he stopped 
at the fishmonger’s to buy a pound and a half of salmon, not 
too near the tail, which the queen (who was a careful house- 
keeper), had requested him to send home. Mr. Pickles r the 
fishmonger, said, “ Certainly, sir, is there any other article? 
Good-morning/” 

The king went on towards the office in a melancholy mood ; 
for quarter-day was such a long way off, and several of the 
dear children were growing out of their clothes. He had not 
proceeded far, when Mr. Pickles’s errand-boy came running 
after him, and said, “ Sir, you didn’t notice the old lady in our 
shop.” 

“What old lady?” inquired the king. “ I saw none.” 

Now, the king had not seen any old lady, because this old 
lady had been invisible to him, though visible to Mr. Pickles’s 
boy. Probably because he messed and splashed the water 
about to that degree, and flopped the pairs of soles down in 
that violent manner, that, if she had not been visible to him, 
he would have spoilt her (Jothes.. 

Just then the old lady came trotting up. 'She was dressed 
in shot silk of the richest quality, smelling of dried lavender. 

“ King Watkins the First, I believe ? ” said the old lady. 

“Watkins,” replied the king, “is my name.” 

“ Papa, if I am not mistaken, of the beautiful Princess 
Alicia ? ” said the old lady. 

“And of eighteen other darlings,” replied the king. 

* Aged seven, 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE . 


644 

“ Listen. You are going to the office,” said the old lady. 

It instantly flashed upon the king that she must be a fairy t 
or how could she know that ? 

“ You are right,” said the old lady, answering his thoughts. 
“ I am the good Fairy Grandmarina. Attend ! When you re- 
turn home to dinner, politely invite the Princess Alicia to have 
some of the salmon you bought just now.” 

“ It may disagree with her,” said the king. 

The old lady became so very angry at this absurd idea, 
that the king was quite alarmed, and humbly begged her par- 
don. 

“ We hear a great deal too much about this thing disagree- 
ing, and that thing disagreeing,” said the old lady, with the 
greatest contempt it was possible to express. “ Don’t be 
greedy. I think you want it all yourself.” 

The king hung his head under this reproof, and said he 
wouldn’t talk about things disagreeing any more. 

“ Be good, then,” said the Fairy Grandmarina, “ and don’t ! 
When the beautiful Princess Alicia consents to partake of the 
salmon, — as I think she will, — you will find she will leave a 
fish : bone on her plate. Tell her to dry it, and to rub it, and to 
polish it till it shines like mother-of-pearl, and to take care of 
it as a present from me.” 

“ Is that all ? ” asked the king. 

“ Don’t be impatient, sir,” returned the Fairy Grandmarina, 
scolding him severely. “ Don’t catch people short, before they 
have done speaking. Just the way with you grown-up persons, 
You are always doing it.” 

The king again hung his head, and said he wouldn’t do so 
any more. 

“ Be good, then,” said the Fairy Grandmarina, “ and don’t! 
Tell the Princess Alicia, with my love, that the fish-bone is a 
magic present which can only be used once ; but that it will 
bring her, that once, whatever she wishes for, provided she 
wished for it at the right time. That is the message. 
Take care of it.” 

The king was beginning, “ Might I ask the reason ? ” when 
the fairy became absolutely furious. 

“ Will you be good, sir ? ” she exclaimed, stamping her foot 
on the ground. “ The reason for this, and the reason for that, 
indeed ! You are always wanting the reason. No reason. 
There ! Hoity toity me ! I am sick of your grown-up rea- 
sons.” 

The king was extremely frightened by the old lady’s flying 


HOI IDA V ROMANCE. 645 

into such a passion, and said he was very sorry to have of- 
fended her, and he wouldn’t ask for reasons any more. 

“ Be good, then,” said the old lady, “and don’t ! ” 

With those words, Grandmarina vanished, and the king went 
on and on, and on, till he came to the office. There he wrote and 
wrote, and wrote, till it was time to go home again. Then he 
politely invited the Princess Alicia, as the fairy had directed 
him, to partake of the salmon. And when she had enjoyed it 
very much, he saw the fish-bone on her plate, as the fairy had 
told him he would, and he delivered the fairy’s message, and 
the Princess Alicia took care to dry the bone, and to rub it, 
and to polish it till it shone like mother-of-pearl. 

And so, when the queen was going to get up in the morning, 
she said, “ O, dear me, dear me ; my head, my head ! ” and 
then she fainted away. 

The Princess Alicia, who happened to be looking in at the 
chamber-door, asking about breakfast, was very much alarmed 
when she. saw her royal mamma in this state, and she rang the 
bell for Peggy, which was the name of the lord chamberlain. 
But remembering where the smelling-bottle was, she climbed on 
a chair and got it ; and after that'she climbed on another' chair 
by the* bedside, and held the smelling-bottle to the queen’s 
nose ; and after that she jumped down and got some water ;'and 
after that she jumped up again and wetted the queen’s fore- 
head ; and, in short, when the lord chamberlain came in, that 
dear old woman said to the little princess, “What a trot you 
are ! I .couldn’t have done it better myself !.” 

But that was not the worst of the good queen’s illness. O 
no ! She was very ill indeed, for a long time. The Princess 
Alicia kept the seventeen young princes and princesses quiet, 
and dressed and undressed and danced the baby, and made the 
kettle boil, and heated the soup, and swept the hearth, and 
poured out the medicine, and nursed the queen, and did all 
that ever she could, and was as busy, busy, busy as busy could be ; 
for there were not many servants at that palace for three 
reasons : because the king was short of money,- because a rise 
in his office never seemed to come, and because quarter : day was 
so far off that it looked almost as far off and as little as one of 
the stars. 

But on the morning when the queen fainted away, where 
was the magic fish-bone ? Why, there it was in the Princess 
Alicia’s pocket ! She had almost taken it out to bring the 
queen to life again, when she put it back, and looked for the 
smelling-bottle. 


6 4 6 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE. 


After the queen had come out of her swoon that morning 
and was dozing, the Princess Alicia hurried up stairs to tell a 
most particular secret, to a most particularly confidential friend 
cf hers, who was a duchess. People did suppose her to be a doll, 
but she was really a duchess, though nobody knew it except 
the princess. 

This most particular secret was the secret about the magic 
fish-bone, the history of which was well known to the duchess, 
because the princess told her everything. The princess kneeled 
down by the bed on which the duchess was lying, full-dressed 
and wide-awake, and whispered the secret to her. The duchess 
smiled and nodded. People might have supposed that she 
never smiled and nodded ; but she often did, though nobody 
knew it except the princess. 

Then the Princess Alicia hurried down stairs again, to keep 
watch in the queen’s room. She often kept watch by herself 
in the queen’s room ; but every evening, while the illness lasted, 
she sat there watching with the king. And' every evening the 
king sat looking at her with a cross look, wondering why she 
never brought out the magic fish-bone. As often as she noticed 
this, she ran up stairs, whispered the secret to the duchess over 
again, and said to the duchess besides, “ They think we 
children never have a reason or a meaning ! ” And the 
duchess, though the most fashionable duchess that ever was 
heard of, winked her eye. 

“Alicia,” said the king, one evening when she wished him 
good-night. 

“ Yes, papa.” 

“ What is become of the magic fish-bone ? ” 

“ In my pocket, papa ! ” 

“ I thought you had lost it ? ” 

“ O no, papa.” 

“ Or forgotten it ? ” 

“ No, indeed, papa.” 

And so another time the dreadful little snapping pug-dog, 
next door, made a rush at one of the young princes as he stood 
on the steps coming home from school, and terrified him out 
of his wits ; and he put his hand through a pane of glass, and 
bled, bled, bled. When the seventeen other young princes 
and princesses saw him bleed, bleed, bleed, they were terrified 
but of their wits too, and screamed themselves black in their 
seventeen faces all at once. But the Princess Alicia put her 
hands over all their seventeen mouths, one after another, and 
persuaded them to be quiet because of the sick queen. And 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE. 647 

then she put the wounded prince’s hand in a basin of fresh 
cold water, while they stared with their twice seventeen are 
thirty-four, put dowi\ four and carry three, eyes, and then 
she looked in the hand for bits of glass, and there were 
fortunately no bits of glass there. And then she said to 
two chubby-legged princes, who were sturdy though small, 
“ Bring me in the royal rag-bag : I must snip and stitch and 
cut*and contrive.” So these two young princes tugged at the 
royal rag-bag, and lugged it in ; and the Princess Alicia sat 
down on the floor, with a large pair of scissors and a needle 
and thread, and snipped and stitched and cut and contrived, 
and made a bandage, and put it on, and it fitted beautifully ; 
and so when it was all done, she saw the king her papa look- 
ing on by the door. 

“ Alicia.” 

“ Yes, papa.” 

“ What have you been doing ? ” 

“ Snipping, stitching, cutting, and contriving, papa.” 

“ Where is the magic fish-bone ? ” 

“In my pocket, papa.” 

“ I thought you had lost it ? ” 

“ O no, papa ! ” 

“ Or forgotten it ? ” 

“ No, indeed, papa.” 

After that, she ran up stairs to the duchess, and told her 
what had passed, and told her the secret over again ; and the 
duchess shook her flaxen curls, and laughed with her rosy lips. 

Well ! and so another time the baby fell under the grate. 
The seventeen young princes and princesses were used to it • 
for they were almost always falling under the grate or down 
the stairs ; but the baby was not used to it yet, and it gave him 
a swelled face and a black eye. The way the poor little dar- 
ling came to tumble was, that he was out of the Princess Alicia’s 
lap just as she was sitting, in a great coarse apron that quite 
smothered her, in front of the kitchen fire, beginning to peel 
the turnips for the broth for dinner ; and the way she came to 
be doing that was, that the king’s cook had run away that 
morning with her own true love, who was a very tall but very 
tipsy soldier. Then the seventeen young, princes and prin- 
cesses, who cried at everything that happened, cried and 
roared. But the Princess Alicia (who couldn’t help crying a 
little herself) quietly called to them to be still, on account ol 
not throwing back the queen up stairs, who was fast getting 
well, and said, “ Hold your tongues, you wicked little monkeys. 


6 4 8 hOLJDAY ROMANCE. 

every one of you, while I examine baby ! ” Then she examined 
baby, and found that he hadn’t broken anything; and she 
held cold iron to his poor dear eye, aijd smoothed his poor 
dear face, and he presently fell asleep in her arms. Then she 
said to the seventeen princes and princesses, “ 1 am afraid to 
let him down yet, lest he should wake and feel pain ; be good, 
and you shall all be cooks.” They jumped for joy when they 
heard that, and began making themselves cooks’ caps out of 
old newspapers. So to one she gave the salt-box, and to one 
she gave the barley, and to one she gave the herbs, and 
to one she gave the turnips, and to one she gave the carrots, 
and to one she gave the onions, and to one she gave the 
spice-box, till they were all cooks, and all running about 
at work, she sitting in the middle, smothered in the great 
coarse apron, nursing baby. By and by the broth was 
done ; and the baby woke up, smiling like an angel, and 
was trusted to the sedatest princess to hold, while the other 
princes and princesses were squeezed into a far-off ‘corner to 
look at the Princess Alicia turning out the saucepanful of 
broth, for fear (as they were always getting into trouble) they 
should get splashed and scalded. When the broth came tum- 
bling out, steaming beautifully, and smelling like a nosegay 
good to eat, they clapped their hands. That made the baby 
clap his hands ; and that, and his looking as if he had a comic 
toothache, made all the princes and princesses laugh. So the 
Princess Alicia said, “ Laugh and be good ; and after dinner 
we will make him a nest on the floor in a corner, and he shall 
sit in his nest and see a dance of eighteen cooks.” That 
delighted the young princes and princesses, "and they ate up 
all the broth, and washed up all the plates and dishes, and 
cleared away, and pushed the table into a corner ; and then 
they in their cooks’ caps, and the Princess Alicia in the smoth- 
ering coarse apron that belonged to the cook that had run 
away with her own true love that was the very tall but very 
tipsy soldier, danced a dance of eighteen cooks before the 
angelic baby, who forgot his swelled face and his black eye, 
and crowed with joy. 

And so then, once more the Princess Alicia saw King Wat- 
kins the First, her father, standing in the doorway looking on, 
and he said, “ What have you been doing Alicia ? ” 

“ Cooking and contriving, papa.” 

“ What else have you been doing, Alicia ? ” 

“ Keeping the children light-hearted, papa.” 

“Where is the magic fish-bone, Alicia? ” 


649 


HO.UDA V ROMANCE 

“ In my pocket, papa;-’ 

“ I thought you hacl lost it ? ” 

“ O no, papa ! ” 

“ Or forgotten it ? ” 

“ No. indeed, papa.” 

The king then sighed so heavily, and seemed so low-spirited 
and sat down so miserably, leaning his head upon his hand, 
and his elbow upon the kitchen-table pushed away in the 
corner, that the seventeen princes and princesses crept softly 
out of the kitchen, and left him. alone with the Princess Alicia 
and the angelic baby. 

“ What is the matter, papa ? ” 

“ I am dreadfully poor, my child.” 

“ Have you no money at all, papa ? ” 

“ None, my child.” 

“ Is there no way of getting any, papa ? ” 

“ No way,” said the king. “ I have tried very hard, and I 
have tried all ways.” 

When she heard these last words, the Princess Alicia began 
to put her hand into the pocket where she kept the magic 
fish-bone 

“Papa,” said she, “when we have tried very hard, and 
tried all ways, we must have done our very, very best? ” 

“ No doubt, Aiicia.” 

“ When we have done our very, very best, papa, and that is 
not enough, then I think the right time must have come for 
asking help of others.” This was the very secret connected 
with the magic fish-bone, which she had found out for herself 
from the good Fairy Grandmarina’s words, and which she had 
so often whispered to her beautiful and fashionable friend, the 
duchess. 

So she took out of her pocket the magic fish-bone that had 
been dried and rubbed, and polished, till it shone like mother- 
of-pearl ; and she gave it one little kiss, and wished it was 
quarter-day. And immediately it was quarter-day ; and the 
king’s quarter’s salary came rattling down the chimney, and 
bounced into the middle of the floor. 

But this was not half of what happened, — no, not a quarter ; 
for immediately afterwards the good Fairy Grandmarina came 
riding in, in a carriage and four (peacocks), with Mr. Pickles’s 
boy up behind, dressed in silver and gold, with a cocked-hat, 
powdered hair, pink silk stockings, a jewelled cane, and a nose- 
gay. Down jumped Mr. Pickles’s boy, with his cocked-hat in 
his hand, and wonderfully polite (being entirely changed by 


HO LI DA Y ROMANCE. 


65° 

enchantment), and handed Grandmarina out ; and there she 
stood, in her rich shot-silk smelling of dried lavender, fanning 
herself with a sparkling fan. 

“ Alicia, my dear,” said this charming old fairy, “how do 
you do ? I hope I see you pretty well ? Give me a kiss.” 

The Princess Alicia embraced her ; and then Grandmarina 
turned to the king, and said rather sharply, “ Are you good ? ” 

The king said he hoped so. 

“ I suppose you know the reason now , why my god-daugh- 
ter here,” kissing the princess again, “did not apply to the 
fish-bone sooner ? ” said the fairy. 

The king made a shy bow. 

“ Ah ! but you didn’t then ? ” said the fairy. 

The king made a shyer bow. 

“ Any more reasons to ask for ? ” said the fairy. 

The king said, No, and he was very sorry. 

“ Be good, then,” said the fairy, “and live happy ever after- 
wards.” 

Then Grandmarina waved her fan, and the queen came in 
most splendidly dressed ; and the seventeen young princes and 
princesses, no longer grown out of their clothes, came in, newly 
fitted out froVn top to toe, with tucks in everything to admit of 
its being let out. After that, the fairy tapped the Princess 
Alicia with her fan ; and the smothering coarse apron flew 
away, and she appeared exquisitely dressed, like a little bride, 
with a wreath of orange-flowers and a silver veil. After that, 
the kitchen dresser changed of itself into a wardrobe, made of 
beautiful woods and gold and looking-glass, which was full of 
dresses of all sorts, all for her and all exactly fitting her. Af- 
ter that, the angelic baby came in, running alone, with his face 
and eye not a bit the worse, but much the better. Then Grand- 
marina begged to be introduced to the duchess ; and, when the 
duchess was brought down, many compliments passed between 
them. 

A little whispering took place between the fairy and the 
duchess ; and then the fairy said out loud, “Yes, I thought she 
would have told you.” Grandmarina then turned to the king 
and queen, and said, “ We are going in search of Prince Cer- 
tain personio. The pleasure of your company is requested at 
church in half an hour precisely.” So she and the Princess 
Alicia got into the carriage ; and Mr. Pickles’s boy handed in 
the duchess, who sat by herself on the opposite seat ; and then 
Mr. Pickles’s boy put up the steps and got up behind, and the 
peacocks flew away with their tails behind. 


If O L ip A Y ROMANCE . 


65 1 

Prince Certainpersonio- was sitting by himself, eating bar- 
ley-sugar, and waiting to be ninety. When lie saw the. pea- 
cocks, followed by the carriage, coming in at the window, it 
immediately occurred to him that something uncommon was 
going to happen. 

“ Prince, 5 ’ said Grandmarina, “ I bring you your bride.” 

The moment the fairy said those words, Prince Certainpcr- 
sonio’s face left off being sticky, and his jacket and corduroys 
changed to peach-bloom velvet, and his hair curled, and a cap 
and feather flew in like a bird and settled on his head. He 
got into the carriage by the fairy’s invitation ; and there he re- 
newed his acquaintance with the duchess, whom he had seen 
before. 

In the church were the prince’s relations and friends, and 
the Princess Alicia’s relations and friends, and the seventeen 
princes and princesses, and the baby, and a crowd of the 
neighbors. The marriage was beautiful beyond expression. 
The duchess was bridesmaid, and beheld the ceremony from 
the pulpit, where she was supported by the cushion of the desk. 

Grandmarina gave a magnificent wedding-feast afterwards, 
in which there was everything and more to eat, and everything 
and more to drink. The wedding-cake was delicately orna- 
mented with white satin ribbons, frosted silver, and white 
lilies, and was forty-two yards round. 

When Grandmarina had drunk her love to the young couple, 
and Prince Certainpersonio had made a speech, and everybody 
had cried, Hip, hip, hip, hurrah ! Grandmarina announced to 
the king and queen that in future there would be eight quarter- 
days in every year, except in leap-year, when there would be 
ten. She then turned to Certainpersonio and Alicia, and said, 
“ My dears, you will have thirty-five children, and they will all 
be good and beautiful. Seventeen of your children will be 
boys, and eighteen will be girls. The hair of the whole of your 
children will curl naturally. They will never have the measles, 
and will have recovered from the whooping-cough before being 
born.” 

On hearing such good news, everybody cried ©ut, “ Hip, 
hip, hip, hurrah ! ” again. 

“It only remains,” said Grandmarina in conclusion, “to 
make an end of the fish-bone.” 

So she took it from the hand of the Princess Alicia, and it 
instantly flew down the throat of the dreadful little snapping 
pug-dog, next door, and choked him, and he expired in convul- 
sions. 

28 


652 


HO L ID A Y ROMANCE . 


PART III. 

ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF LIEUTENANT-COLONEL. ROBIN 
REDFORTH.* 

The subject of our present narrative would appear to have 
devoted himself to the pirate profession at a comparatively 
early age. We find him in command of a splendid schooner 
of one hundred guns loaded- to the muzzle, ere yet he had had 
a party in honor of his tenth birthday. 

It seems that our hero, considering himself spited by a 
Latin-grammar master, demanded the satisfaction due from one 
man of honor to another. Not getting it, he privately with- 
drew his haughty spirit from such low company, bought a 
second-hand pocket-pistol, folded up some sandwiches in a 
paper- bag, made a bottle of Spanish liquoricerwater,'and en- 
tered on a career of valor. 

It were tedious to follow Boldheart (for such was his name) 
through the commencing stages of his story. Suffice ' it, that 
we find him bearing the rank of Captain Boldheart, reclining 
in full uniform on a crimson hearth-rug spread out upon the 
quarter-deck of his schooner, “ The Beauty,” in the China Seas. 
It was a lovely evening ; and, as his crew lay grouped about 
him, he favored them with the following melody : — 

O, landsmen are folly ! 

(), pirates are jolly ! 

O, diddleum Dolly, 

Di ! 

Chorus , — Heave yo 1 

The soothing effect of these animated sounds floating over 
the waters, as the common sailors united their rough voices to 
take up the rich tones of Boldheart, may be more easily con- 
ceived than described. 

It was under these circumstances that the lookout at the 
mast-head gave the word “ Whales ! ” 

All was now activity. 

“ Where away ? ” cried Captain Boldheart, starting up. 

“ On the larboard bow, sir,” replied the fellow at the mast 


Aged nine. 


HOUDA y ROMANCE. 



head, touching his hat. For such was the height of discipline 
on board of “ The Beauty,” that even at that height, he was 
obliged lO mind it, or be shot through the head. 

“ This adventure belongs to me,” said Boldheart. “ Boy, 
my harpoon. Let no man follow;” and, leaping alone into' 
his l3oat, the captain rowed with admirable dexterity in the 
direction of the monster. 

All was now excitement. 

“ He nears him ! ” said an elderly seaman, following the 
captain through his spy-glass. 

“ He strikes him ! ” said another seaman, a mere stripling, 
but also with a spy-glass. 

“ He tows him towards us ! ” said another seaman, a man 
in the full vigor of life, but also with a spy-glass. 

In fact, the captain was seen approaching with the huge 
bulk following. We will not dwell on the deafening cries of 
“ Boldheart ! Boldheart ! ” with which he was received, when, 
carelessly leaping on the quarter-deck, he presented his prize 
to his men. They afterwards made two thousand four hundred 
and seventeen pound ten and sixpence by it. 

Ordering the sails to be braced up, the captain now stood 
W. N. W. “The Beauty” flew rather than floated over the 
dark blue waters. Nothing particular occurred for a fortnight, 
except taking, with considerable slaughter, four Spanish gal- 
leons, and a snow from South America, all richly laden. Inac- 
tion began to tell upon the spirits of the men. Captain* Bold- 
heart called all hands aft, and said, “ My lads, I hear there 
are discon tened ones among ye. Let any such stand forth.” 

After some murmuring, in which the expressions, “Ay, ay, 
sir!” “Union Jack,” “Avast,” “Starboard,” “Port,” “Bow- 
sprit,” and similar indications of a mutinous undercurrent, 
though subdued, were audible. Bill Boozey, captain of the fore- 
top, came out from the rest. His form was that of a giant, but 
he quailed under the captain’s eye. 

“ What are your wrongs ? ” said the captain. 

“Why, d’ye see, Captain Boldheart,” replied the towering 
mariner, “ I’ve sailed, man and boy, for many a year, but I never 
yet know’d the milk served out for the ship’s company’s teas 
to be so sour as ’tis aboard this craft.” 

At this moment the thrilling cry, “ Man overboard ! ” 
announced to the astonished crew that Boozey, in stepping- 
back, as the captain (in mere thoughtfulness) laid his hand 
upon the faithful pocket-pistol which he wore in his belt, had 
lost his balance, and was struggling with the foaming tide. 


HOLIDA V ROMANCE. 


654 

All was now stupefaction. 

But with Captain Boldheart, to throw off his uniform coat* 
regardless of the various rich orders with which it was decorated, 
and to plunge into the sea after the drowning giant, was the 
work of a moment. Maddening was the excitement when boats 
were lowered ; intense the joy when the captain was seen hold- 
ing up the drowning man with his teeth ; deafening the cheer- 
ing when both were restored to the main deck of “ The Beauty.” 
And, from the instant of his changing his wet clothes for dry 
ones, Captain Boldheart had no such devoted though humble 
friend as William Boozey. 

Boldheart now pointed to the horizon, and called the atten- 
tion of his crew to the taper spars of a ship lying snug in har- 
bor under the guns of a fort. 

“ She shall be ours at sunrise,” said he. “ Serve out a 
double allowance of grog, and prepare for action.” 

All was now preparation. 

When morning dawned, after a sleepless night, it was seen 
that the stranger was crowding on all sail to come out of the 
harbor and offer battle. As the two ships came nearer to each 
other, the stranger fired a gun and hoisted Roman colors. 
Boldheart then perceived her to be the Latin-grammar master’s 
bark. Such indeed she was, and had been tacking about the 
world in unavailing pursuit, from the time of his first taking to 
a roving life.” 

Boldheart now addressed his men, promising to blow them 
up if he should feel convinced that their reputation required it, 
and giving orders that the Latin-grammar master should be 
taken alive. He then dismissed them to their quarters, and 
the fight began with a broadside from “ The Beauty.” She 
then veered around, and poured in another. “ The Scorpion ” 
(so was the bark of the Latin-grammar master appropriately 
called) was not slow to return her fire ; and a terrific cannon- 
ading ensued, in which the guns of “The Beauty” did tre- 
mendous execution. 

The Latin-grammar master was seen upon the poop, in the 
midst of the smoke and fire, encouraging his men. To do him 
justice, he was no craven, though his white hat, his short gray 
trousers, and his long snuff-colored surtout reaching to his 
heels (the self-same coat in which he had spited Boldheart), 
contrasted most unfavorably with the brilliant uniform of the 
latter. At this moment, Boldheart, seizing a pike and putting 
himself at the head of his men, gave the word to board. 

A desperate conflict ensued in the hammock-nettings, — or 


HO LIDA V ROMANCE. 


655 


somewhere in about that direction,- — until the Latin-grammar 
master, having all his masts gone, his hull and rigging shot 
through and through, and seeing Boldheart slashing a path 
towards him, hauled down his flag himself, gave up his sword 
to Boldheart, and asked for quarter. Scarce had he been put 
into the Captain’s boat, ere “ The Scorpion ” went down with 
all on board. v . 

On Captain Boldheart’s now assembling his men, a circum- 
stance occurred. He found it necessary with one blow of his 
cutlass to kill the cook, who, having lost his brother in the late 
action, was making at the Latin-grammar master in an infuriated 
state, intent on his destruction with a carving-knife. 

Captain Boldheart then turned to the Latin-grammar mas- 
ter, severely reproach ingUiim with his perfidy, and put it to his 
crew what they considered that a master who spited a boy 
deserved. 

They answered with one voice, “ Death.” 

“ It may be so,” said the captain ; “ but it shall never be 
said that Boldheart stained his hour of triumph with the blood 
of his enemy. Prepare the cutter.” 

The cutter was immediately prepared. 

“Without taking your life,” said the captain, “ I must yet 
forever deprive you of the power of spiting other boys. I shall 
turn you adrift in this boat. You will find in her two oars, a 
compass, a bottle of rum, a small cask of water, a piece of pork, 
a bag of biscuit, and my Latin grammar. Go ! and spite the na- 
tives, if you can find any.” 

Deeply conscious of this bitter sarcasm, the unhappy wretch 
was put into the cutter, and was soon left far behind. He 
made no effort to row, but was seen lying on his back with his 
legs up, when last made out by the ship’s telescopes. 

A stiff breeze now beginning to blow, Captain Boldheart 
gave orders to keep her S. S. W., easing her a little during the 
night by falling off a point or two W. by W., or even by W. S., 
if she complained much. He then retired for the night, hav- 
ing in truth much need of repose. In addition to the fatigues 
he had undergone, this brave officer had received sixteen wounds 
in the engagement, but had not mentioned it. 

In the morning a white squall came on, and was succeeded 
by other squalls of various colors. It thundered and lightened 
heavily for six weeks. Hurricanes then set in for two months. 
Water-spouts and tornadoes followed. The oldest sailor on 
board — and he was a very old one — had never seen such 
weather. “ The Beauty ” lost all idea where she was, an<;l the 


IIO LID A V ROM A MCE. 


656 

carpenter reported six feet two of water in the hold. Every- 
body fell senseless at the pumps every day. 

Provisions now ran very low. Our hero put the crew on 
short allowance, and put himself on shorter allowance than any 
man in the ship. But his spirit kept him fat. In this extremity, 
the gratitude of Boozey, the captain of the foretop, whom our 
readers may remember, was truly affecting. The loving though 
lowly William repeatedly requested to be killed, and preserved 
for the captain’s table. 

We now approach a change in affairs. 

One day during a gleam of sunshine, and when the weather 
had moderated, the man at the mast-head — too weak now to 
touch his hat, besides its having been blown away — called out, — 

“ Savages ! ” 

All was now expectation. 

Presently fifteen hundred canoes, each paddled by twenty 
savages, were seen advancing in excellent order. They were 
of a light green color (the savages were), and sang, with great 
energy, the following strain : — 

Choo a choo a choo tooth. 

Muntch, muntch. Nycey ! 

Choo a choo a choo tooth. 

Muntch, muntch. Nyce! 

As the shades of night were by this time closing in, these ex- 
pressions were supposed to embody this simple people’s views 
of the evening hymn. But it too soon appeared that the song 
was a translation of “ For what we are going to receive,” &c. 

The chief, imposingly decorated with feathers of lively 
colors, and having the majestic appearance of a fighting parrot, 
no sooner understood (he understood English perfectly) that 
the ship was “ The Beauty,” Captain Boldheart, than he fell 
upon his face on the deck, and could not be persuaded to rise 
until the captain had lifted him up, and told him he wouldn’t 
hurt him. All the rest of the savages also fell on their faces 
with marks of terror, and had also to be lifted up one by one. 
Thus the fame of the great Boldheart had gone before him, 
even among these children of Nature. 

Turtles and oysters were now produced in astonishing 
numbers ; and on these and yams the people made a hearty 
meal. After dinner the chief told Captain Boldheart that there 
was better feeding up at the village, and that he would be glad 
to take him and his officers there. Apprehensive of treachery, 
Boldheart ordered his boat’s crew to attend him completely 
armed. And well were it for other commanders if their pre- 
cautions — But let us not anticipate. 


I/OLID A y ROMANCE. 


6 57 

When the canoes arrived at the beach, the darkness of the 
night was illumined by the light of an immense fire. Ordering 
his boat’s crew (with the intrepid though illiterate William at 
their head) to keep close and be upon their guard, Boldheart 
bravely went on, arm in arm with the chief. 

But how to depict tho captain’s surprise when be found a 
ring of savages singing in chorus that barbarous translation of 
“ For what we are going to receive,” &c., jyhich has been given 
above, and dancing hand in hand round the Latin-grammar 
master, in a hamper with his head shaved, while two savages 
floured him, before putting him to the fire to be cooked ! 

Boldheart now took counsel with his officers on the course 
to be adopted. In the mean time, the miserable captive never 
ceased begging pardon and imploring to be delivered. On the 
generous Boldheart’s proposal, it was at length resolved that 
he should not be cooked, but should be allowed to remain raw, 
on two conditions ; namely : — 

1. That he should never, under any circumstances, presume 
to teach any boy anything any more. 

2. That, if taken back to England, he should pass his life 
in travelling to find out boys who wanted their exercises done, 
and should do their exercises for those boys for nothing, and 
never say a word about it. 

Drawing the sword from its sheath, Boldheart swore him to 
these conditions on its shining blade. The prisoner wept bit- 
terly, and appeared acutely to feel the errors of his past career. 

The captain then ordered his boat’s crew to make ready for 
a volley, and after firing to re-load quickly. “ And expect a 
score or two on ye to go head over heels,” murmured William 
Boozey ; “ for I’m a looking at ye.” With those words, the 
derisive though deadly William took a good aim. 

“ Fire ! ” 

The ringing voice of Boldheart was lost in the report of the 
guns and the screeching of the savages. Volley after volley 
awakened the numerous echoes. Hundreds of savages were 
killed, hundreds wounded, and thousands ran howling into the 
woods. The Latin-grammar master had a spare nightcap lent 
him, and a long tail-coat, which he wore hind side before. He 
presented a ludicrous though pitiable appearance, and serve 
him right. 

We now find Captain Boldheart, with, this rescued wretch 
on board, standing off for other islands. At one of these, not - 
a cannibal island, but a pork and vegetable one, he married 
(only in fun on his part) the king’s daughter. Flere he rested 

42 


I SOLI DA V ROMANCE. 


658 

some time, receiving from the natives great quantities of pre- 
cious stones, gold-dust, elephants’ teeth, and sandal wood, and 
getting very rich. This, too, though he almost every day made 
presents of enormous value to his men. 

The ship being at length as full as she could hold of all 
sorts of valuable things, Boldheart gave orders to weigh the 
anchor and turn “ The Beauty’s ” head towards England. 
These orders \yere obeyed with three cheers ; and ere the sun 
went down full many a hornpipe had been danced on deck by 
the uncouth though agile William. 

We next find Captain Boldheart about three leagues off 
Madeira, surveying through his spy-glass a stranger of suspicious 
appearance making sail towards him. On his firing a gun 
ahead of her to bring her to, she ran up a flag, which he in- 
stantly recognized as the flag from the mast in the back-garden 
at home. 

Inferring from this, that his father had put to sea to seek 
his long-lost son, the captain sent his own boat on board the 
stranger to inquire if this was so, and, if so, whether his father’s 
intentions were strictly honorable. The boat came back with 
a present of greens and fresh meat, and reported that the 
stranger was “ The Family,” of twelve hundred tons, and had 
not only the captain’s father on board, but also his mother, 
with the majority of his aunts and uncles, and all his cousins. 
It was further reported to Boldheart that the whole of these 
relations had expressed themselves in a becoming manner, and 
were anxious to embrace him and thank him for the glorious 
credit he had done them. Boldheart at once invited them to 
breakfast next morning on board “ The Beauty,” and gave 
orders for a brilliant ball that should last all day. 

It was in the course of the night that the captain discovered 
the hopelessness of reclaiming the Latin-grammar master. 
That thankless traitor was found out, as the two ships lay near 
each other, communicating with “The Family” by signals, 
and offering to give up Boldheart. He was hanged at the yard- 
arm the first thing in the morning, after having it impressively 
pointed out to him by Boldheart that this was what spiters 
came to. 

The meeting between the captain and his parents was at- 
tended with tears. His uncles and aunts would have attended 
their meeting with tears too, but he wasn’t going to stand that. 
His cousins were very much astonished by the size of his ship 
ancTthe discipline of his men, and were greatly overcome by 
the splendor of his uniform. He kindly conducted them round 


6 59 


HO L FDA Y ROMANCE. 

the vessel, and pointed out everything worthy of notice. He 
also fired his hundred guns, and found it amusing to witness 
their alarm. 

The entertainment surpassed everything ever seen on board 
ship, and lasted from ten in the morning until seven the next 
morning. Only one disagreeable incident occurred. Captain 
Boldheart found himself obliged to put his cousin Tom in irons, 
for being disrespectful. On the boy’s promising amendment, 
however, he was humanely released, after a few hours’ close 
confinement. 

Boldheart now took his mother down into the great cabin, 
and asked after the young lady with whom, it was well known 
to the world, he was in love. His mother replied that the ob- 
ject of his affections was then at school at Margate, for the ben- 
efit of sea-bathing (it was the month of September), but that 
she feared the young lady’s friends were still opposed to the 
union. Boldheart at once resolved, if necessary, to bombard 
the town. 

Taking the command of his ship with this intention, and 
putting all but fighting men on board “ The Family,” with 
orders to that vessel to keep in company, Boldheart soon an- 
chored in Margate Roads. Here he went ashore well armed, 
and attended by his boat’s crew (at their head the faithful 
though ferocious William), and demanded to see the mayor, 
who came out of his office. 

“ Dost know the name of yon ship, mayor ? ” asked Bold- 
heart fiercely, 

“ No,” said the mayor, rubbing his eyes, which he could 
scarce believe when he saw the goodly vessel riding at anchor. 

“ She is named 4 The Beauty, ’ ” said the captain. 

“ Hah ! ” exclaimed the mayor with a start. “ And you, 
then, are Captain Boldheart ? ” 

“ The same.” 

A pause ensued. The mayor trembled. 

“ Now, mayor,” said the captain, “ choose! Help me to 
my bride, or be bombarded.” 

The mayor begged for two hours’ grace in which to make 
inquiries respecting the young lady. Boldheart accorded him 
but one ; and during that one placed William Boozey sentry 
over him, with a drawn sword, and instructions to accompany 
him wherever he went, and to run him through the body if lie 
showed a sign of playing false. 

At the end of the hour the mayor re-appeared more dead 
than alive, closely waited on by Boozey more alive than dead. 


66 o 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE. 


“ Captain,” said the mayor, “ I have ascertained that the 
young lady is going to bathe. Even now she waits her turn for 
a machine. The tide is low, though rising. I, in one of our 
town-boats, shall not be suspected. When she comes forth in 
her bathing-dress into the shallow water from behind the hood 
of the machine, my boat shall intercept her and prevent her re- 
turn. Do you the rest.” 

“ Mayor,” returned Captain Boldheart, “ thou hast saved 
thy town.” 

The captain then signalled his boat to take him off, and, 
steering her himself, ordered her crew to row towards the bath- 
ing-ground, and there to rest upon their oars. All happened 
as had been arranged. His lovely bride came forth, the mayor 
glided in behind her, she became confused, and had floated out 
of her depth, when, with one skilful touch of the rudder and 
one quivering stroke from the boat’s crew, her adoring Bold- 
heart held her in his strong arms. There her shrieks of terror 
were changed to cries of joy. 

Before “ The Beauty,” could get under way, the hoisting of 
all the flags in the town and harbor, and the ringing of all the 
bells, announced to the brave Boldheart that he had nothing to 
fear. He therefore determined to be married on the spot, and 
signalled for a clergyman and clerk, who came off promptly in 
a sailing-boat named “ The Skylark . ’* Another great enter- 
tainment was then given on board “ The Beauty,” in the midst 
of which the mayor was called out by a messenger. He returned 
with the news that the government had sent down to know 
whether Captain Boldheart, in acknowledgment of the great 
services he had done his country by being a pirate, would con- 
sent to be made a lieutenant-colonel. For himself he would 
have spurned the worthless boon ; but his bride wished it, and 
he consented. 

Only one thing further happened before the good ship 
“ Family ” was dismissed, with rich presents to all on board. 
It is painful to record (but such is human nature in some cous- 
ins) that Captain Boldheart’s unmannerly Cousin Tom was ac- 
tually tied up to receive three dozen with a rope’s end “ for 
cheekiness and making game,” when Captain Boldheart’s lady 
begged for him, and he was spared. “The Beauty” then re- 
fitted, and the captain and his bride departed for the Indian 
Ocean to enjoy themselves forevermore. 


JI OLID A V ROMANCE. 


661 


PART IV. 

ROMANCE. FROM THE PEN OF MISS NETTIE ASHFORD.* 

There is a country, which I will show you when I get into 
maps, where the children have everything their own way. It 
is a most delightful country to live in. The grown-up people 
are obliged to obey the children, and are never allowed to sit 
up to supper, except on their birthdays. The children order 
them to make jam, and jelly, and marmalade, and tarts, and 
pies, and puddings, and all manner of pastry. If they say they 
won’t, they are put in the corner till they do. They are some- 
times allowed to have some ; but when they have some, they 
generally have powders given them afterwards. 

One of the inhabitants of this country, a truly sweet young 
creature of the name of Mrs. Orange, had the misfortune to be 
sadly plagued by her numerous family. Her parents required 
a great deal of looking after, and they had connections and 
companions who were scarcely ever out of mischief. So Mrs. 
Orange said to herself, “ I really cannot be troubled with these 
torments any longer ; I must put them all to school.” 

Mrs. Orange took off her pinafore, and dressed herself very 
nicely, and took up her baby, and went out to call upon another 
lady of the name of Mrs. Lemon, who kept a preparatory es- 
tablishment. Mrs. Orange stood upon the scraper to pull at 
the bell, and gave a ring-ting-ting. 

Mrs. Lemon’s neat little housemaid, pulling up her socks 
as she came along the passage, answered the ring-ting-ting. 

“ Good-morning,” said Mrs. Orange. ‘‘Fine day. How 
do you do ? Mrs. Lemon at home ? ” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“ Will you say Mrs. Orange and baby ? ” 

“ Yes, ma’am. Walk in.” 

Mrs. Orange’s baby was a very fine one, and real wax all 
over. Mrs. Lemon’s baby was leather and bran. However, 
when Mrs. Lemon came into the drawing-room with her baby 
in her arms, Mrs. Orange said politely, “ Good-morning. Fine 
day. How do you do ? And how is little Tootleum-boots ? ” 


Aged half past six. 


662 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE . 


“ Well, she is but poorly. Cutting her teeth, ma am,” sai<* 
Mrs. Lemon. 

“ O, indeed, ma’am ! ” said Mrs. Orange. “ No fits, l 
hope ? ” 

“ No, ma’am.” 

“ How many teeth has she, ma’am ? ” 

“ Five, ma’am.” 

“ My Emilia, ma’am, has eight,” said Mrs. Orange. “ Shall 
we lay them on the mantel-piece side by side, while we con- 
verse ? ” 

“ By all means, ma’am,” said Mrs. Lemon. “ Hem ! ” 
“The first question is, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange, “ I don’t 
bore you ? ” 

“ Not in the least, ma’am,” said Mrs. Lemon. “ Far from 
it, I assure you.” 

“ Then pray have you,” said Mrs. Orange, “ have — you any 
vacancies ? ” • 

“ Yes, ma’am. How many might you require ? ” 

“ Why the truth is, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange, “ I have 
come to the conclusion that my children,” — O, I forgot to say 
that they call the grown-up people children in that country ! — 
“ that my children are getting positively too much for me. Let 
me see. Two parents, two intimate friends of theirs, one god- 
father, two godmothers, and an aunt. Have you as many as 
eight vacancies ? ” 

“ I have just eight, ma’am,” said Mrs. Lemon. 

“ Most fortunate ! Terms moderate, I think ? ” 

“Very moderate, ma’am.” 

“ Diet good, I believe ? ” 

“ Excellent, ma’am.” 

“ Unlimited ? ” 

“ Unlimited.” 

“ Most satisfactory. Corporal punishment dispensed with ? ” 
“ Why, we do occasionally shake,” said Mrs. Lemon, “ and 
we have slapped. But only in extreme cases.” 

“ Could I, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange, — “ could I see the es- 
tablishment ? ” 

“ With the greatest of pleasure, ma’am,” said Mrs. Lemon. 
Mrs. Lemon took Mrs. Orange into the school-room, where 
there was a number of pupils. “ Stand up, children I ” said 
Mrs. Lemon ; and they all stood up. 

Mrs. Orange whispered to Mrs. Lemon : “ There is a pale, 
bald child, with red whiskers, in disgrace. Might I ask what 
he has done ? ” 


' JIOL1DA Y ROMANCE . 663 

“ Come here, White/’ said Mrs. Lemon : “ and tell this 
lady what you have been doing.” 

“ Betting on horses,” said White, sulkily. 

“ Are you sorry for it, you naughty child ? ” said Mrs. 
Lemon. x 

“ No,” said White. “ Sorry to lose, but shouldn’t be sorry 
to win.” 

“ There’s a vicious boy for you, ma’am,” said Mrs. Lemon. 
“ Go along with you, sir. This is Brown, Mrs. Orange. O, a 
sad case, Brown’s ! Never knows when he has had enough. 
Greedy. Blow is your gout, sir ? ” 

“ Bad,” said Brown. 

“ What else can you expect?” said Mrs. Lemon. “Your 
stomach is the size of two. Go and take exercise directly. 
Mrs. Black, come here to me. Now, here is a child, Mrs. 
Orange, ma’am, who is always at play. She can’t be kept at 
home a single day together ; always gadding about and spoiling 
her clothes. Play, play, play, play, from morning to night, and 
to morning again. How can she expect to improve ? ” 

“Don’t expect to improve,” sulked "Mrs. Black. “Don’t 
want to.” 

“ There is a specimen of her temper, ma’am,” said Mrs. 
Lemon. “To see her when she is tearing about, neglecting 
everything else, you would suppose her to be at least good- 
humored. But bless you, ma’am, she is as pert and flouncing 
a minx as ever you met with in all your days ! ” 

“You must have a great deal of trouble with them, ma’am,” 
said Mrs. Orange. 

“ Ah, I have, indeed, ma’am 1 ” said Mrs. Lemon. “ What 
with their tempers, what with their quarrels, what with their 
never knowing what’s good for them, and what with their al- 
ways wanting to domineer, deliver me from these unreasonable 
children ! ” 

“ Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,” said Mrs. 
Orange. 

“Well, I wish you good-morning, ma’am,” said Mrs. 
Lemon. 

So Mrs. Orange took up her baby and went home, and told 
the family that plagued her so that they were all going to be 
sent to school. They said they didn’t want to go to school ; 
but she packed up their boxes, and packed them off. 

“ O dear me, dear me ! Rest and be thankful ! ” said Mrs. 
Orange, throwing herself back in her little arm-chair. “ Those 
troublesome troubles are got rid of, please the pigs ! ” 


66 4 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE. 


Just then another lady, named Mrs. Alicumpaine, came call 
ing at the street-door with a ring-ting-ting. 

“ My dear Mrs. Alicumpaine, ” said Mrs. Orange, “ how do 
you do ? Pray stay to dinner. We have but a simple joint of 
sweet-stuff, followed by a plain dish of bread and treacle, but, 
if you will take us as' you find us, it will be so kind ! ” 

“Don’t mention it,” said Mrs. Alicumpaine. “I shall be 
too glad. But what do you think I have come for, ma’am ? 
Guess, ma’am.” 

“I really cannot guess, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange. 

“ Why, I am going to have a small juvenile party to-night,” 
said Mrs. Alicumpaine ; “ and if you and Mr. Orange and baby 
would but join us, we should be complete.” 

“ More than charmed, I am sure ! ” said Mrs. Orange. 

“ So kind of you ! ” said Mrs. Alicumpaine. “ But I hope 
the children won’t bore you ? ” 

“ Dear things ! Not at all,” said Mrs. Orange. “ I dote 
upon them.” 

Mr. Orange here came home from the city ; and he came, 
too, with a ring-ting-ting. 

“James, love,” said Mrs. -Orange, “you look tired. What 
has been doing in the city to-day ? ” 

“Trap, bat, and ball, my dear,” said Mr. Orange : “ and it 
knocks a man up.” 

“ That dreadfully anxious city, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange 
to Mrs. Alicumpaine ; “ so wearing, is it not ? ” 

“ O, so trying!” said Mrs. Alicumpaine. “John has 
lately been speculating in the peg-top ring ; and I often say to 
him at night, ‘ John, is the result worth the wear and tear ? ’ ” 

Dinner was ready by this time ; so they sat down to dinner : 
and while Mr. Orange carved the joint of sweet-stuff, he said, 
“It’s a poor heart that never rejoices. Jane, go down to the 
cellar, and fetch a bottle of the Upest ginger-beer.” 

At tea-time, Mr. and Mrs. Orange, and baby, and Mrs. Ali- 
cumpaine went off to Mrs. Alicumpaine’s house. The children 
had not come yet ; but the ball-room was ready for them, dec- 
orated with paper flowers. 

“ How very sweet ! ” said Mrs. Orange. “ The dear things ! 
How pleased they will be !«” 

“ I don’t care for children myself,” said Mr. Orange gaping. 

“ Not for girls ? ” said Mrs. Alicumpaine. “ Come ! you 
care for girls ? ” 

Mr. Orange shook his head, and gaped again. “ Frivolous 
and vain, ma’am.” 


HO LID A Y ROMANCE. 


665 

“ My dear James,” cried Mrs. Orange, who had been 
peeping about, “ do look, here. Here’s the supper for the 
darlings, ready laid in the room behind the folding-doors. 
Here’s their little pickled salmon, I do declare ! And here’s 
their little salad, and their little roast beef and fowls, and their 
little pastry, and their wee, wee, wee champagne ! ” 

“ Yes, I thought it best, ma’am,” said Mrs. Alicumpaine, 
“ that they should have their supper by themselves. Our table 
is in the corner here, where the gentlemen can have their wine- 
glass of negus, and their egg-sandwich, and their quiet game at 
beggar-my-neighbor, and look on. As for us, ma’am, we shall 
have quite enough to do to manage the company.” 

“ O, indeed, you may so ! Quite enough, ma’am ! ” said 
Mrs. Orange. 

The company began to come. The first of them was a stout 
boy, with a white top-knot and spectacles. The housemaid 
brought him in and said, “ Compliments, and at what time was 
he to be fetched! ” Mrs. Alicumpaine said, “Not a moment 
later than ten. How do you do, sir ? Go and sit down.” 
Then a number of other children came ; boys by themselves, 
and girls by themselves, and boys and girls together. They 
didn’t behave at all well. Some of them looked through 
quizzing-glasses at others, and said, “ Who are those ? Don’t 
know them.” Some of them looked through quizzing-glasses 
at others, and said, “ How do ? ” Some of them had cups of 
tea or coffee handed to them by others, and said, “ Thanks ; 
much ! ” A good many boys stood about, and felt their shirt- 
collars. Four tiresome fat boys would stand in the doorway, 
and talk about the newspapers, till Mrs. Alicumpaine went to 
them and said, “ My dears, I really cannot allow, you to pre- 
vent people from coming in. I shall be truly sorry to do it ; 
but, if you put yourselves in everybody’s way, I must positively 
send you home.” One boy, with a beard and a large white 
waistcoat, who stood straddling on the hearth-rug warming his 
coat-tails, was sent home. “ Highly incorrect, my dear,” said 
Mrs. Alicumpaine, handing him out of the room, “ and I can- 
not permit it.” 

There was a children’s band, — harp, cornet, and piano, — • 
and Mrs. Alicumpaine and Mrs. Orange bustled among the 
children to persuade them to take partners and dance. But 
they were so obstinate ! For quite a long time they would not 
be persuaded to take partners and dance. Most of the boys 
said, “ Thanks ; much ! But not at present.” And most of 
the rest of the boys said, “Thanks ; much ! But never do.”" 


666 


HO LID A Y ROMANCE. 


“ O, these children are very wearing ! ” said Mrs. Alicunv 
paine to Mrs. Orange. 

“ Dear things ! I dote upon them ; but they are wearing,” 
said Mrs. Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine. 

At last they did begin in a slow and melancholy was to slide 
about to the music ; though even then they wouldn’t mind what 
they were told, but would have this partner, and wouldn’t have 
that partner, and showed temper about it. And they wouldn’t 
smile, — no, not on any account they wouldn’t ; but, when the 
music stopped, went round and round the room in dismal twos 
as if everybody else was dead. 

“ O, it’s very hard indeed to get these vexing children to be 
entertained ! ” said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange. 

“ I dote upon the darlings ; but it is hard,” said Mrs. 
Orange to Mrs. Alicumpaine. 

They were trying children, that’s the truth. First, they 
wouldn’t sing when they were asked ; and then, when every- 
body fully believed they wouldn’t, they would. “ If you serve 
us so any more, my love,” said Mrs. Alicumpaine to a tall child, 
with a good deal of white back, in mauve , silk trimmed with 
lace, “ it will be my painful privilege to offer you a bed, and to 
send you to it immediately.” 

The girls were so ridiculously dressed, too, that they were 
in rags before supper. How could the boys help treading on 
their trains ? And yet when their trains were trodden on, they 
often showed temper again, and looked as black, they did ! 
However, they all seemed to be pleased when Mrs. Alicum- 
paine said, “ Supper is ready, children ! ” And they went 
crowding and pushing in, as if they had had dry bread for 
dinner. 

“ How are the children getting on ? ” said Mr. Orange to 
Mrs. Orange, when Mrs. Orange came to look after baby. 
Mrs. Orange had left baby on a shelf near Mr. Orange while he 
played at beggar-my-neighbor, and had asked him to keep his 
eye upon her now and then. ^ 

“ Most charmingly, my dear ! ” said Mrs. Orange. “ So 
droll to see their little flirtations and jealousies ! Do come and 
look ! ” 

“ Much obliged to you, my dear,” said Mr. Orange • “ but 
I don’t care about children myself.” 

So Mrs. Orange, having seen that baby was safe, went back 
without Mr. Orange to the room where the children were having 
supper. 

a What are they doing now ? ” said Mrs. Orange to Mrs f 
Alicumpaine. 


HO LI DA Y ROMANCE. 


667 

“ They are making speeches, and playing at Parliament, ” 
said Mrs. Alicumpaine to Mrs. Orange. 

On hearing this, Mrs. Orange set off once more back again 
to Mr. Orange, and said, “ James, dear, do come. The children 
*re playing at Parliament.” 

“ Thank you, my dear,” said Mr. Orange, “but I don’t care 
fibout' Parliament myself.” 

So Mrs. Orange went once again without Mr. Orange to the 
room where the children were having supper, to see them play- 
ing at Parliament. And she found, some of the boys crying, 
“ Hear, hear, hear! ” while other boys cried, “ No, no ! ” and 
others “ Question ! ” “ Spoke ! ” and all sorts of nonsense 

that ever you heard. Then one of those tiresome fat boys who 
had stopped the doorway told them he was on his legs (as if 
they couldn’t see that he wasn’t on his head, or on his any- 
thing else) to explain, and that, with the permission of his 
honorable friend, if he would allow him to call him so (another 
tiresome boy bowed), he would proceed to explain. Then he 
went on for a long time in a sing-song (whatever he meant), 
did this troublesome fat boy, about that he held in his hand a 
glass ; and about that he had come down to that house that 
night to discharge what he would call a public duty ; and 
about that, on the present occasions, he would lay his hand 
(his other hand) upon his heart, and would tell honorable 
gentlemen that he was about to open the door to general 
approval. Then he opened the door by saying, “To our 
hostess ! ” and everybody else said “ To our hostess ! ” and 
then there were cheers. Then another tiresome boy started up 
in sing-song, and then half a dozen noisy and nonsensical boys 
at once. But at last Mrs. Alicumpaine said, “ I cannot have 
this din. Now, children, you have played at Parliament very 
nicely ; but Parliament gets tiresome after a little while, and 
it’s time you left off, for you will soon be fetched. 

After another damce (with more tearing to rags than before 
supper), they began to be fetched ; and you will be very glad 
to be told that the tiresome fat boy who had been on his legs 
was walked off first without any ceremony. When they were 
all gone, poor Mrs. Alicumpaine dropped upon a sofa, and said 
to Sirs. Orange, “ These children will be the death of me at 
last, ma’am, — they will indeed ! ” 

“ I quite adore them, ma’am,” said Mrs. Orange ; “ but they 
po want variety.” 

Mr. Orange got his hat, and Mrs. Orange got her bonnet 
and her baby, and they set out to walk home. They had to 
pass Mrs. Lemon’s preparatory establishment on their way. 


668 


HOLIDA Y ROMANCE . 


“I wonder, James dear/’ said Mrs. Orange, looking up at 
the window, “ whether the precious children are asleep ! 77 

“ I don’t care much whether they are or not, myself / 7 said 
Mr. Orange. 

“ James, dear ! ” 

“ You dote upon them, you know / 7 said Mr. Orange. 
“That’s another thing . 77 

“ I do , 77 said Mrs. Orange, rapturously. a O, I do ! 77 

“I don’t , 77 said Mr. Orange. 

“ But I was thinking, James, love , 77 said Mrs. Orange, press- 
ing his arm, “ whether our dear, good, kind Mrs. Lemon would 
like them to stay the holidays with her . 77 

“ If she was paid for it, I daresay she would , 77 said Mr. 
Orange. 

“I adore them, James , 77 said Mrs. Orange ; “but suppose 
we pay her, then ! 77 

This was what brought that country to such perfection, and 
made it such a delightful place to live in. The grown-up 
people (that would be in other countries) soon left off being 
allowed any holidays after Mr. and Mrs. Orange tried the ex- 
periment ; and the children (that would be in other countries) 
kept them at school as long as ever they lived, and made them 
do whatever they were told. 


GEORGE SILVERMAN’S EXPLANATION. 


FIRST CHAPTER. 

It happened in this wise, — 

But, sitting with my pen in my hand looking at those words 
again, without descrying any hint in them of the words that 
should follow, it comes into my mind that they have an abrupt 
appearance. They may serve, however, if I let them remain, 
to suggest how very difficult I find it to begin to explain my 
explanation. An uncouth phrase ; and yet I do not see my 
way to a better. 


SECOND CHAPTER. 

It happened in this wise, — 

But looking at those words, and comparing them with my 
former opening, I find they are the self-same words repeated. 
This is the more surprising to me, because I employ them in 
quite a new connection. For indeed I declare that my inten- 
tion was to discard the commencement I first had in my 
thoughts, and to give the preference to another of an entirely 
different nature, dating my explanation from an anterior period 
of my life. I will make a third trial, without erasing this 
second failure, protesting that it is not my design to conceal 
any of my infirmities, whether they be of head or heart. 

(669) 


6 ;° 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 


THIRD CHAPTER. 

Not as yet directly aiming at how it came to pass, I will 
come upon it by degrees. The natural manner, after all, for 
God knows that is how it came upon me. 

My parents were in a miserable condition of life, and my 
infant home was a cellar in Preston. I recollect the sound of 
father's Lancashire clogs* on the street pavement above, as 
being different in my young hearing from the sound of all other 
clogs ; and I recollect, that, when mother came down the cellar- 
steps, I used tremblingly to speculate on her feet having a good 
or an ill-tempered look, — on her knees, — on her waist, — until 
finally her face came into view, and settled the question. From 
this it will be seen that I was timid, and that the cellar-steps 
were steep, and that the doorway was very low. 

Mother had the gripe and clutch of poverty upon her face, 
upon her figure, and not least of all upon her voice. Her sharp 
and high-pitched words were squeezed out of her, as by the 
compression of bony fingers on a leathern bag ; and she had a 
way of rolling her eyes about and about the cellar, as she 
scolded, that was gaunt and hungry 7 . Father, with his shoulders 
rounded, would sit quiet on a three-legged stool, looking at the 
empty grate, until she would pluck the stool from under him, 
and bid him go bring some money home. Then he would dis- 
mally ascend the steps ; and I, holding my ragged shirt and 
trousers together with a hand (my only braces), would feint and 
dodge from mother’s pursuing grasp at my hair. 

A worldly little devil was mother’s usual name for me. 
Whether I cried for that I was in the dark, or for that it was 
cold, or for that I was hungry, or whether I squeezed myself 
into a warm corner when there was a fire, or ate voraciously 
when there was food, she would still say, “ O you worldly little 
devil ! ” And the sting of it was, that I quite well knew myself 
to be a worldly little devil. Worldly as to wanting to be housed 
and warmed, worldly, as to wanting to be fed, worldly as to the 
greed with which I inwardly compared how much I got of those 
good things with how much father and mother got, when, rarely, 
those good things were going. 

Sometimes they both went away seeking work ; and then I 
would be locked up in the cellar for a day or two at a time. I 
was at my worldiest then. Left alone, I yielded myself up to 


GEORGE SIL VERM AN ’S EXPLANA TION. 671 

a worldly yearning for enough of anything (except misery), and 
for the death of mother’s father, who was a machine-maker at 
Birmingham, and in whose decease, I had heard mother say, 
she would come into a whole court full of houses “ if she had 
her rights.” Worldly little devil, I would stand about, musingly 
fitting my cold bare feet into cracked bricks and crevices of the 
damp cellar floor, — walking over my grandfather’s body ; so to 
speak, into the court full of houses, and selling them for meat 
and drink, and clothes to wear. 

At last a change came down into our cellar. The universal 
change came down even as low as that, — so will it mount to 
any height on which a human creature can perch, — and brought 
other changes with it. 

We had a heap of I don’t know what foul litter in the darkest 
corner, which we called “ the bed.” For three days mother lay 
upon it without getting up, and then began at times to laugh. 
If I had ever heard her laugh before, it had been so seldom 
that the strange sound frightened me. It frightened father 
too ; and we took it by turns to give her water. Then she be- 
gan to move her head from side to side, and sing. After that, 
she getting no better, father fell a-laughing and a-singing ; and 
then there was only I to give them both water, ahd they both 
died. 


FOURTH CHAPTER. 

When I was lifted out of the cellar by two men, of whom 
one came peeping down alone first, and ran away and brought 
the other, I could hardly bear the light of the street. I was 
sitting in the road-way, blinking at it, and at a ring of people 
collected around me, but not close to me, when, true to my 
character of worldly little devil, I broke silence by saying, “ I 
am hungry and thirsty ! ” 

“ Does he know they are dead ? ” asked one of another. 

“ Do you know your father and mother are both dead of 
fever? ” asked a third of me, severely. 

“ I don’t know what it is to be dead. I supposed it meant 
that, when the cup rattled against their teeth, and the water 
spilt over them. I am hungry and thirsty.” That was all I 
had to say about it. 

The ring of people widened outward from the inner side 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 


672 

as I looked around me ; and I smelt vinegar, and what I knew 
to be camphor, thrown in towards where I sat. Presently some 
one put a great vessel of smoking vinegar on the ground near 
me ; and then they all looked at me in silent horror as I ate 
and drank of what was brought for me. 1 knew at the time 
they had a horror of me, but I couldn’t help it. 

I was still eating and drinking, and a murmur of discussion 
had begun to arise respecting what was to be done with me 
next, when I heard a cracked voice somewhere in the ring say, 
“My name is Hawkyard, Mr. Verity Hawkyard, of West' 
Bromwich.” Then the ring split in one place ; and a yellow- 
faced, peak-nosed gentleman, clad all in iron-gray to his gaiters, 
pressed forward with a policeman and another official of some 
sort. He came forward close to the vessel of smoking vinegar ; 
from which he sprinkled himself carefully, and me copiously. 

“ He had a grandfather at Birmingham, this young boy, who 
is just dead too,” said Mr. Hawkyard. 

I turned my eyes upon the speaker, and said in a ravening 
manner, “ Where’s his houses ? ” 

“ Hah ! Horrible worldliness on the edge of the grave,” 
said Mr. Hawkyard, casting more of the yinegar over me, as if 
to get my devil out of me. “ I have undertaken a slight — a 
ve-ry slight — trust in behalf of this boy ; quite a voluntary 
trust ; a matter of mere honor, if not of mere sentiment ; still I 
have taken it upon myself, and it shall be (O yes, it shall be !) 
discharged.” 

The bystanders seemed to form an opinion of this gentleman 
much more favorable than their opinion of me. 

“ He shall be taught,” said Mr. Hawkyard, “ (O yes, he shall 
be taught !) but what is to be done with him for the present ? He 
may be infected. He may disseminate infection.” The ring 
widened considerably. “ What is to be done with him ? ” 

He held some talk with the two officials. I could distinguish 
no word save “ Farm-house.” There was another sound several 
times repeated, which was wholly meaningless in my ears then, 
but which I knew afterwards to be “ Hoghton Towers.” 

“Yes,” said Mr. Hawkyard. “ I think that sounds promis- 
ing ; I think that sounds hopeful. And he can be put by him- 
self in a ward, for a night or two, you say ? ” 

It seemed to be the police-officer who had said so ; for it 
was he who replied, Yes ! It was he, too, who finally took me 
by the arm, and walked me before him through the streets, into 
a whitewashed room in a bare building, where I had a chair to 
sit in, a table to sit at, an iron bedstead and good mattress to 


GEORGE SSL VERMAX’S EXRLAXA TIOX. 


6 73 


lie upon, and a rug and blanket to cover me. Where I had 
enough to eat, too, and was shown how to clean the tin porrin 
ger in which it was conveyed to me, until it was as good as a 
looking-glass. Here, likewise, I was put in a bath, and had 
new clothes brought to me; and my old rags were burnt, and 
I was camphored and vinegared and disinfected in a variety oh 
ways. 

When all this was done, — I don’t know in how many days 
or how few, but it matters not, — Mr. Hawkyard- stepped in at 
the door, remaining close to it, and said, “ Go and stand against 
the opposite wall, George Silverman. As far off’ as you can. 
That’ll do. How do you feel ? ” 

I told him that I didn't feel cold, and didn’t feel hungry, and 
didn’t feel thirsty. That was the whole round of human feel- 
ings, as far as I knew, except the pain of being beaten. 

“ Well,” said he, “you are going, George, to a healthy farm- 
house to be purified. Keep in the air there as much as you 
can. Live an out-of-door life there, until you are fetched away. 
You had better not say much — in fact, you had better be very 
careful not to say anything — about what your parents died of, 
or they might not like to take you in. Behave well, and I’ll 
put you to school ; O yes ! I’ll put you to school, though I am 
not obligated to do it. I am a servant of the Lord, George ; 
and I have been a good servant to him, I have, those five-and- 
thirty years. The Lord has had a good servant in me, and he 
knows it.” 

What I then supposed him to mean by this, I cannot imagine. 
As little do I know when I began to comprehend that he was a 
prominent member of some obscure denomination or congrega- 
tion, every member of which held forth to the rest when so in- 
clined, and among whom he w r as called Brother Hawkyard. It 
was enough for me to know, on that day in the ward, that the 
farmer’s cart was waiting for me at the street corner. I was 
not slow to get into it ; for it was the first ride I ever had in my 
life. 

It made me sleepy, and I slept. First, I stared at Preston 
streets as long as they lasted ; and, meanwhile, I may have had 
some small dumb wondering within me whereabouts our cellar 
was ; but I doubt it. Such a worldly little devil was I, that I 
took no thought who would bury father and mother, or where 
they would be buried, or when. The question whether the eat- 
ing and drinking by day, and the covering by night, would be 
as good at the farm-house as at the ward superseded those 
questions. 


674 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 


The jolting of the cart on a loose stony road awoke me ; and 
I found that we were mounting a steep hill, where the road was 
a rutty by-road through a field. And so, by fragments of an 
ancient terrace, and by some rugged out-buildings that had once 
been fortified, and passing under a ruined gateway we came to 
'the old farm-house in the thick stone wall outside the old quad- 
rangle of Hoghton Towers, which I looked at like a stupid sav- 
age, seeing no specialty in, seeing no antiquity in ; assuming all 
farm-houses to resemble it ; assigning the decay I noticed to 
the one potent cause of all ruin that I knew, — poverty ; eyeing 
the pigeons in their flights, the cattle in their stalls, the ducks 
in the pond, and the fowls pecking about the yard, with a 
hungry hope that plenty of them might be killed for dinner while 
I stayed there ; wondering whether the scrubbed dairy vessels, 
drying in the sunlight, could be goodly porringers out of which 
the master ’ ate his belly-filling food, and which he polished 
when he had done, according to my ward experience ; shrink- 
ingly doubtful whether the shadows, passing over that airy height 
on the bright spring day, were not something in the nature 
of frowns, — sordid, afraid, unadmiring, — a small brute to shud- 
der at. 

To that time I had never had the faintest impression of 
duty. I had had no knowledge whatever that there was any- 
thing lovely in this life. When I had occasionally slunk up the 
cellar-steps into the street, and glared in at shop windows, I had 
done so with no higher feelings than we may suppose to animate 
a mangy young dog or wolf-cub. It is equally the fact that I 
had never been alone, in the sense of holding unselfish con- 
verse with myself. I had been solitary often enough, but noth- 
ing better. 

Such was my condition when I sat down to my dinner that 
day, in the kitchen of the old farm-house. Such was my con- 
dition when I lay on my bed in the old farm-house that night, 
stretched out opposite the narrow mullioned window, in the cold 
light of the moon, like a young vampire. 


FIFTH CHAPTER. 

What do I know now of Hoghton Towers ? Very little ; 
for I have been gratefully unwilling to disturb my first impres- 
sions. A house, centuries old, on high ground a mile or so re- 


GEORGE SIL VERM AN'S EXPLANA TION. 


675 

moved from the road between Preston and Blackburn, where 
the first James of England, in his hurry to make money by 
making baronets, perhaps made some of those remunerative 
dignitaries. A house, centuries old, deserted and falling to 
pieces, its woods and gardens long since grass-land or ploughed 
up, the Rivers Ribble and Darwen glancing below it, and a 
vague haze of smoke, against which not even the supernatural 
prescience of the first Stuart could foresee a counterblast, hint- 
ing at steam-power, powerful in two distances. 

What did I know then of Hoghton Towers ? When I first 
peeped in at the gate of the lifeless quadrangle, and started from 
the mouldering statue becoming visible to me like its guardian 
ghost ; when I stole round by the back of the farm-house, and 
got in among the ancient rooms, many of them with their floors 
and ceilings falling, the beams and rafters hanging dangerously 
down, the plaster dropping as I trod, the oaken panels stripped 
away, the windows half walled up, half broken ; when I dis- 
covered a gallery commanding the old kitchen, and looked down 
between balustrades upon a massive old table and benches, 
fearing to see I know not what dead-alive creatures come in and 
seat themselves, and look up with I know not what dreadful 
eyes, or lack of eyes at me ; when all over the house I was 
awed by gaps and chinks where the sky stared sorrowfully at 
me, where the birds passed, and the ivy rustled, and the stains 
of winter weather blotched the rotten floors ; when down at the 
bottom of dark pits of staircase, into which the stairs had sunk, 
green leaves trembled, butterflies fluttered, and bees hummed 
in and out through the broken doorways ; when encircling the 
whole ruin were sweet scents, and sights of fresh green growth, 
and ever-renewing life, that I had never dreamed of, — I say, 
when I passed into such clouded perception of these things as 
my dark soul could compass, what did I know then of Hoghton 
Towers ? 

I have written that the sky stared sorrowfully at me. There- 
in have I anticipated the answer. I knew that all these things 
looked sorrowfully at me ; that they seemed to sigh or whisper, 
not without pity for me, “ Alas ! poor, worldly little devil ! ” 

There were two or three rats at the bottom of one of the 
smaller pits of broken staircase when I craned over and looked 
in. They were scuffling for some prey that was there ; and, 
when they started and hid themselves close together in the 
dark, I thought of the old life (it had grown old already) in the 
cellar. 

How not to be this worldly little devil ? how not to have a 

29 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION. 


676 

repugnance towards myself as I had towards the rats ? I hid 
in a corner of one of the smaller chambers frightened at myself, 
and crying (it was the first time I had ever cried for any cause 
not purely physical), and I tried to think about it. One of the 
farm-ploughs came into my range of view just then; and it 
seemed to help me as it went on with its two horses up and down 
the field so peacefully and quietly. 

There was a girl of about my own age in the farm-house 
family, and she sat opposite to me at the narrow table at meal- 
times. It had come into my mind, at our first dinner, that she 
might take the fever frojn me. The thought had not disquieted 
me then. I had only speculated how she would look under the 
altered circumstances, and whether she would die. But it came 
into my mind now, that I might try to prevent her taking the 
fever by keeping away from her. I knew I should have but 
scrambling board if l did ; so much the less worldly and less 
devilish the deed would be, I thought. 

From that hour I withdrew myself at early morning into 
secret corners of the ruined house, and remained hidden there 
until she went to bed. At first, when meals were ready, I used 
to hear them calling me ; and then my resolution weakened. 
But I strengthened it again, by going farther off into the ruin, 
and getting out of hearing. I often watched for her at the dim 
windows ; and when I saw that she was fresh and rosy, felt 
much happier. 

Out of this holding her in my thoughts, to the humanizing 
of myself, I suppose some childish love arose within me. I felt, 
in some sort, dignified by the pride of protecting her, — by the 
pride of making the sacrifice for her. As my heart swelled 
with that new feeling, it insensibly softened about mother and 
father. It seemed to have been frozen before, and now to be 
thawed. The old ruin and all the lovely things that haunted 
it were not sorrowful for me only, but sorrowful for mother and 
father as well. Therefore did I cry again, and often too. 

The farm-house family conceived me to be of a morose 
temper, and were very short with me ; though they never 
stinted me in such broken fare as was to be got out of regular 
hours. One night, when I lifted the kitchen latch at my usual 
time, Sylvia (that was her pretty name) had but just gone cut 
of the room. Seeing her ascending the opposite stairs, I stood 
still at the door. She had heard the clink of the latch, and 
looked round. 

“ George,” she called to me in a pleased voice, “ to-morrow 
is my birthday ; and we are to have a fiddler, and there’s a 


GEORGE SIL VERM AN \S EXPLANA TION. 677 

party of boys and girls coining in a cart, and we shall dance. 
I invite you. Be sociable for once, George.” 

“ I am very sorry, miss,” I answered ; “ but I — but, no ; I 
can’t come.” 

“ You are a disagreeable, ill-humored lad,” she returned dis- 
dainfully ; “ and I ought not to have asked you. I shall never 
speak to you again.” 

/ As I stood with my eyes fixed on the fire, after she was 
gone, I felt that the farmer bent his brows upon me. 

“ Eh, lad ! ” said he ; “ Sylvy’s right. You’re as moody and 
broody a lad as never I set eyes on yet.” 

I tried to assure him that I meant no harm ; but he only 
said coldly, “ Maybe not^maybe not ! There! get thy supper, 
get thy supper ; and then thou canst sulk to thy heart’s content 
again.” 

Ah ! if they could have seen me next day, in the ruin, 
watching for the arrival of the cart full of merry young guests ; 
if they could have seen me at night, gliding out from behind 
the ghostly statue, listening to the music and the fall of dancing 
feet, and watching the lighted farm-house windows from the 
quadrangle when all the ruin was dark ; if they could have read 
my heart, as I crept up to bed by the back way, comforting 
myself with the reflection, “ They will take no hurt from me,” 
— they would not have thought mine a morose or an unsocial 
nature. 

It was in these ways that I began to form a shy disposition ; 
to be of a timidly silent character under misconstruction ; to 
have an inexpressible, perhaps a morbid, dread of ever being 
sordid or worldly. It was in these ways that my nature came 
to shape itself to such a mould, even before it was affected 
by the influences of the studious and retired life of a poor 
scholar. 


SIXTH CHAPTER. 

Brother EIawkyard (as he insisted on my calling him) 
put me to school, and told me to work my way. “ You are all 
right, George,” he said. “ I have been the best servant the 
Lord has had in his service for this five-and-thirty year ; (0 
I have !) and he knows the value of such a servant as I have 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 


678 

been to him ; (0, yes, he does !) and he’ll prosper your school- 
ing as a part of my reward. That’s what he'll do, George. 
He’ll do it for me.” 

From the first I could not like this familiar knowledge of 
the ways of the sublime, inscrutable Almighty, on Brother 
Hawkyard’s part. As I grew a little wiser, and still a little 
wiser, I liked it less and less. His manner, too, of confirming 
himself in a parenthesis, — as if, knowing himself, he doubted 
his own word, — I found distasteful. I cannot tell how much 
these dislikes cost me; for I had a dread that they were 
worldly. 

As time went on, I became a Foundation-boy on a good 
foundation, and I cost Brother Ha\ykyard nothing. When I 
had worked my way so far, 1 worked yet harder, in the hope of 
ultimately getting a presentation to college and a fellowship. 
My health has never been strong (some vapor from the Preston 
cellar cleaves to me, I think) ; and what with much work and 
some weakness, I came again to be regarded — that is, by my 
fellow-students — as unsocial. 

All through my time as a foundation-boy, I was within a few 
miles of Brother Flawkyard’s congregation ; and whenever I 
' was what we called a leave-boy on a Sunday, I went over there 
at his desire. Before the knowledge became forced upon me 
that outside of their place of meeting these brothers and sisters 
were no better than the rest of the human family, but on the 
whole were, to put the case mildly, as bad as most, in respect 
of giving short weight in their shops, and not speaking the 
truth, — I say, before this knowledge became forced upon me, 
their prolix addresses, their inordinate conceit, their daring 
ignorance, their investment of the Supreme Ruler of heaven 
and earth with their own miserable meannesses and littlenesses, 
greatly shocked me. Still, as their term for the frame of mind 
that could not perceive them to be in an exalted state of grace 
was the “ worldly ” state, I did for a time suffer tortures under 
my inquiries of myself whether that young worldly-devilish spirit 
of mine could secretly be lingering at the bottom of my non- 
appreciation. 

Brother Hawkyard was the popular expounder in this as- 
sembly, and generally occupied the platform (there was a little 
platform with a table on it, in lieu of a pulpit) first on a Sun- 
day afternoon. He was by trade a drysalter. Brother Gimblet, 
an elderly man with a crabbed face, a large dog’s-eared shirt- 
collar, and a spotted blue neckerchief reaching up behind to 
the crown of his head, was also a drysalter, and an expounder. 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 679 

Brother Gimblet professed the greatest admiration for Brother 
Hawkyard, but (I had thought more than once) bore him a 
jealous grudge. 

Let whosoever may peruse these lines kindly take the pains 
here to read twice my solemn pledge, that what I write of the 
language and customs of the congregation in question I write 
scrupulously, literally, exactly, from the life and the truth. 

On the first Sunday after I had won what I had so long 
tried for, and when it was certain that I was going up to col- 
lege, Brother Hawkyard concluded a long exhortation thus : — 

“ Well, my friends and fellow-sinners, now I told you when 
I began, that I didn’t know a word of what I was going to say 
to you, (and no, I did not !) but that it was all one to me, be- 
cause I knew the Lord would put into my mouth the words I 
wanted.” 

(“ That’s it ! ” from Brother Gimblet.) 

“ And he did put into my mouth the words I wanted.” 

(“ So he did ! ” from Brother Gimblet.) 

“ And why ? ” 

(“ Ah, let’s have that !•” from brother Gimblet.) 

“ Because I have been his faithful servant for five-and-thirty 
years, and because he knows it. For five-and-thirty years ! 
And he knows it, mind you ! I got those words that I wanted, 
on account of my wages. I got ’em from the Lord, my fellow- 
sinners. Down ! I said, 6 Here’s a heap of wages due ; let 
us have something down, on account.’ And I got it down, and 
I paid it over to you ; and you won’t wrap it up in a napkin, 
nor yet in a towel, nor yet pocket-ankercher, but you’ll put it 
out at good interest. Very well. Now, my brothers and sisters 
and fellow-sinners, I am going to conclude with a question, and 
I’ll make it so plain (with the help of the Lord, after five-and- 
thirty years, I should rather hope !) as that the Devil shall not 
be able to confuse it in your heads, — which he would be over- 
joyed to do.” 

(“ Just his way. Crafty old blackguard ! ” from brother 
Gimblet.) 

“ And the question is this, Are the angels learned ? ” 

(“ Not they. Not a bit on it ! ” from brother Gimblet, with 
the greatest confidence.) 

“ Not they. And where’s the proof? sent ready-made by 
the hand of the Lord. Why, there’s one among us here now, 
that has got all the learning that can be crammed into him. I 
got him all the learning that could be crammed into him. His 
grandfather ” (this I had never heard before) “ was a brother 


68o 


GEORGE SILVERMAN 'S EXPLANATION. 


of ours. He was brother Parksop. That’s what he was. 
Parksop ; Brother Parksop. His worldly name was Parksop, 
and he was a brother of this brotherhood. Then wasn’t he 
Brother Parksop ? ” 

( a Must be. Couldn’t help hisself ! ” from Brothei Gimblet.) 

“ Well, he left that one now here present among us to the 
care of a brother-sinner of his, (and that brother-sinner, mind 
you, was a sinner of a bigger size in his time than any of you ; 
praise the Lord !) Brother Hawkyard. Me. I got him, with- 
out fee or reward, — without a morsel of myrrh, or frankincense, 
nor yet amber, letting alone the honeycomb, — all the learning 
that could be crammed into him. Has it brought him into our 
temple, in the spirit? No. Have we had any ignorant brothers 
and sisters that didn’t know round O from crooked S, come in 
among us meanwhile ? Many. Then the angels are //^/learned ; 
then they don’t so much as know their alphabet. And now my 
friends and fellow-sinners, having brought it to that, perhaps 
some brothers present — perhaps you, Brother Gimblet — will 
pray a bit for us ? ” 

Brother Gimblet undertook the sacred function, after having 
drawn his sleeve across his mouth, and muttered, “ Well ! I 
don’t know as I see my way to hitting any of you quite in the 
right place neither.” He said this with a dark smile, and then 
began to bellow. What we were specially to be preserved from, 
according to his solicitations, 'was, despoilment of the orphan, 
suppression of testamentary intentions on the part -of a father 
or (say) grandfather, appropriation of the orphan’s house- 
property, feigning to give in charity to the wronged one from 
whom we withheld his due ; and that class of sins. He ended 
with the petition, “ Give us peace ! ” which, speaking for myself, 
was very much needed after twenty minutes of his bellowing. 

Even though I had not seen him when he rose from his 
knees, steaming with perspiration, glance at Brother Hawkyard, 
and even though I had not heard Brother Hawkyard’s tone of 
congratulating him on the vigor with which he had roared, I 
should have detected a malicious application in this prayer. 
Unformed suspicions to a similar effect had sometimes passed 
through -my mind in my earlier school-days, and had always 
caused me great distress ; for they were worldly in their nature, 
and wide, very wide, of the spirit that had drawn me from Sylvia. 
They were sordid suspicions, without a shadow of proof. They 
were worthy to have originated in the unwholesome cellar. 
They were not only without proof, but against proof ; for was I 
not myself a living proof of what Brother Hawkyard had done ? 


GEORGE SIL VERM AIT'S EX PLANA TION. 68 1 

and without him, how should I ever have seen the sky look sor- 
rowfully down upon that wretched boy at Hoghton Towers ? 

Although the dread of a relapse into the stage of savage 
selfishness was less strong upon me as I approached manhood, 
and could act in an increased degree for myself, yet I was al- 
ways on my guard against any tendency to such relapse. After 
getting these suspicions under my feet, I had been troubled by 
not being able to like Brother Hawkyard’s manner, or his pro- 
fessed religion. So it came about, that, as I walked back that 
Sunday evening, I thought it would be an act of reparation for 
any such injury my struggling thoughts had unwillingly done 
him, if I wrote, and placed in his hands, before going to college, 
a full acknowledgment of his goodness to me, and an ample 
tribute of thanks. It might serve as an implied vindication of 
him against any dark scandal from a rival brother and ex- 
pounder, or from any other quarter. 

Accordingly, I wrote the document with much care. I may 
add with much feeling too ; for it affected me as I went on. 
Having no set studies to pursue, in the brief interval between 
leaving the Foundation and going to Cambridge, I determined 
to walk out to his place of business, and give it into his own 
hands. 

It was a winter afternoon, when I tapped at the door of his 
little counting-house, which was at the farther end of his long, 
low shop. As I did so (having entered by the back yard, where 
casks and boxes were taken in, and where there was the inscrip- 
tion, “ Private way to the counting-house ”), a shopman called 
to me from the counter that he was engaged. 

“ Brother Gimblet 57 (said the shopman, who was one of the 
brotherhood) “is with him.” 

I thought this all the better for my purpose, and made bold 
to tap again. They were talking in a low tone, and money was 
passing ; for I heard it being counted out. 

“ Who is it ? ” asked Brother Plawkyard sharply. 

“ George Silverman,” I answered, holding the door open. 
“ May I come in ? ” 

Both brothers seemed so astounded to see me that I felt 
shyer than usual. But they looked quite cadaverous in the 
early gaslight, and perhaps that accidental circumstance exag- 
gerated the expression of their faces. 

“ What is the matter ? ” asked Brother Hawkyard. 

“Ay! what is the matter? ” asked Brother Gimblet. 

“ Nothing at all,” I said, diffidently producing my document: 
“ I am only the bearer of a letter from myself.” 


68? GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 

“ From yourself, George?” cried Brother Hawkyard. 

“ And to you,” said I. 

“ And to me, George ? ” 

He turned paler, and opened it hurriedly ; but looking ovel 
it, and seeing generally what it was, became less hurried, re- 
covered his color, and said, “ Praise the Lord !” 

“ That’s it ! ” cried Brother Gimblet. “Well put ! Amen.” 

Brother Hawkyard then said, in a livelier strain, “ You 
must know, George, that Brother Gimblet and I are going to 
make our two businesses one. W T e are going into partnership. 
We are settling it now. Brother Gimblet is to take one clear 
half of the profits (O yes ! he shall have it ; he shall have it to 
the last farthing).” 

“ D. V. ! ” said Brother Gimblet, with his right fist firmly 
clinched on his right leg. 

“There is no objection,” pursued Brother Hawkyard, “to 
my reading this aloud, George ? ” 

As it was what I expressly desired should be done, after 
yesterday’s prayer, I more than readily begged him to read it 
aloud. He did so, and Brother Gimblet listened with a crabbed 
smile. 

“ It was in a good hour that I came here,” he said, wrink- 
ling up his eyes. “ It was in a good hour, likewise, that I was 
moved yesterday to depict for the terror of evil-doers a charac- 
ter the direct opposite of Brother Hawkyard’s. But it was the 
Lord that done it ; I felt him at it while I was perspiring.” 

After that it was proposed, by both of them, that I should 
attend the congregation once more before my final departure. 
What my shy reserve would undergo, from being expressly 
preached at and prayed at, I knew beforehand. But I reflected 
that it would be for the last time, and that it might add to the 
weight of my letter. It was well known to the brothers and 
sisters that there was no place taken for me in their paradise ; 
and if I showed this last token of deference to Brother Hawk- 
yard, notoriously in despite of my own sinful inclinations, it 
might go some little way in aid of my statement that he had 
been good to me, and that I was grateful to him. Merely stip- 
ulating, therefore, that no express endeavor should be made 
for my conversion, — which would involve the rolling of several 
brothers and sisters on the floor, declaring that they felt all 
their sins in a heap on their left side, weighing so many pounds 
avoirdupois, as I knew from what I had seen of those repulsive 
mysteries, — I promised. 

Since the reading of my letter, Brother Gimblet had been at 


GEORGE S/L VERM AN'S EX PLANA TION 683 

intervals wiping one eye with an end of his spotted blue neck- 
erchief, and grinning to himself. It was, however, a habit that 
brother had, to grin in an ugly manner^even when expounding. 
I call to mind a delighted snarl with which he used to detail 
from the platform the torments reserved for the wicked (mean- 
ing all human creation except the brotherhood), as being re* 
markably hideous. 

I left the two to settle their articles of partnership, and 
count money ; and I never saw them again but on the following 
Sunday. Brother Hawkyard died within two or three years, 
leaving all he possessed to Brother Gimblet, in virtue of a will 
dated (as I have been told) that very day. 

Now I was so far at rest with myself, when Sunday came, 
knowing that I had conquered my own mistrust, and righted 
Brother Hawkyard in the jaundiced vision of a rival, that I 
went, even to that coarse chapel, in a less sensitive state than 
usual. How could I foresee that the delicate, perhaps the dis- 
eased, corner of my mind, where I winced and shrunk when it 
• was touched, or was even approached, would be handled as the 
theme of the whole proceedings ? 

On this occasion it was assigned to Brother Hawkyard to 
pray, and to Brother Gimblet to preach. The prayer was to 
open the ceremonies ; the discourse was to come next. Broth- 
ers Hawkyard and Gimblet were both on the platform ; Brother 
Hawkyard on his kne^s at the table, unmusically ready to pray ; 
Brother Gimblet sitting against the wall, grinningly ready to 
preach. 

“ Let us offer up the sacrifice of prayer, my brothers and 
sisters and fellow-sinners.” Yes ! but it was I who was the 
sacrifice. It was our poor, sinful worldly-minded brother here 
present who was wrestled for. The now-opening career of this 
our unawakened brother might lead to his becoming a minister 
of what was called “ the church.” That was what he looked 
to. The church. Not the chapel, Lord. The church. No 
rectors, no vicars, no archdeacons, no bishops, no archbishops, 
in the chapel, but, O Lord ! many such in the church. Protect 
our sinful brother from his love of lucre. 'Cleanse from our 
unawakened brother’s breast his sin of worldly-mindedness. 
The prayer said infinitely more in words, but nothing more to 
any intelligible effect. 

Then Brother Gimblet came forward, and took (as I knew 
he would) the text, “My kingdom is not of this world.” Ah! 
but whose was, my fellow-sinners ? Whose ? Why, our broth- 
er’s here present was. The only kingdom he had an idea of 


68 4 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION. 


was of this world. (“ That’s it ! ” from several of the congre* 
gation.) What did the woman do when she lost the piece of 
money ? Went and looked for it. What should our brother do 
when he lost his way ? (“ Go and look for it,” from a sister.) 

Go and look for it, true. But must he look for it in the right 
direction, or in the wrong ? (“ In the right,” from a brother.) 

There spake the prophets ! He must look for it in the right 
direction, or he couldn’t find it. But he had turned his back 
upon the right direction, and he wouldn’t find it. Now, my 
fellow-sinners, to show you the difference betwixt worldly-mind- 
edness and unworldly-mindedness, betwixt kingdoms not of this 
world and kingdoms of this world, here was a letter wrote by 
even our worldly-minded brother unto Brother Hawkyard. 
Judge, from hearing of it read, whether Brother Hawkyard was 
the faithful steward that the Lord had in. his mind only t’other 
day, when, in this very place, he drew you the picter of the 
unfaithful one ; for it was him that done it, not me. Don’t 
doubt that ! 

Brother Gimblet then groaned and bellowed his way through 
my composition and subsequently through an hour. The ser- 
vice closed with a hymn, in which the brothers unanimously 
roared, and the sisters unanimously shrieked at me, That I by 
wiles of worldly gain was mocked, and they on waters of sweet 
love were rocked ; that I with mammon struggled in the dark, 
while they were floating in a second ark. 

I went out from all this with an aching heart and a weary 
spirit ; not because I was quite so weak as to consider these 
narrow creatures interpreters of the Divine Majesty and Wis- 
dom ; but because I was weak enough to feel as though it were 
my hard fortune to be misrepresented and misunderstood when 
I most tried to subdue any risings of mere worldliness within 
me, and when I most hoped, that, by dint of trying earnestly, 
I had succeeded. 


SEVENTH CHAPTER. 

My timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a se- 
cluded life at college, and to be little known. No relative ever 
came to visit me. for I had no relative. No intimate friends 
broke in upon my studies, for I made no intimate friends. I 
supported myself on my scholarship, and read much. My cob 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 685 

lege time was otherwise not so very different from my time at 
Hoghton Towers. 

Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of social ex- 
istence, but believing myself qualified to do my duty in a mod- 
erate, though earnest way, if I could obtain some small prefer- 
ment in the Church, I applied my mind to the clerical profession. 
In due sequence I took orders, was ordained, and began to look 
about me for employment. I must qbserve that I had taken a 
good degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good fellow- 
ship, and that my means were ample for my retired way of life. 
By this time I had read with several young men ; and the oc- 
cupation increased my income, while it was highly interesting 
to me. I once accidentally overheard our greatest don say to 
my boundless joy, “ That he heard it reported of Silverman 
that his gift of quiet explanation, his patience, his amiable tem- 
per, and his conscientiousness made him the best of coaches. ” 
May my “gift of quiet explanation” come more seasonably 
and powerfully to my aid in this present explanation than I 
think it will ! 

It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my 
college rooms (in a corner where the daylight was sobered), 
but it is in a much larger degree referable to the state of my own 
mind, that I seem to myself, on looking back to this time of my 
life, to have been always in the peaceful shade. 1 can see 
others in the sunlight ; I can see our boats’ crews and our 
athletic young men on the glistening water, or speckled with 
the moving lights of sunlit leaves ; but I myself am always in 
the shadow looking on. Not unsympathetically, — God for- 
bid ! — but looking on alone, much as I looked at Sylvia from 
the shadows of the ruined hous6, or looked at the red gleam 
shining through the farmer’s windows, and listened to the fall 
of dancing feet, when all the ruin was dark that night in the 
quadrangle. 

I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of 
myself above given. Without such reason, to repeat it would 
have been mere boastfulness. 

Among those who had read with me was Mr. Fareway, 
second son of Lady Fareway, widow of Sir Gaston Fare way, 
baronet. This young gentleman’s abilities were much above 
the average ; but he came of a rich family, and was idle and 
luxurious. He presented himself to me too late, and afterwards 
came to me too irregularly, to admit of my being of much ser- 
vice to him. In the end, I considered it my duty to dissuade 
him from going up for an examination which he could never 


686 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION 


pass ; and he left college without a degree. After his depart- 
ure, Lady Fare way wrote to me, representing the justice of my 
returning half my fee, as I had been of so little use to her son. 
Within my knowledge a similar demand had not been made in 
any other case ; and I most freely admit that the justice of it 
had not occurred to me until it was pointed out. But I at once 
perceived it, yielded to it, and returned the money. 

Mr. Fare way had beei\ gone two years or more, and I had 
forgotten him, when he one day walked into my rooms as I was 
sitting at my books. 

Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, “ Mr. Silver- 
man, my mother is in town here, at the hotel, and wishes me 
to present you to her.” 

I was not comfortable with strangers, and I daresay I be- 
trayed that I was a little nervous or unwilling. “For,” said he, 
without my having spoken, “ I think the interview may tend to 
the advancement of your prospects.” 

It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by 
a worldly reason, and I rose immediately. 

Said Mr. Fare way, as we went along, “ Are you a good 
hand at business ? ” 

“ I think not,” said I. 

Said Mr. Fareway then, “ My mother is.” 

“ Truly ? ” said I. 

“Yes ; my mother is what is usually called a managing 
woman. Doesn’t make a bad thing, for instance, even out of 
the spendthrift habits of my eldest brother abroad. In short, 
a managing woman. This is in confidence.” 

He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was sur- 
prised by his doing so. I said I should respect his confidence, 
of course, and said no more on the delicate subject. We had 
but a little way to walk, and I was soon in his mother’s com- 
pany. He presented me, shook hands with me, and left us 
two (as he said) to business. 

I saw in my Lady Fareway a handsome, well-preserved lady 
•of somewhat large stature, with a steady glare in her great 
round dark eyes that embarrassed me. 

Said my lady, “ I have heard from my son, Mr. Silverman, 
that you would be glad of some preferment in the Church.” 

I gave my lady to understand that was so. 

“ I don’t know whether you are aware,” my lady proceeded, 
“ that we have a presentation to a living ? I say we have ; but, 
in point of fact, /have.” 

I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of 
this. 


GEORGE SJL VERMAjV’S EXPLAN A TION. 68 7 

Said my lady, “ Sb it is ; indeed, I have two presentations, 

* — one to. two hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in 
our county, — North Devonshire, — as you probably know. The 
first is vacant. Would you like it ? ” 

What with my lady’s eyes, and what with the suddenness of 
this proposed gift, I was much confused. 

“ I am sorry it is not the larger presentation,” said my lady, 
rather coldly ; “ though I will not, Mr. Silverman, pay you the 
bad compliment of supposing that you are, because that would 
be mercenary, — and mercenary I am persuaded you are not.” 

Said I r with my utmost earnestness, “Thank you, Lady 
Fareway, thank you, thank you ! I should be deeply hurt if I 
thought I bore the character.” 

“Naturally,” said my lady. “Always detestable, but par- 
ticularly in a clergyman. You have not said whether you will 
like the living ? ” 

With apologies for my remissness or indistinctness, I assured 
my lady that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added 
that I hoped she would not estimate my appreciation of the 
generosity of her choice by my flow of words ; for I was not a 
ready man in that respect when taken by surprise or touched 
at heart. 

“ The affair is concluded,” said my lady ; “ concluded. 
You will find the duties very light, Mr. Silverman. Charming 
house ; charming little garden, orchard, and all that. You will 
be able to take pupils. By the bye ! No : I will return to the 
word afterwards. What was I going to mention, when it put 
me out ? ” 

My lady stared at me, as if I knew. And I didn’t know. 
And that perplexed me afresh. 

Said my lady, after some consideration, “ O, of course ! 
How yery dull of me ! The last incumbent, — least mercenary 
man I ever saw, — in consideration of the duties being so light 
and the house so delicious, couldn’t rest, he said, unless I per- 
mitted him to help me with my correspondence, accounts, and 
various- little things of that kind ; nothing in themselves, but 
which it worries a lady to cope with. Would Mr. Silverman 
also like to — Or shall I — ” 

I hastened to say that my poor help would be always at her 
ladyship’s service. 

“ I am absolutely blessed,” said my lady, casting up her 
eyes (and so taking them off of me for one moment), “ in having 
to do with gentlemen who cannot endure an approach to the 
idea of being mercenary ! ” She shivered at the word.* “ And 
now as to the pupil.” 


688 GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION. 

X The ? ” — I was quite at a loss. 

“ Mr. Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is,” 
said my lady, laying her touch upon my coat-sleeve, “ I do 
verily believe, the most extraordinary girl in this world. Already 
knows more Greek and Latin than Lady Jane Grey. And 
taught herself ! Has not yet, remember, derived a moment’s 
advantage from Mr. Silverman’s classical acquirements. To 
say nothing of mathematics, which she is bent upon becoming 
versed in, and in which (as I hear from my son and others) Mr. 
Silverman’s reputation is so deservedly high ! ” 

Under my lady’s eyes, I must have lost the clew, I felt per- 
suaded ; and yet I did not know where I could have dropped it. 

“ Adelina,” said my lady, “ is my only daughter. If I did 
not feel quite convinced that I am not blinded by a mother’s 
partiality ; unless I was absolutely sure that when you know 
her, Mr. Silverman, you will esteem it a high and unusual 
privilege to direct her studies, — I should introduce a mercenary 
element into this conversation, and ask you on what terms — ” 
I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I 
was troubled, and did me the honor to comply with my request. 


EIGHTH CHAPTER. 

Everything in mental acquisition that her brother might 
have been, if he would, and everything in all gracious charms 
and admirable qualities that no one but herself could be, — this 
was Adelina. 

I will not expatiate upon her beauty ; I will not expatiate 
upon her intelligence, her quickness of perception, her powers 
of memory, her sweet consideration, from the first moment, for 
the slow-paced tutor w 7 ho ministered to her wonderful gifts. I 
was thirty then ; I am over sixty now ; she is ever present to 
me in these hours as she was in those, bright and beautiful and 
young, wise and fanciful and good. 

When I discovered that I loved her, how can I say ? In 
the first day ? in the first week ? in the first month ? Impossi- 
ble to trace. If I be (as I am) unable to represent to myself 
any previous period of my life as quite separable from her at- 
tracting power, how can I answer for this one detail ? 

Whensoever I made the discovery, it laid 'a heavy burden 
on me. And y^t, comparing it with the far heavier burden that 


GEORGE S/L VER MAN’S EXPLANA TION 689 

I afterwards took up, it does not seem to m<?now to have been 
very hard to bear. In the knowledge that I did love her, and 
that I should love her while my life lasted, and that I was ever 
to hide my secret deep in my own breast, and she was never to 
find it, there was a kind of sustaining joy or pride or comfort 
mingled with my pain. 

But later on, — say a year later on, — when I made another 
discovery, then indeed my suffering and my struggle were strong. 
That other discovery was — 

These words will never see the light, if ever, until my heart 
is dust : until her bright spirit has returned to the regions of 
which, when imprisoned here, it surely retained some unusual 
glimpse of remembrance ; until all the pulses that ever beat 
around us shall have long been quiet ; until all the fruits of all 
the tiny victories and defeats achieved in our little breasts shall 
have withered away. That discovery was, that she loved me. 

She may have enhanced ray knowledge, and loved me for 
that ; she may have overvalued my discharge of duty to her, 
and loved me for that ; she may have refined upon a playful 
compassion which she would sometimes show for what she 
called my want of wisdom, according to the light of the world’s 
dark lantern, and loved me for that ; she may — she must — have 
confused the borrowed light of what I had only learned, with 
its brightness in its pure, original rays ; but she loved me at 
that time, and she made me know it. 

Pride of family and pride of wealth put me as far off from 
her in my lady’s eyes as if I had been some domesticated crea- 
ture of another kind. But they could not put me farther from 
her than I put myself when I set my merits against hers. More 
than that. They could not put me, by millions of fathoms, 
half so low beneath her as I put myself when in imagination I 
took advantage of her noble trustfulness, took the fortune that 
I knew she must possess in her own right, and left her to find 
herself, in the zenith of her beauty and genius, bound to poor, 
rusty, plodding me. 

No ! Worldliness should not enter here, at any cost. If I 
had tried to keep it out of other ground, how much harder was 
I bound to try to keep it from this sacred place 1 

But there was something daring in her broad, generous char- 
acter, that demanded at so delicate a crisis to be delicately and 
patiently addressed. After many and many a bitter night (O, 
I found I could cry for reasons not purely physical, at this pass 
of my life !) I took my course. 

My lady had, in our first interview, unconsciously overstated 


690 GRQRGE SIL VERM AN'S EXPLAN A TION 

the accommodation of my pretty house. There was room in it 
for only one pupil. He was a young gentleman near coming 
of age, very well connected, but what is called a poor relation. 
His parents were dead. The charges of his living and reading 
with me were defrayed by an uncle ; and he and I were to do 
our utmost together for three years towards qualifying him to 
(make his way. At this time he had entered into his second 
year with me. He was well-looking, clever, energetic, enthu- 
siastic, bold ; in the best sense of the term, a thorough young 
Anglo-Saxon. 

I resolved to bring these two together. 


NINTH CHAPTER. 

Said I, one night, when I had conquered myself, “ Mr. 
Granville,” — Mr. Granville Wharton his name was, — “ I doubt 
if you have ever yet so much as seen Miss Fareway.” 

“ Well, sir,” returned he, laughing, “you see her so much 
yourself, that you hardly give another fellow a chance of seeing 
her.” 

“ I am her tutor, you know,” said I. 

And there the subject dropped for that time. But I so con- 
trived as that they should come together shortly afterwards. I 
had previously so contrived as to keep them asunder ; for while 
I loved her, — I mean before I had determined on my sacrifice, 
- — a lurking jealousy of Mr. Granville lay within my unworthy 
breast. 

It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fare way Park; 
but they talked easily together for some time ; like takes to 
like, and they had many points of resemblance. Said Mr. 
Granville to me, when he and I sat at our supper that night, 
“Miss Fareway is remarkably beautiful, sir, remarkably engag- 
ing. Don’t you think so ? ” “I think so,” said I. And I stole 
a glance at him, and saw that he had reddened and was thought- 
ful. I remember it most vividly, because the mixed feeling of 
grave pleasure and acute pain that the slight circumstance 
caused me was the first of a long, long series of such mixed 
impressions under which my hair turned slowly gray. 

I had not much need to feign to be subdued ; but I counter- 
feited to be older than I was in all resnects (Heaven knows 1 


GEORGE SIL VERM AN'S EX PLANA TION. 69 1 

my heart being all too young the while), and feigned to be more 
of a recluse and bookworm than I had really become, and 
gradually set up more and more of a fatherly manner towards 
Adelina. Likewise I made my tuition less imaginative than 
before ; separated myself from my poets and philosophers ; 
was careful to present them in their own light, and me, their 
lowly servant, in my own shade. Moreover in the matter of 
apparel I was equally mindful : not that I had ever been dap- 
per that way ; but that I was slovenly now. 

As I depressed myself with one hand, so did I labor to 
raise Mr. Granville with the other ; directing his attention to 
such subjects as I too well knew most interested her, and fash- 
ioning him (do not deride or misconstrue the expression, un- 
known reader of this writing ; for I have suffered !) into a 
greater resemblance to myself in my solitary one strong aspect. 
And gradually, gradually, as I saw him take more and more to 
these thrown-out lures of mine, then did I come to know better 
and better that love was drawing him on, and was drawing her 
from me. ^ 

So passed more than another year ; every day a year in its 
number of my mixed impressions of grave pleasure and acute 
pain ; and then these two, being of age and free to act legally 
for themselves, came before me hand in hand (my hair being now 
quite white), and entreated me that I would unite them to- 
gether. “ And indeed, dear tutor,” said Adelina, “ it is but 
consistent in you that you should do this thing for us, seeing 
that we should never have spoken together that first time but 
for you, and that but for you we could never have met so often 
afterwards.” The whole of which was literally true ; for I had 
availed myselr of my many business attendances on, and con- 
ferences with, my lady, to take Mr. Granville to the house, and 
leave him in the outer room with Adelina. 

I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for her 
daughter, or to any marriage that was other than an exchange' 
of her for stipulated lands, goods, and moneys. But looking 
on the two, and seeing with full eyes that they were both young 
and beautiful ; and knowing that they were alike in the tastes 
and acquirements that will outlive youth and beauty ; and con- 
sidering that Adelina had a fortune now, in her own keeping ; 
and considering further that Mr. Granville, though for the pres- 
ent poor, was of a good family that had never lived in a cellar 
in Preston; and believing that their love would endure, neither 
having any great discrepancy to find out in the other, — I told 
them of my readiness to do this thing which Adelina asked of 


GEORGE SILVERMAN'S EXPLANATION. 


692 

her dear tutor, and to send them forth husband and wife, into 
the shining world with golden gates that awaited them. 

It was on a summer morning, that I rose before the sun to 
compose myself for the crowning of my work with this end ; 
and my dwelling being near to the sea, I walked down to the 
rocks on the shore, in order that I might behold the sun rise in 
his majesty. 

The tranquillity upon the deep and on the firmament, the 
orderly withdrawal of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, 
the rosy suffusion of the sky and waters, the ineffable splendor 
that then burst forth, attuned my mind afresh after the discords 
of the night. Methought that all I looked on said to me, and 
that all I heard in the sea and in the air said to me, “ Be com- 
forted, mortal, that thy life is so short. Our preparation for 
what is to follow has endured, and shall endure, for unimag- 
inable ages.” 

I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I 
placed it on their hands clasped together ; but the words with 
which I had to accompany the action I could say without falter- 
ing, and I was at peace. 

They being well away from my house and from the place 
after our simple breakfast, the time was come when I must do 
what I had pledged myself to them that I would do, — break the 
intelligence to my lady. 

I went up to the house, and found my lady in her ordinary 
business-room. She happened to have an unusual amount of 
commissions to intrust to me that day, and she had filled my 
hands with papers before I could originate a word. 

“My lady,” I then began, as I stood beside her table. 

“ Why, what’s the matter ? ” she said quickly, looking up. 

“ Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have pre- 
pared yourself, and considered a little.” 

“ Prepared myself ; and considered a little ! You appear to 
have prepared yourself but indifferently, any how, Mr. Silver- 
man.” This mighty scornfully, as I experienced my usual em- 
barrassment under her stare. 

Said I, in self-extenuation once for all, “Lady Fareway, I 
have but to say for myself that I have tried to do my duty.” 

“For yourself?” repeated my lady. “Then there are 
others concerned, I see. Who are they ? ” 

I was about to answer, when she made towards the bell with 
a dart that stopped me, and said, “ Why, where is Adelina ? ” 

“ Forbear ! be calm, my lady. I married her this morning 
to Mr. Granville Wharton,” 


GEORGE S/E VERM AN 'S EXPLANA TION. 693 

She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, 
raised her right hand, and smote me hard upon the cheek. 

u Give me back those papers ! give me back those papers ! ” 
She tore them out of my hands, and tossed them on her table. 
Then seating herself defiantly in her great chair, and folding 
her arms, she stabbed me to the heart with the unlooked-for re- 
proach, “ You worldly wretch ! ” 

“ Worldly ? ” I cried. “ Worldly ? ” 

“ This, if you please,” she went on with supreme scorn, point- 
ing me out, as if there was some one there to see, — “ this, if you 
please, is the disinterested scholar, with not a design beyond 
his books ! This, if you please, is the simple creature whom 
any one could overreach in a bargain ! This, if you please, is 
Mr. Silverman ! Not of this world ; not he ! He has too much 
simplicity for this world’s cunning. He has too much single- 
ness of purpose to be a match for this world’s double-dealing. 
What did he give you for it ? ” 

“ For what ? And who ? ” 

“ How much,” she asked, bending forward in her great 
chair, and insultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on 
the palm of her left, — “ how much does Mr. Granville Wharton 
pay you for getting him Adelina’s money ? What is the amount 
of your percentage upon Adelina’s fortune ? What were the 
terms of the agreement that you proposed to this boy when you, 
the Rev. George Silverman, licensed to marry, engaged to put 
him in possession of this girl ? You made good terms for your- 
self, whatever they were. He would stand a poor chance 
against your keenness.” 

Bewildered, horrified, stunned by this cruel perversion, I 
could not speak. But I trust that I looked innocent, being so. 

“ Listen to me, shrewd hypocrite,” said my lady, whose 
anger increased as she gave it utterance ; “ attend to my words, 
you cunning schemer, who have carried this plot through with 
such a practised double face that I have never suspected you. 
I had my projects for my daughter ; projects for family connec- 
tion ; projects for fortune. You have thwarted them, and over- 
reached me ; but I am not one to be thwarted and overreached 
without retaliation. Do you mean to hold this living another 
month ? ” 

“ Do you deem it possible, Lady Fareway, that I can hold it 
another hour, under your injurious words ? ” 

“ Is it resigned, then ? ” 

“ It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago.’' 

“ Don’t equivocate, sir. Is it resigned ? ” 


GEORGE SIL VERM AN'S EXPLANA T10N. 


694 

“ Unconditionally and entirely ; and I would that I had 
never, never come near it ! ” 

“A cordial response from me to that wish, Mr. Silverman ! 
But take this with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would 
have had you deprived of it. And though you have resigned 
it, you will not get quit of me as easily as you think for. I will 
pursue you with this story. I will make this nefarious com 
s piracy of yours, for money, known. You have made money by 
ip but you have at the same time made an enemy by it. You 
will take good care that the money sticks to you ; I will take 
good care that the enemy sticks to you.” 

Then said I finally, “ Lady Fare way, I think my heart is 
broken. Until I came into this room just now, the possibility 
of such mean wickedness as you have imputed to me never 
dawned upon my thoughts. Your suspicions ”- — 

“ Suspicions ! Pah ! ” said she, indignantly. “ Certainties.” 

“Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your sus- 
picions, as I call them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid of 
foundation in fact. I can declare no more ; except that I have 
not acted for my own profit or my own pleasure. I have not in 
this proceeding considered myself. Once again, I think my 
heart is broken. If I have unwittingly done any wrong with a 
righteous motive, that is some penalty to pay.” 

She received this with another and a more indignant “ Pah ! ” 
and I made my way out of her room (I think I felt my way out 
with my hands, although my eyes were open), almost suspecting 
that my voice had a repulsive sound, and that I was a repul- 
sive object. 

There was a great stir made, the bishop was appealed to, I 
received a severe reprimand, and narrowly escaped suspension. 
For years a cloud hung over me, and my name was tarnished. 
But my heart did not break, if a broken heart involves death ; 
for I lived through it. 

They stood by me, Adelina and her husband, through it all. 
Those who had known me at college, and even most of those 
who had only known me there by reputation, stood by me too. 
Little by little, the belief widened that I was not capable of 
what was laid to my charge. At length I was presented to a 
college-living in a sequestered place, and there I now pen my 
explanation. I pen it at my open window in the summer-time, 
before me lying, in the churchyard, equal resting-place for 
sound hearts, wounded hearts, and broken hearts. I pen it for 
the relief of my own mind, not foreseeing whether or no it will 
ever have a reader. 


THE 


WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 

[1856.] 


THE WRECK. 

I was apprenticed to the Sea when I was twelve years old, 
and I have encountered a great deal of rough weather, both 
literal and metaphorical. It has always been my opinion since 
I first possessed such a thing as an opinion, that the man who 
knows only one subject is next tiresome to the man who knows 
no subject. Therefore, in the course of my life I have taught 
myself whatever I could, and although I am not an educated 
man, I am able, I am thankful to say, to have an intelligent in- 
terest in most things. 

A person might suppose, from reading the above, that I am 
in the habit of holding forth about number one. That is not 
the case. Just as if I was to come into a room among strangers, 
and must either be introduced or introduce myself, so I have 
taken the liberty of passing these few remarks, simply and 
plainly that it may be known who and what I am. I will add 
no more of the sort than that my name is William George Rav- 
ender, that I was born at Penrith half a year after my own 
father was drowned, and that I am on the second day of this 
present blessed Christmas week of one thousand eight hundred 
and fifty-six, fifty-six years of age. 

When the rum£>r first went flying up and down that there 
was gold in California — which, as most people know, was before 
it was discovered in the British colony of Australia — I was in 
the West Indies, trading among the Islands. Being in com- 
mand and likewise part-owner of a smart schooner, I had my 

( 695 ) 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


696 

work cut out for me, and I was doing it. Consequently, gold 
in California was no business of mine. 

But, by the time when I came home to England again, the 
thing was as clear as your hand held up before you at noon-day. 
There was' Californian gold in the museums and in the gold- 
smiths’ shops, and the very first time I went upon ’Change, I 
met a friend of mine (a seafaring man like myself), with a Cali- 
fornian nugget hanging to his watch-chain. I handled it. It 
was as like a peeled walnut, with bits unevenly broken off here 
and there, and then electrotyped all over, as ever I saw any- 
thing in my life. 

I am a single man (she was too good for this world and for 
me, and she died six weeks before our marriage-day), so when 
I am ashore, I live in my house at Poplar. My house at Poplar 
is taken care of and kept ship-shape by an old lady who was my 
mother’s maid before I was born. She is as handsome and as 
upright as any old lady in the world. She is as fond of me as 
if she had ever had an only son, and I was he. Well do I know 
wherever I sail that she never lays down her head at night with- 
out having said, “ Merciful Lord ! bless and preserve William 
George Ravender, and send him safe home, through Christ our 
Saviour ! ” I have thought of it in many a dangerous moment, 
when it has done me no harm, I am sure. 

In my house at Poplar, along with this old lady, I lived 
quiet for best part of a year ; having had a long spell of it 
among the Islands, and having (which was very uncommon in 
me) taken the fever rather badly. At last, being strong and 
hearty, and having read every book I could lay hold of, right 
out, I was walking down Leadenhall Street in the City of Lon- 
don, thinking of turning-to again, when I met what I call 
Smithick and Watersby of Liverpool. I chanced to lift up my 
eyes from looking in at a ship’s chronometer in a window, and 
I saw him bearing down upon me, head on. 

It is, personally, neither Smithick, nor Watersby, that I here 
mention, nor was I ever acquainted with any man of either of 
those names, nor do I think that there has been any one of 
either of those names in that Liverpool House for years back. 
But, it is in reality the House itself that I refer to ; and a wiser 
merchant or a truer gentleman never stepped. 

“ My dear Captain Ravender,” says he. t “ Of all the men 
on earth, I wanted to see you most. I was on my way to 
you.” 

“ Well ! ” says I. “ That looks as if you were to see me, 
don’t it ? ” With that 1 put my arm in his, and we walked on 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY . 697 

towards the Royal Exchange, and when we got there, walked 
up and down at the back of it where the Clock-Tower is. We 
walked an hour or more, for he had much to say to me. He 
had a scheme for chartering a new ship of their own to take 
out cargo to the diggers and emigrants in California, and to 
buy and bring back gold. Into the particulars of that scheme 
I will not enter, and I have no right to enter. All I say of it 
1 is, that it was a very original one, a very fine one, a very sound 
one, and a very lucrative one, beyond doubt. 

He imparted it to me as freely as if I had been part of him- 
self. After doing so, he made me the handsomest sharing offer 
that ever was made to me, boy or man — or I believe to any 
other captain in the Merchant Navy — and he took this round 
turn to finish with : 

“ Ravender, you are well aware that the lawlessness of that 
coast and country at present, is as special as the circumstances 
in which it is placed. Crews of vessels outward-bound, desert 
as soon as they make the land ; crews of vessels homeward- 
bound, ship at enormous wages, with the express intention of 
murdering the captain and seizing the gold freight ; no man can 
trust another, and the devil seems let loose. Now,” says he, 
“ you know my opinion of you, and you know I am only express- 
ing it, and with no singularity, when I tell you that you are 
almost the only man on whose integrity, discretion, and en- 
ergy — ” etc., etc. For, I don’t want to repeat what he said, 
though I was and am sensible of it. 

Notwithstanding my being, as I have mentioned, quite ready 
for a voyage, still I had some doubts of this voyage. Of course 
I knew, without being told, that there were peculiar difficulties 
and dangers in it, a long way over and above those which attend 
all voyages. It must not be supposed that I was afraid to face 
them ; but in my opinion a man has no manly motive or sus- 
tainment in his own breast for facing dangers, unless he has well 
considered what they are, and is able quietly to say to himself, 
“ None of these perils can now take me by surprise ; I shall 
know what to do for the best in any of them ; all the rest lies 
in the higher and greater hands to which I humbly commit 
myself.” On this principle I have so attentively considered 
(regarding it as my duty) all the hazards I have ever been able 
to think of, in the ordinary way of storm, shipwreck, and fire 
at sea, that I hope I should be prepared to do, in any of those 
cases, whatever could be done, to save the lives intrusted to 
my charge. 

As I was thoughtful, my good friend proposed that he 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


698 

should leave me to walk there as long as I liked, and that I 
should dine with him by and by at his club in Pall Mall. I 
accepted the invitation, and I walked up and down there, 
quarter-deck fashion, a matter of a couple of hours ; now and 
then looking up at the weathercock as I might have looked up 
aloft ; and now and then taking a look into Cornhill, as I might 
have taken a look over the side. 

All dinner-time, and all after-dinner-time, we talked it over 
again. I gave him my views of his plan, and he very much 
approved of the same. I told him I had nearly decided, but 
not quite. “Well, well,” says he, “come down to Liverpool 
to-morrow with me, and see the Golden Mary.” I liked the 
name (her name was Mary, and she was golden, if golden 
stands for good), so I began to feel that it was almost done 
when I said I would go to Liverpool. On the next morning 
but one we were on board the Golden Mary. I might have 
known, from his asking me to come down and see her, what 
she was. I declare her to have been the completest and most 
exquisite Beauty that ever I set my eyes upon. 

We had inspected every timber in her, and had come back 
to the gangway to go ashore from the dock-basin, when I put 
out my hand to my friend. “Touch upon it,” says I, “and 
touch heartily. I take command of this ship, and I am hers 
and yours, if I can get John Steadiman for my chief mate.” 

John Steadiman had sailed with me four voyages. The 
first voyage J ohn was third mate out to China, and came home 
second. The other three voyages he was my first officer. At 
this time of chartering the Golden Mary, he was aged thirty-two. 
A brisk, bright, blue-eyed fellow, a very neat figure and rather 
under the middle size, never out of the way and never in it, a 
face that pleased everybody and all the children took to, a 
habit of going about singing as cheerily as a blackbird, and a 
perfect sailor. 

We were in one of those Liverpool hackney-coaches in less 
than a minute, and we cruised about in her upwards of three 
hours, looking for John. John had come home from Van Die- 
men’s Land barely a month before, and I had heard of him as 
taking a frisk in Liverpool. We asked after him, among many 
other places, at the two boarding.houses he was fondest of, and 
we found he had had a week’s spell at each of them ; but, he 
had gone here and gone there, and had set off “ to lay out on 
the main-to’-gallant-yard of the highest Welshmountain ” (so he 
had told the people of the house), and where he might be then, 
or when he might come back nobody could tell us. But it was 


THE WRECK OP THE GOLDEN MARY. 


699 

surprising, to be sure, to see how every face brightened the 
moment there was mention made of the name of Mr. Steadi- 
man. 

We were taken aback at meeting with no better luck, and 
we had wore ship and put her head for my friends, when as we 
were jogging through the streets, I clap my eyes on John him- 
self coming out of a toyshop ! He was carrying a little boy, 
and conducting two uncommon pretty women to their coach, 
and he told me afterwards that he had never in his life seen 
one of the three before, but that he was so taken with them on 
looking in at the toyshop while they were buying the child a 
cranky Noah’s Ark, very much down by the head, that he had 
gone in and asked the ladies’ permission to treat him to a toler 
ably correct Cutter there was in the window, in order that such 
a handsome boy might not grow up with a lubberly idea of 
naval architecture. 

We stood off and on until the ladies’ coachman began to 
give way, and then we hailed John. On his coming aboard of 
us, I told him, very gravely, what I had said to my friend. It 
struck him, as he said himself, amidships. He was quite shaken 
by it. “ Captain Ravender,” were John Steadiman’s words, 
“ such an opinion from you is true commendation, and I’ll sail 
round the world with you for twenty years if you hoist the 
signal, and stand by you forever ! ” And now indeed I felt 
that it was done, and that the Golden Mary was afloat. 

Grass never grew yet under the feet of Smithick and Waters- 
by. The riggers were out of that ship in a fortnight’s time, and 
we had begun taking in cargo. John was always aboard, seeing 
everything stowed with his own eyes ; and whenever I went 
aboard myself early or late, whether he was below in the hold, 
or on deck at the hatchway, or overhauling his cabin, nailing 
up pictures in it of the Blue Roses of England, the Blue Bells 
of Scotland, and the female Shamrock of Ireland : of a cer- 
tainty I heard John singing like a blackbird. 

We had room for twenty passengers. Our sailing advertise- 
ment was no sooner out, then we might have taken these 
twenty times over. In entering our men, I and John (both to- 
gether) picked them, and we entered none but good hands — a . 
good as were to be found in that port. And so, in a good ship 
of the best build, well owned, well arranged, well officered, wel l 
manned, well found in all respects, we parted with our pilot at 
a quarter past four o’clock in ? the afternoon of the seventh of 
March one thousand eight hundred and fifty-one, and stood 
with a fair wind out to sea. 


700 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


It may be easily believed that up to that time I had had no 
leisure to be intimate with my passengers. The most of them 
were then in their berths sea-sick ; however, in going among 
them telling them what was good for them, persuading them 
not to be there, but to come up on deck and feel the breeze, 
and in rousing them with a joke, or a comfortable word, I made 
acquaintance with them, perhaps, in a more friendly and confi- 
dential way from the first, than I might have done at the cabin 
table. 

Of my passengers, I need only particularize, just at present, 
a bright-eyed, blooming young wife who was going out to join 
her husband in California, taking with her their only child, a 
little girl of three years old, whom he had never seen ; a sedate 
young woman in black, some five years older (about thirty as I 
should say), who was going out to join a brother ; and an old 
gentleman, a good deal like a hawk if his eyes had been better 
and not so red, who was always talking, morning, noon, and 
night, about the gold discovery. But, whether he was making 
the voyage, thinking his old arms could dig for gold, or whether 
his speculation was to buy it, or to barter for it, or to cheat for 
it, or to snatch it anyhow from other people, was his secret. 
He kept his secret. 

These three and the child were the soonest well. The child 
was a most engaging child, to be sure, and very fond of me : 
though I am bound to admit that John Steadiman and I were 
borne on her pretty little books in reverse order, and that he 
was captain there, and I was mate. It was beautiful to watch 
her with John, and it was beautiful to watch John with her. 
Few would have thought it possible, to see John playing at bo- 
peep round the mast, that he was the man who had caught up 
an iron bar and struck a Malay and a Maltese dead, as they 
were gliding with their knives down the cabin stair aboard the 
bark Old England, when the captain lay ill in his cot, off 
Sauger Point. But he was ; and give him his back against a 
bulwark, he would have done the same by half a dozen of them. 
The name of the young mother was Mrs. Atherfield, the name 
of the young lady in black was Miss Coleshaw, and the name 
of the old gentleman was Mr. Rarx. 

As the child had a quantity of shining fair hair, clustering 
in curls all about her face, and as her name was Lucy, Steadi- 
man gave her the name of the Golden Lucy. So, we had the 
Golden Lucy and the Golden Mary ; and John kept up the idea 
to that extent as he and the child went playing about the decks, 
that I believe she used to think the ship was alive somehow — a 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


701 


sister or companion, going to the same place as herself. She 
liked to be by the wheel, and in fine weather, I have often 
stood by the man whose trick it was at the wheel, only to hear 
her, sitting near my feet, talking to the ship. Never had a 
child such a doll before, I suppose ; but she made a doll of the 
Golden Mary, and used to dress her up by tying bits of ribbons 
and little bits of finery to the belaying-pins ; and nobody ever 
moved them, unless it was to save them from being blown 
away. 

Of course I took charge of the two young women, and I 
called them “ my dear,” and they never minded, knowing that 
whatever I said was said in a fatherly and protecting spirit. I 
gave them their places on each side of me at dinner, Mrs. 
Atherfield on my right and Miss Coleshaw on my left ; and I 
directed the unmarried lady to serve out the breakfast, and the 
married lady to serve out the tea. Likewise I said to my black 
steward in their presence, “ Tom Snow, these two ladies are 
equally the mistresses of this house, and do you obey their 
orders equally ; ” at which Tom laughed, and they all laughed. 

Old Mr. Rarx was not a pleasant man to look at, nor yet to 
talk to, or to be with, for no one could help seeing that he was 
a sordid and selfish character, and that he had warped further 
and further out of the straight with time. Not but what he 
was on his best behavior with us, as everybody was ; for we 
had no bickering among us, for’ard or aft. I only mean to say, 
he was not the man one would have chosen for a messmate. If 
choice there had been one might even have gone a few points 
out of one’s course, to say, “ No ! Not him ! ” But, there was 
one curious inconsistency in Mr. Rarx. That was, that he 
took an astonishing interest in the child. He looked, and I 
may add, he was, one of the last of men to care at all for a 
child, or to care much for any human creature. Still, he went 
so far as to be habitually uneasy, if the child was long on deck, 
out of his sight. He was always afraid of her falling over- 
board, or falling down a hatchway, or of a block or what not 
coming down upon her from the rigging in the working of the 
ship, or of her getting some hurt or other. He used to look 
at her and touch her, as if she was something precious to him. 
He was always solicitous about her not injuring her health, and 
constantly entreated her mother to be careful of it. This was so 
much the more curious, because the child did not like him, but 
used to shrink away from him, and would not even put out her 
hand to him without coaxing from others. I believe that every 
soul on board frequently noticed this, and not one of us under- 


702 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


stood it. However, it was such a plain fact, that John Steadi- 
man said more than once when old Mr. Rarx was not within 
earshot, that if the Golden Mary felt a tenderness for the dear 
old gentleman she carried in her lap, she must be bitterly jeal- 
ous of the Golden Lucy. 

Before I go any farther with this narrative, I will state that 
our ship was a bark of three hundred tons, carrying a crew 
of eighteen men, a second mate in addition to John, a carpenter, 
an armorer or smith, and two apprentices (one a Scotch boy, 
poor little fellow). We had three boats ; the Long*boat, capa- 
ble of carrying twenty-five men ; the Cutter, capable of carrying 
fifteen ; and the Surf-boat, capable of carrying ten. I put down 
the capacity of these boats according to the numbers they were 
really meant to hold. 

We had tastes of bad weather and head-winds, of course ; 
but, on the whole we had as fine a run as any reasonable man 
could expect, for sixty-days. I then began to enter two remarks 
in the ship’s Log and in my Journal; first, that there was an 
unusual and amazing quantity of ice ; second, that the nights 
were most wonderfully dark, in spite of the ice. 

For five days and a half, it seemed quite useless and hope- 
less to alter the ship’s course so as to stand out of the way of 
this ice. I made what southing I could ; but, all that time, we 
were beset by it. Mrs. Atherfield after standing by me on 
deck once, looking for some time in an awed manner at the 
great bergs that surrounded us, said in a whisper, “O ! Cap- 
tain Ravender, it looks as if the whole solid earth had changed 
into ice, and broken up f” I said to her, laughing, “ I don’t 
wonder that it does, to your inexperienced eyes, my dear.” 
But I had never seen a twentieth part of the quantity, and, in 
reality, I was pretty much of her opinion. 

However, at two p. m. on the afternoon of the sixth day, 
that is to say, when we were sixty-six days out, John Steadiman, 
who had gone aloft, sang out from the top, that the sea was 
clear ahead. Before four p. m. a strong breeze springing up 
right astern, we were in open water at sunset. The breeze then 
freshening into half a gale of wind, and the Golden Mary being 
a very fast sailer, we went before the wind merrily, all night. 

I had thought it impossible that it could be darker than it 
had been, until the sun, moon, and stars should fall out of the 
heavens, and Time should be destroyed ; but, it had been 
next to light, in comparison with what it was now. The dark- 
ness was so profound, that looking into it was painful and op- 
pressive — like looking, without a ray of light, into a dense black 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7°3 


bandage put as close before the eyes as it could be, without 
touching them. I doubled the look-out, and John and I stood 
in the bow side-by-side, never leaving it all night. Yet I should 
no more have known that he was near me when he was silent, 
without putting out my arm and touching him, than I should if 
he had turned in and been fast asleep below. We were not so 
much looking out, all of us, as listening to the utmost, both with 
our eyes and ears. 

Next day, I found that the mercury in the barometer, which 
had risen steadily since we cleared the ice, remained steady. I 
had had very good observations with now and then the inter- 
ruption of a day or so, since our departure. I got the sun at 
noon, and found that we were in Lat. 58° S., Long. 6o° W., 
off New South Shetland ; in the neighborhood of Cape Horn. 
We were sixty-seven days out, that day. The ship’s reckoning 
was accurately worked and made up. The ship did her duty 
admirably, all on board were well, and all hands were as 
smart, efficient, and contented, as it was possible to be. 

When the night came on again as dark as before, it was the 
eighth night I had been on deck. Nor had I taken more than 
a very little sleep in the day-time, my station being always near 
the helm, and often at it, while we were among the ice. Few 
but those who have tried it can imagine the difficulty and pain 
of only keeping the eyes open — physically open — under such 
circumstances, in such darkness. They get struck by the dark- 
ness, and blinded by the darkness. They make patterns in it, 
and they flash in it, as if they had gone out of your head to 
look at you. On the turn of midnight, John Steadiman, who 
was alert and fresh (for I had always made him turn in by day), 
said to me, “ Captain Ravender, I entreat of you to go below. 
I am sure you can hardly stand, and your voice is getting weak, 
sir. Go below, and take a little rest. I’ll call you if a block 
chafes.” I said to John in answer, “ Well,, well, John ! Let us 
wait till the turn of one o’clock, before we talk about that.” I 
had just had one of the ship’s lanterns help up, that I might 
see how the night went by my watch, and it was then twenty 
minutes after twelve. 

At five minutes before one, John sang out to the boy to 
bring the lantern again, and when I told him once more what 
the time was, entreated and prayed of me to go below. “ Cap- 
tain Ravender,” says he, “ all’s well ; we can’t afford to have 
you laid up for a single hour; and I respectfully and earnestly 
beg of you to go below.” The end of it was, that I agreed to 
do so, on the understanding that if I failed to come up of my 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7 ° 4 

own accord within three hours, I was to be punctually called. 
Having settled that, I left John in charge. But I called him 
to me once afterwards, to ask him a question. I had been to 
look at the barometer, and had seen the mercury still perfectly 
steady, and had come up the companion again to take a last 
look about me — if I can use such a word in reference to such 
darkness — when I thought that the waves, as the Golden Mary 
parted them and shook them off, had a hollow sound in them ; 
something that I fancied was a rather unusual reverberation. 
I was standing by the quarter-deck rail on the starboard side, 
when I called John aft to me, and bade him listen. He did so 
with the greatest attention. Turning to me he then said, “ Rely 
upon it, Captain Ravender, you have been without rest too long, 
and the novelty is only in the state of your sense of hearing.” 
I thought so too by that time, and I think so now, though I can 
never know for absolute certain in this world, whether it was or 
not. 

When I left John Steadiman in charge, the ship was still 
going at a great rate through the water. The wind still blew 
right astern. Though she was making great way, she was un- 
der shortened sail, and had no more than she could easily carry. 
All was snug, and nothing complained. There was a pretty sea 
running, but not a very high sea neither, nor at all a confused 
one. 

I turned in, as we seamen say, all standing. The meaning 
of that is, I did not pull my clothes off — no, not even as much 
as my coat : though I did my shoes, for my feet were badly 
swelled with the deck. There was a little swing-lamp alight in 
my cabin. I thought, as I looked at it before shutting my eyes, 
that I was so tired of darkness, and troubled by darkness, that 
I could have gone to sleep best in the midst of a million of flam- 
ing gas-lights. That was the last thought I had before I went 
off, except the prevailing thought that I should not be able to 
get to sleep at all. 

I dreamed that I was back at Penrith again, and was trying 
to get round the church, which had altered its shape very much 
since I last saw it, and was cloven all down the middle of the 
steeple in a most singular manner. Why I wanted to get round 
the church, I don’t know ; but I was as anxious to do it as if 
my life depended on it. Indeed, I believe it did, in the dream. 
For all that, I could not get round the church. I was still try- 
ing, when I came against it with a violent shock, and was flung 
out of my cot against the ship’s side. Shrieks and a terrific 
outcry struck me far harder than the bruising timbers, and 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7°5 


amidst sounds of grinding and crashing, and a heavy rushing 
and breaking of water — sounds I understood too well— I made 
my way on deck. It was not an easy thing to do, for the ship 
heeled over frightfully, and was beating in a furious manner. 

I could not see the men as I went forward, but I could 
hear that they were hauling in sail, in disorder. I had my 
trumpet in my hand, and, after directing and encouraging them 
in this till it was done, I hailed first John Steadiman, and then 
my second mate, Mr. William Rames. Both answered clearly 
and steadily. Now, I had practised them and all my crew, as 
I have ever made it a custom to practise all who sail with me, 
to take certain stations and wait my orders, in case of any un- 
expected crisis. When my voice was heard hailing, and their 
voices were hoard answering, I was aware, through all the noises 
of the ship and sea, and all the crying of the passengers below, 
that there was a pause. “ Are you ready, Rames ? ” — “ Ay, ay, 
sir ? ” — “ Then light up for God’s sake ! ” In a moment he 
and another were burning blue-lights, and the ship and all on 
board seemed to be enclosed in a mist of light, under a great 
black dome. 

The light shone up so high that I could see the huge Ice- 
berg upon which we had struck, cloven at the top and down 
the middle, exactly like Penrith Church in my dream. At the 
same moment ‘I could see the watch last relieved, crowding up 
and down on deck ; I could see Mrs. Atherfield and Miss Cole- 
shaw thrown about on the top of the companion as they strug- 
gled to bring the child up from below ; I could see that the 
masts were going with the shock and the beating of the ship ; 
I could see the frightful breach stove in on the starboard side, 
half the length of the vessel, and the sheathing and timbers 
spirting up ; I could see that the Cutter was disabled, in a 
wreck of broken fragments ; and I could see every eye turned 
upon me. It is my belief that if there had been ten thousand 
eyes there, I should have seen them all, with their different 
looks. And all this in a moment. But you must consider what 
a moment. 

I saw the men, as they looked at me, fall towards their ap- 
pointed stations, like good men and true. If she had not 
righted, they could have done very little there or anywhere 
but die — not that it is little for a man to die at his post — I 
mean they could have done nothing to save the passengers 
and themselves. Happily, however, the violence of the shock 
with which we had so determinedly borne down direct on that 
fatal Iceberg, as if it had been our destination instead of our 


7o 6 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


destruction, had so smashed and pounded the ship that she got 
off in this same instant and righted. I did not want the car- 
penter to tell me she was filling and going down ; I could see 
and hear that. I gave Rames the word to lower the Long- 
boat and the Surf-boat, and I myself told off the men for each 
duty. Not one hung back, or came before the other. I now 
whispered to John Steadiman, “ John, I stand at the gangway 
here, to see e’very soul on board safe over the side. You shall 
have the next post of honor, and shall be the last but one to 
leave the ship. Bring up the passengers, and range them be- 
hind me ; and put what provision and water you can get at, in 
the boats. Cast your eye for’ard, John, and you’ll see you have 
not a moment to lose.” 

My noble fdlows got the boats over the side as orderly as 
I ever saw boats lowered with any sea running, and when they 
were launched, two or three of the nearest men in them as they 
held on, rising and falling with the swell, called out, looking up 
at me, “ Captain Ravender, if anything goes wrong with us and 
you are saved, remember we stood by you ! ” — “ We’ll all stand 
by one another ashore, yet, please God,' my lads ! ” says I, 
“ Hold on bravely, and be tender with the women.” 

The women were an example to us. They trembled very 
much, but they were quiet and perfectly collected. “ Kiss me, 
Captain Ravender,” says Mrs. Atherffeld, “and God in heaven 
bless you, you good man ! ” “ My dear,” says I, “ those words 

are better for me than a life-boat.” I held her child in my 
arms till she was in the boat, and then kissed the child and 
handed her safe down. I now said to the people in her, “ You 
have got your freight, my lads, all but me, and I am not coming 
yet a while. Pull away from the ship, and keep off ! ” 

That was the Long boat. Old Mr. Rarx was one of her 
complement, and he was the only passenger who had greatly 
misbehaved since the ship struck. Others had been a little 
wild, which was not to be wondered at, and not very blamable ; 
but, he had made a lamentation and uproar which it was dan- 
gerous for the people to hear, as there is always contagion in 
weakness and selfishness. His incessant cry had been that he 
must not be separated from the child, that he couldn’t see the 
child, and that he and the child must go together. He had 
even tried to wrest the child out of my arms, that he might 
keep her in his. # “ Mr. Rarx,” said I to him when it came to 
that, “ I have a loaded pistol in my pocket ; and if you don’t 
stand out of the gangway, and keep perfectly quiet, I shall 
shoot you through the heart, if you have got one.” Says h«, 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7°7 

“You won’t do murder, Captain Ravender ! ” tr No, sir,” says 
I, “ I won’t murder forty-four people to humor you, but I’ll 
shoot you to save them.” After that he was quiet, and stood 
shivering a little way off, until I named him to go over the 
side. 

The Long-boat being cast off, the Surf-boat was soon filled. 
There only remained aboard the Golden Mary, John Mullion, 
the man who had kept on burning the blue-lights (and who had 
lighted every new one at every old one before it went out, as 
quietly as if he had been at an illumination) ; John Steadiman; 
and myself. I hurried those two into the Surf-boat, called to 
them to keep off, and waited with a grateful and relieved heart 
for the Long-boat to come and take me in, if she could. I 
looked at my watch, and it showed me, by the blue-light, ten 
minutes past two. They lost no time. As soon as she was 
near enough, I swung myself into her, and called to the men, 
“ Witli a will, lads ! She’s reeling ! ” We were not tin inch 
too far out of the inner vortex of her going down, when, by the 
blue-light which John Mullion still burnt in the bow of the Surf- 
boat, we saw her lurch, and plunge to the bottom headforemost. 
The child cried weeping wildly, “ O the dear Golden Mary ! 
O look at her ! Save her ! Save the poor Golden Mary ! ” 
And then the light burnt out, and the black dome seemed to 
come down upon us. 

I suppose if we had all stood a-top of a mountain, and seen 
the whole remainder of the world sink away from under us, we 
could hardly have felt more shocked and solitary than we did 
when we knew we were alone on the wide ocean, and that the 
beautiful ship in which most of us had been securely asleep 
within half am hour was gone forever. There was an awful 
silence in our boat, and such a kind of palsy on the rowers and 
the man at the rudder, that I felt they were scarcely keeping 
her before the sea. I spoke out then, and said, “ Let every 
one here thank the Lord for our preservation ! ” All the voices 
answered (even the child’s), “We thank the Lord ! ” I then 
said the Lord’s Prayer, and all hands said it after me with a 
solemn murmuring. Then I gave the word “ Cheerily, O men, 
Cheerily ! ” and I felt that they were handling the boat again 
as a boat ought to be handled. 

The Surf-boat now burnt another blue-light to show us 
where they were, and we made for her, and laid ourselves as 
nearly alongside of her as we dared. I had always kept my 
boats with a coil or two of good stout stuff in each of them, so 
both boats had a rope at hand. We made a shift, with much 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


jroS 

labor and trouble, to get near enough to one another to di- 
vide the blue-lights (they were no use after that night, for the 
sea-water soon got at them), and to get a tow-rope out between 
us. All night long we kept together, sometimes obliged to cast 
off the rope, and sometimes getting it out again, and all of us 
wearying for the morning — which appeared so long in coming 
that old Mr. Rarx screamed out, in spite of his fears of me, 
“ The world is drawing to an end, and the sun will never rise 
any more ! ” 

When the day broke, I found that we were all huddled to- 
gether in a miserable manner. We were deep in the water ; 
being, as I found on mustering, thirty-one in number, or at 
least six too many. In the Surf-boat they were fourteen in 
number, being at least four too many. The first thing I did, 
was to get myself passed to the rudder — which I took from 
that time — and to get Mrs. Atherfield, her child, and Miss 
ColeshaTW, passed on to sit next me. As to old Mr. Rarx, I 
put him in the bow, as far from us as I could. And I put some 
of the best men near us, in order that if I should drop, there 
might be a skilful hand ready to take the helm. 

The sea moderating as the sun came up, though the sky was 
cloudy and wild, we spoke the other boat, to know what stores 
they had, and to overhaul what we had. I had a compass in 
my pocket, a small telescope, a double-barrelled pistol, a knife, 
and a fire-box and matches. Most of my men had knives, and 
some had a little tobacco : some, a pipe as well. We had a 
mug among us, and an iron spoon. As to provisions, there 
were in my boat two bags of biscuit, one piece of raw beef, one 
piece of raw pork, a bag of coffee, roasted but not ground 
(thrown in, I imagine, by mistake, for something else), two small 
casks of water, and about half-a-gallon of rum in a keg. The 
Surf-boat, having rather more rum than we, and fewer to drink 
it, gave us, as I estimated, another quart into our keg. In re- 
turn, we gave them three double handfuls of coffee, tied up in 
a piece of a handkerchief ; they reported that they had aboard 
besides, a bag of biscuit, a piece of beef, a small cask of water, 
a small box of lemons, and a Dutch cheese. It took a long 
time to make these exchanges, and they were not made without 
risk to both parties ; the sea running quite high enough to make 
our approaching near to one another very hazardous. In the 
bundle with the coffee, I conveyed to John Steadiman (who had 
a ship’s compass with him), a paper written in pencil, and torn 
from my pocket-book, containing the course I meant to steer, 
in the hope of making land, or being picked up by some vessel 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7°9 

—I say in the hope, though I had little hope of either deliver- 
ance. I then sang out to him, so as all might hear, that if we 
two boats could live or die together, we would ; but, that if we 
should be parted by the weather, and join company no more, 
they should have our prayers and blessings, and we asked for 
theirs. We then gave them three cheers, which they returned, 
and I saw the men’s heads droop in both boats as they fell to 
their oars again. 

These arrangements had occupied the general attention ad- 
vantageously for all, though (as I expressed in the last sentence) 
they ended in a sorrowful feeling. I now said a few words to 
my fellow-voyagers on the subject of the small stock of food on 
which our lives depended if they were preserved from the great 
deep, and on the rigid necessity of our eking it out in the most 
frugal manner. One and all replied that whatever allowance I . 
thought best to lay down should be strictly kept to. We made 
a pair of scales out of a thin scrap of iron-plating and some 
twine, and I got together for weights such of the heaviest but- 
tons among us as I calculated made up some fraction over two 
ounces. This was the allowance of solid food served out once 
a-day to each, from that time to the end ; with the addition of 
a coffee-berry, or sometimes half a one, when the weather was 
very fair, for breakfast. We had nothing else whatever, but 
half a pint of water each per day, and sometimes, when we were 
coldest and weakest, a teaspoonful of rum each, served out as a 
dram. I know how learnedly it can be shown that rum is 
poison, but I also know that in this case, as in all similar cases 
I have ever read of — which are numerous — no words can ex- 
press the comfort and support derived from it. Nor have I 
the least doubt that it saved the lives of far more than half our 
number. Having mentioned half a pint of water as our daily 
allowance, I ought to observe that sometimes we had less, and 
sometimes we had more ; for, much rain fell, and we caught it 
in a canvas stretched for the purpose. 

Thus, at that tempestuous time of the year, and in that tem- 
pestuous part of the world, we shipwrecked people rose and 
fell with the waves. It is not my intention to relate (if I can 
avoid it) such circumstances appertaining to our doleful con- 
dition as have been better told in many other narratives of the 
kind than I can be expected to tell them. I will only note, in 
so many passing words, that day after day and night after night, 
we received the sea upon our backs to prevent it from swamp- 
ing the boat ; that one party was always kept baling, and that 
every hat and cap among us soon got worn out, though patched 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


710 

up fifty times, as the only vessels we had for that service ; that 
another party lay down in the bottom of the boat, while a third 
rowed ; and that we were soon all in boils and blisters and 
rags. 

The other boat was a source of such anxious interest to all 
of us that I used to wonder whether, if we were saved, the time 
could ever come when the survivors in this boat of ours could 
be at all indifferent to the fortunes of the survivors in that. 
We got out a tow-rope whenever the weather permitted, but that 
did not often happen, and how we two parties kept within the 
same horizon, as we did, He, who mercifully permitted it to be 
so for our consolation, only knows. I never shall forget the 
looks with which, when the morning light came, we used to 
gaze about us over the stormy waters, for the other boat. We 
.once parted company for seventy-two hours, and we believed 
them to have gone down, as they did us. The joy on both sides 
when we came within view of one another again, had something 
in a manner Divine in it ; each was so forgetful of individual 
suffering in tears of delight and sympathy for # the people in the 
other boat. 

I have been waiting to get round to the individual or per- 
sonal part of my subject, as I call it, and the foregoing inci- 
dent puts me in the right way. The patience and good 
disposition aboard of us, was wonderful. I was not surprised 
by it in the women ; for all men born of women know what 
great qualities they will show when men will fail ; but, I own I 
was a little surprised by it in some of the men. Among one- 
and-thirty people assembled at the best of times, there will 
usually, I should say, be two or three uncertain tempers. I 
knew that I had more than one rough temper with me 
among my own people, for I had chosen those for the Long- 
boat that I might have them under my eye. But they 
softened under their misery, and were as considerate of the 
ladies, and as compassionate of the child, as the best among 
us, or among men — they could not have been more so. 
I heard scarcely any complaining. The party lying down 
would moan a good deal in their sleep, and I would often notice 
a man — not always the same man, it is to be understood, but 
nearly all of them at one time or other — sitting moaning at his 
oar, or in his place, as he looked mistily over the sea. When 
it happened to be long before I could catch his eye, he would 
go on moaning all the time in the dismallest manner ; but, when 
our looks met, he would brighten and leave off. I almost ah 
ways got the impression that he did not know what sound he 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


711 

had been making, but that he thought he had been humming a 
tune. 

Our sufferings from cold and wet were far greater than our 
sufferings from hunger. We managed to keep the child warm ; 
but I doubt if any one else among us ever was warm for five 
minutes together ; and the shivering, and the chattering of teeth, 
were sad to hear. The child cried a little at first for her lost 
playfellow, the Golden Mary ; but hardly ever whimpered after- 
wards ; and when the state of the weather made it possible, she 
used now and then to be held up in the arms of some of us, to 
look over the sea for John Steadiman’s boat. I see the golden 
hair and the innocent face now, between me and the driving 
clouds, like an angel going to fly away. 

It had happened on the second day, towards night, that 
Mrs. Atherfield, in getting Little Lucy to sleep, sang her a song. 
She had a soft, melodious voice, and, when she had finished it, 
our people up and begged for another. She sang them another, 
and after it had fallen dark ended with the Evening Hymn. 
From that time, whenever anything could be heard above the 
sea and wind, and while she had any voice left, nothing would 
serve the people but that she should sing at sunset. She always 
did, and always ended with the Evening Hymn. We mostly 
took up the last line, and shed tears when it was done, but not 
miserably. We had a prayer night and morning, also, when 
the weather allowed of it. 

Twelve nights and eleven days we had been driving in the 
boat, when old Mr. Rarx began to be delirious, and to cry out 
to me to throw the gold overboard or it would sink us, and we 
should all be lost. For days past the child had been declining, 
and that was the great cause of his wildness. He had been 
over and over again shrieking out to me to give her all the re- 
maining meat, to give her all the remaining rum, to save her at 
any cost, or we should all be ruined. At this time, she lay in 
her mother’s arms at my feet. One of her little hands was 
almost always creeping about her mother’s neck or chin. I 
had watched the wasting of the little hand, and I knew it was 
nearly over. 

The old man’s cries were so discordant with the mother’s 
love and submission, that I called out to him in an angry voice, 
unless he held his peace on the instant, I would order him to 
be knocked on the head and thrown overboard. He was mute 
then, until the child died, very peacefully, an hour afterwards ; 
which was known to all in the boat by the mother’s breaking 
out into lamentations for the first time since the wreck — for, 


712 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY, \ 


she had great fortitude and constancy, though she was a little 
gentle woman. Old Mr. Rarx then became quite ungovern- 
able, tearing what rags he had on him, raging in imprecations, 
and calling to me that if I had thrown the gold overboard 
(always the gold with him !) I might have saved the child. “ And 
now,” says he, in a terrible voice, “ we shall founder, and all 
go to the Devil, for our sins will sink us, when we have no in- 
nocent child to bear us up ! ” We so discovered with amaze- 
ment, that this old wretch had only cared for the life of the 
pretty little creature dear to all of us, because of the influence 
he superstitiously hoped she might have in preserving him ! 
Altogether it was too much for the smith or armorer, who was 
sitting next the old man, to bear. He took him by the throat 
and rolled him under the thwarts, where he lay still enough for 
hours afterwards. 

All that thirteenth night, Miss Coleshaw, lying across my 
knees as I kept the helm, comforted and supported the poor 
mother. Her child, covered with a pea-jacket of mine, lay in 
her lap. It troubled me all night to think that there was no 
Prayer-Book among us, and that I could remember but very 
few of the exact words of the burial service. When I stood up 
at broad day, all knew what was going to be done, and I noticed 
that my poor fellows made the motion of uncovering their heads 
though their heads had been stark bare to the sky and sea for 
many a weary hour. There was a long heavy swell on, but 
otherwise it was a fair morning, and there were broad fields of 
sunlight on the waves in the east. I said no more than this : 
“ I am the Resurrection and the Life, saith the Lord. He raised 
the daughter of Jairus the ruler, and said she was not dead but 
slept. He raised the widow’s son. He arose Himself, and 
was seen of many. He loved little children, saying, Suffer 
them to come unto Me and rebuke them not, for of such is the 
kingdom of heaven. In His name, my friends, and committed 
to His merciful goodness ! ” With those words I laid my rough 
face softly on the placid little forehead, and buried the Golden 
Lucy in the grave of the Golden Mary. 

Having had it on my mind to relate the end of this dear 
little child, I have omitted something from its exact place, 
which I will supply here. It will come quite as well here as any- 
where else. 

Foreseeing that if the boat lived through the stormy weather, 
the time must come, and soon come, when we should have ab- 
solutely no morsel to eat, I had one momentous point often in 
my thoughts. Although I had, years before that, fully satisfied 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7 I 3 

ifiyself that the instances in which human beings in the last 
distress have fed upon each other, are exceedingly few, and 
have very seldom indeed (if ever) occurred when the people in 
distress, however dreadful their extremity, have been accus- 
tomed to moderate forbearance and restraint ; I say, though I 
had long before quite satisfied my mind on this topic, I felt doubt- 
ful whether there might not have been in former cases some 
harm and danger from keeping it out of sight and pretending 
not to think of it. I felt doubtful whether some minds, grow- 
ing weak with fasting and exposure and having such a terrific 
idea to dwell upon in secret, might not magnify it until it got 
to have an awful attraction about it. This was not a new 
thought of mine, for it had grown out of my reading. How- 
ever, it came over me stronger that it had ever done before — 
as it had reason for doing — in the boat, and on the fourth day 
I decided that I would bring out into the light that unformed 
fear which must have been more or less darkly in every brain 
among us. Therefore, as a means of beguiling the time and 
inspiring hope, I gave them the best summary in my power 
of Bligh’s voyage of more than three thousand miles, in an 
open boat, after the Mutiny of the Bounty, and of the wonder- 
ful preservation of that boat’s crew. They listened through- 
out with great interest, and I concluded by telling them, that 
in my opinion, the happiest circumstance in the whole narra- 
tive was, that Bligh, who was no delicate man either, had sol- 
emnly placed it on record therein that he was sure and certain 
that under no conceivable circumstances whatever would that 
emaciated party, who. had gone through all the pains of famine, 
have preyed on one another. I cannot describe the visible re- 
lief which this spread through the boat, and how the tears 
stood in every eye. From that time I was as well convinced 
as Bligh himself that there was no danger, and that this phan- 
tom, at any rate, did not haunt us. 

Now, it was a part of Bligh’s experience that when the peo- 
ple in his boat were most cast down, nothing did them so much 
good as hearing a story told by one of their number. When I 
mentioned that, I saw that it struck the general attention as 
much as it did my own, for I had not thought of it until I 
came to it in my summary. This was on the day after Mrs. 
Atherfield first sang to us. I proposed that whenever the 
weather would permit, we should have a story two hours after 
dinner (I always issued the allowance I have mentioned at one 
o’clock, and called it by that name) as well as our song at sun- 
get. The proposal was received with a cheerful satisfaction 


7 1 4 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


that warmed my heart within me ; and I do not say too much 
when I say that those two periods in the four-and- twenty hours 
were expected with positive pleasure, and were really enjoyed 
by all hands. Spectres as we soon were in our bodily wasting, 
our imaginations did not perish like the gross flesh upon our 
bones. Music and Adventure, two of the great 1 gifts of Provi- 
dence to mankind, could charm us long after that was lost. 

The wind was almost always against us after the second day ; 
and for many days together we could not nearly hold our own. 
We had all varieties of bad weather. We had rain, hail, snow, 
wind, mist, thunder and lightning. Still the boats lived through 
the heavy seas, and still we perishing people rose and fell with 
the great waves. 

Sixteen nights and fifteen days, twenty nights and nineteen 
days, twenty-four nights and twenty-three days. So the time 
went on. Disheartening as I knew that our progress, or want 
of progress, must be, I never deceived them as to my calcula- 
tions of it. In the first place, I felt that we were all too near 
eternity for deceit ; in the second place, I knew that if I failed, 
or died, the man who followed me must have a knowledge of 
the true state of things to begin upon. When I told them at 
noon, what I reckoned we had made or lost, they generally 
received what I said in a tranquil and resigned manner, and 
always gratefully towards me. It was not unusual at any time 
of the day for some one to burst out weeping loudly without 
any new cause ; and, when the burst was over, to calm down a 
little better than before. I had seen exactly the same thing in 
a house of mourning. 

During the whole of this time, old Mr. Rarx had had his fits 
of calling out to me to throw the gold (always the gold ! ) over- 
board, and of heaping violent reproaches upon me for not hav- 
ing saved the child ; but now, the food being all gone, and I 
having nothing left to serve out but a bit of coffee-berry now 
and then, he began to be too weak to do this, and consequently 
fell silent. Mrs. Atherfield and Miss Coleshaw generally lay 
each with an arm across one of my knees, and her head upon 
it. They never complained at all. Up to the time of her 
child’s death, Mrs. Atherfield had bound up her own beautiful 
hair every day ; and I took particular notice that this was 
always before she sang at night, when every one looked at her. 
But she never did it after the loss of her darling ; and it would 
have been now all tangled with dirt and wet, but that Miss 
Coleshaw was careful of it long after she was herself, and 
would sometimes smooth it down with her weak, thin hands. 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


7*5 

We were past mustering a story now ; but one day, at about 
this period, I reverted to the superstition of old Mr. Rarx, con- 
cerning the Golden Lucy, and told them that nothing vanished 
from the eye of God, though much might pass away from the 
eyes of men. “We were all of us,” says I, “ children once ; 
and our baby feet have strolled in green woods as she ; and 
our baby hands have gathered flowers in gardens, where the 
birds were singing. The children that we were, are not lost to 
the great knowledge of our Creator. Those innocent creatures 
will appear with us before Him, and plead for us. What we 
were in the best time of our generous youth will arise and go 
with us too. The purest part of our lives will not desert us at 
the pass to which all of us here present are gliding. What we 
were then, will be as much in existence before Him, as what 
we are now.” They were no less comforted by this consider- 
ation, than I was myself ; and Miss Coleshaw, drawing my 
ear nearer to her lips, said, “Captain Ravender,I was on my 
way to marry a disgraced and broken man, whom I dearly 
loved when he was honorable and good. Your words seem to 
have come out of my own poor heart.” She pressed my hand 
upon it, smiling. 

Twenty-seven nigljfs and twenty-six days. We were in no 
want of rain-water, but we had nothing else. And yet, even 
now, I never turned my eyes upon a waking face but it tried 
to brighten before mine. O what a thing it is, in a time of 
danger and in the presence of death, the shining of a face upon 
a face ! I have heard it broached that orders should be given 
in great new ships by electric telegraph. I admire machinery 
as much as any man, and am as thankful to* it as any man can 
be for what it does for us. But it will never be a substitute 
for the face of a man, with his soul in it, encouraging another 
man to be brave and true. Never try it for that. It will 
break down like a straw. 

I now began to remark certain changes in myself which I 
did not like. They caused me much disquiet. I often saw 
the Golden Lucy in the air above the boat. I often saw her 
I have spoken of before, sitting beside me. I saw the Golden 
Mary go down, as she really had gone down, twenty times in a 
day. And yet the sea was mostly, to my thinking, not sea 
neither, but moving country and extraordinary mountainous 
regions, the like of which have never been beheld. I felt it 
time to leave my last words regarding John Steadiman, in case 
any lips should last out to repeat them to any living ears. I 
said that John had told me (as he had on deck) that he had 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


716 

sung out 4 Breakers ahead ! ’ the instant they were audible, and 
had tried to wear ship, but she struck before it could be done. 
(His cry, I dare say, had made my dream.) I said that the 
circumstances were altogether without warning, and out of any 
course that could have been guarded against ; that the same 
loss would have happened if I had been in charge ; and that 
John was not to blame, but from first to last had done his 
duty nobly, like the man he was. I tried to write it down in 
my pocket-book, but could make no words, though I knew 
what the words were that I wanted to make. When it had 
come to that, her hands — though she was dead so long — laid 
me down gently in the bottom of the boat, and she and the 
Golden Lucy swung me to sleep. 

All that follows , was written by John Steadiman , Chief Mate : 

On the twenty-sixth day after the foundering of the Golden 
Mary at sea, I, John Steadiman, was sitting in my place in the 
stern-sheets of the Surf-boat, with just sense enough left in me 
to steer — that is to say, with my eyes strained, wide awake, 
over the bows of the boat, and my brains fast asleep and dream- 
ing — when I was roused upon a sudden by our second mate, 
Mr. William Rames. 

“ Let me take a spell in your place, ” says he. “ And look 
you out for the Long-boat astern. The last time she rode on 
the crest of a wave, I thought I made out a signal flying aboard 
her.” 

We shifted our places, clumsily and slowly enough, for we 
were both of us weak and dazed with wet, cold, and hunger. 
I waited some time, watching the heavy rollers astern, before 
the Long-boat rose a-top of one of them at the same time with 
us. At last, she was heaved up for a moment well .in view, 
and there, sure enough, was the signal flying aboard of her — 
a strip of rag of some sort, rigged to an oar, and hoisted in her 
bows. 

“ What does it mean ? ” says Rames to me in a quavering, 
trembling sort of a voice. “ Do they signal a sail in sight ? ” 

“ Hush, for God’s sake ! ” says I, clapping my hand over his 
mouth. “ Don’t let the people hear you. They’ll all go mad 
together if we mislead them about that signal. Wait a bit till 
I have another look at it.” 

I held on by him, for he had set me all of a tremble with 
his notion of a sail in sight, and watched for the Long-boat 
again. 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


717 

Up she rose on the top of another roller. I made out the 
signal clearly, that second time, and saw that it was rigged half- 
mast high. 

“ Rames,” says I, “ it’s a signal of distress. Pass the word 
forward to keep her before the sea, and no more. We must 
get the Long-boat within hailing distance of us as soon as pos- 
sible.” 

I dropped down into my old place at the tiller without an- 
other word — for the thought went through me like a knife that 
something had happened to Captain Ravender, I should con- 
sider myself unworthy to write another line of this statement, 
if I had not made up my mind to speak the truth, the whole 
truth, and nothing but the truth — and I must, therefore, con- 
fess plainly that now, for the first time, my heart sank within 
me. This weakness on my part was produced in some degree, 
as I take it, by the exhausting effects of previous anxiety and 
grief. 

Our provisions — if I may give that name to what we had 
left — were reduced to the rind of one lemon and about a 
couple of handfuls of coffee-berries. Besides these great dis- 
tresses, caused by the death, the danger, and the suffering 
among my crew and passengers, I had a little distress of my 
own to shake me still more, in the death of the child whom I 
had got to be very fond of on the voyage out — so fond that I 
was secretly a little jealous of her being taken in the Long-boat 
instead of mine when the ship foundered. It used to be a 
great comfort to me, and I think to those with me also, after 
we had seen the last of the Golden Mary, to see the Golden 
Lucy, held up by the men in the Long-boat, when the weather 
allowed it, as the best and brightest sight they had to show. 
She looked, at the distance we saw her from, almost like a little 
white bird in the air. To miss her for the first time, when the 
weather lulled a little again, and we all looked out for our 
white bird and looked in vain, was a sore disappointment. To 
see the men’s heads bowed bown and the captain’s hand point- 
ing into the sea when he hailed the Long-boat, a few days after, 
gave me as heavy a shock and as sharp a pang of heartache to 
bear as ever I remember suffering in all my life. I only men- 
tion these things to show that if I did give way a little at first, 
under the dread that our captain was lost to us, it was not with- 
out having been a good deal shaken beforehand by more trials 
of one sort or another than often fall to one man’s share. 

I had got over the choking in my throat with the help of a 
drop of water, and had steadied my mind again so as to be 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


718 

prepared against the worst, when I heard the hail (Lord help 
the poor fellows, how weak it sounded !)— 

“ Surf-boat, ahoy ! ” 

I looked up, and there were our companions in misfortune 
tossing abreast of us ; not so near that we could make out the 
features of any of them, but near enough, with some exertion 
for people in our condition, to make their voices heard in the 
intervals when the wind was weakest. 

I answered the hail, and waited a bit, and heard nothing, 
and then sung out the captain’s name. The voice that replied 
did not sound like his ; the words that reached us were : 

“ Chief-mate wanted on board ! ” 

Every man of my crew knew what that meant as well as I 
did. As second officer in command, there could be but one 
reason for wanting me on board the Long-boat. A groan went 
all round us, and my men looked darkly in each other’s faces, 
and whispered under their breaths : 

“ The captain is dead ! ” 

I commanded them to be silent, and not to make too sure 
of bad news, at such a pass as things had now come to with us. 
Then, hailing the Long-boat, I signified that I was ready to go 
on board when the weather would let me — stopped a bit to 
draw a good long breath — and then called out as loud as I could 
the dreadful question : 

“ Is the captain dead ? ” 

The black figures of three or four men in the after-part of 
the Long-boat all stooped down together as my voice reached 
them. They were lost to view for about a minute; then ap- 
peared again — one man among them was held up on his feet 
by the rest, and he hailed back the blessed words (a very faint 
hope went a very long way with people in our desperate situa- 
tion) : “ Not yet!” 

The relief felt by me, and by all with me, when we knew 
that our captain, though unfitted for duty, was not lost to us, it 
is not in words — at least, not in such words as a man like me 
can command — to express. I did my best to cheer the men 
by telling them what a good sign it was that we were not as 
badly off yet as we had feared ; and then communicated what 
instructions I had to give, to William Rames, who was to be 
left in command in my place when I took change of the Long- 
boat. After that, there was nothing to be done, but to wait for 
the chance of the wind dropping at sunset, and the sea going 
down afterwards, so as to enable our weak crews to lay the two 
boats alongside of each other, without undue risk — or, to put 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


719 

it plainer, without saddling ourselves with the necessity for any 
extraordinary exertion of strength or skill. Both the one and 
the other had now been starved out of us for days and days 
together. 

At sunset the wind suddenly dropped, but the sea, which 
had been running high for so long a time past, took hours after 
before it showed any signs of getting to rest. The moon was 
shining, the sky was wonderfully clear, and it could not have 
been, according to my calculations, far off midnight, when the 
long, slow, regular swell of the calming ocean fairly set in, and 
I took the responsibility of lessening the distance between the 
Long-boat and ourselves. 

It was, I dare say, a delusion of mine ; but I thought I had 
never seen the moon shine so white and ghastly anywhere, 
either at sea or on land, as she shone that night while we were 
approaching our companions in misery. When there was not 
much more than a boat’s length between us, and the white light 
streamed cold and clear over all our faces, both crews rested 
on their oars with one great shudder, and stared ov$r the gun- 
wale of either boat, panic-stricken at the first sight of each other. 

'”Any lives lost among you?” I asked, in the midst of 
that frightful silence. 

The men in the Long-boat huddled together like sheep at 
the sound of my voice. 

“ None yet, but the child, thanks be to God ! ” answered 
one among them. 

And at the sound of his voice, all my men shrank together 
like the men in the Long-boat. I was afraid to let the horror 
produced by our first meeting at close quarters after the dread- 
ful changes that wet, cold, and famine had produced, last one 
moment longer than could be helped ; so, without giving time 
for any more questions and answers, I commanded the men to 
lay the two boats close alongside of each other. When I rose 
up and committed the tiller to the hands of Rames, all my poor 
fellows raised their white faces imploringly to mine. Don’t 
leave us, sir, ’’they said, “ don’t leave us.” “I leave you,” 
says I, “ under the command and the guidance of Mr. William 
Rames, as good a sailor as I am, and as trusty and kind a 
man as ever stepped. Do your duty by him, as you have done 
it by, me ; and remember to the last, that while there is life 
there is hope. God bless and help you all ! ” With those 
words I collected what strength I had left, caught at two arms 
that were held out to me, and so got from the stern-sheets of 
one boat into the stern -sheets of the other. 


720 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MAR}. 


“ Mind where you step, sir,” whispered one of the men 
who had helped me into the Long-boat. I looked down as he 
spoke. Three figures were huddled up below me, with the 
moonshine falling on them in ragged streaks through the gaps 
between the men standing or sitting above them. The first 
face I made out was the face of Miss Coleshaw: her eyes were 
wide open and fixed on me. She seemed still to keep her 
senses, and, by the alternate parting and closing of her lips, 
to be trying to speak, but I could not hear that she uttered a 
single word. On her shoulder rested the head of Mrs. Ather- 
field. The mother of our poor little Golden Lucy must, I think, 
have been dreaming of the child she had lost ; for there was 
a faint smile just ruffling the white stillness of her face, when I 
first saw it turned upward, with peaceful, closed eyes towards 
the heavens. From her, I looked down a little, and there, 
with his head on her lap, and with one of her hands resting 
tenderly on his cheek — there lay the Captain, to whose help 
and guidance, up to this miserable time, we had never looked 
in vain, — -there, worn out at last in our service, and for our 
sakes, lay the best and bravest man of all our company. I 
stole my hand in gently through his clothes and laid it on his 
heart, and felt a little feeble warmth over it, though my cold, 
dulled touch could not detect even the faintest beating. The 
two men in the stern-sheets with me, noticing what I was doing 
— knowing I loved him like a brother — and seeing, I suppose, 
more distress in my face than I myself was conscious of its 
showing, lost command over themselves altogether, and burst 
into a piteous moaning, sobbing lamentation over him. One 
of the two drew aside a jacket from his feet, and showed me 
that they were bare, except where a wet, ragged strip of stock- 
ing still clung to one of them. When the ship struck the Ice- 
berg, he had run on deck, leaving his shoes in his cabin. All 
through the voyage in the boat his feet had been unprotected ; 
and not a soul had discovered it until he dropped ! As long 
as he could keep his eyes open, the very look of them had 
cheered the men, and comforted and upheld the women. Not 
one living creature in the boat, with any sense about him, but 
had felt the good influence of that brave man in one way or 
another. Not one but had heard him, over and over again, 
give the credit to others which was due only to himself; prais- 
ing this man for patience, and thanking that man for help, 
when the patience and the help had really and truly, as to the 
best part of both, come only from him. All this, and much 
more, I heard pouring confusedly from the men’s lips while 


THE WRECK OF THE GOLDEN MARY. 


721 


they crouched down, sobbing and crying over their commander, 
and wrapping the jacket as warmly and tenderly as they 
could over his cold feet. It went to my heart to check them ; 
but I knew that if this lamenting spirit spread any further all 
chance of keeping alight any last sparks of hope and resolution 
among the boat’s company would be lost forever. Accordingly 
I sent them to their places, spoke a few encouraging words to 
the men forward, promising to serve out, when the morning 
came, as much as I dared of any eatable thing left in the look- 
ers ; called to Rames, in my old boat, to keep as near us as he 
safely could ; drew the garments and coverings of the two poor 
suffering women more closely about them ; and, with a secret 
prayer to be directed for the best in bearing the awful responsi- 
bility now laid on my shoulders, took my Captain’s vacant place 
at the helm of the Long-boat. 

This, as well as I can tell it, is the full and true account 
of how I came to be placed in charge of the lost passengers and 
crew of The Golden Mary, on the morning of the twenty- 
seventh day after the ship struck the Iceberg, and foundered 

at sea. 


•••;' -I.vn.. . , : >. j • 

. 

; ■ b , 

• : • ' v ' 1 • ' V ‘ uo iri^vta f. i . { , , , 

.!/: xf—aoo : ' i - ; •' >; 

• ' ' • ■ ' • f ! .-i ' ' , : I y;i . j ' 

- ,{ ' • : ' • •! bO'V.Uj 9ff of J 1 V/<N. :•> 

r ' :rn ’ ' >f “i* * " .77 r.I . t :>h i'o » ) , :T V: v/ ?:> 

• ■' , ; r ‘j 1 j Tjjifi vnb iUr.y-rx 

Jj; 


















* 









LOVELL’S library-catalogue: 


113. More Words About the Bible, 

by Rev. Jus. S. Bush 20 

114. Monsieur Lecoq, Gaboriau Pt. I. .20 

Monsieur Lecoq, Pt. II 20 

115. An Outline of Irish History, by 

Justin H. McCarthy 10 

116. The Lerouge Case, by Gaboriau. .20 

117. Paul Clifford, by Lord Lytton. . .20 

118. A New Lease of Life, by About. .20 

119. Bourbon Lilies........ 20 

120. Other People's Money, Gaboriau.20 

121. The Lady of Lyons, Lytton... 10 

122. Ameline deBourg 15 

123. A Sea Queen, by W. Russell. . . .20 

124. The Ladies Lindores, by Mrs. 

Oliphant 20 

125. Haunted Hearts, by Simpson. ...10 

126. Loys, l ord Beresford, by The 

Duchess .20 

127. Under Two Flags, Ouida, Pt. I. . 15 

Under Two Flags, Pt. II 15 

128. Money by Lord Lytton 10 

129. In Peril of His Life, by Gaboriau.20 

130. India, by Max Miiller 20 

131. Jets and Flashes. ...20 

132. Moonshine and Marguerites, by 

The Duchess . . .10 

133. Mr. Scarborough’s Family, by 

Anthony Trollope, Part I. .... .15 
Mi Scasborough’sFamily, PtII 15 

134. Arden by A. Mary F. Robinson.15 

135. The Tower of Percemont., ....20 

136. Yolande, by Wm. Black.... 20 

137. Cruel London, by Joseph Hatton.20 

138. The Gilded Clique, by Gaboriau.20 

139. Pike County Folks, E. H. Mott. .20 

140. Cricket on the Hearth 10 

141. Henry Esmond, by Thackeray. .20 

142. Strange Adventures of a Phae- 

ton, by Wm. Black 20 

143. Denis Duval, by Thackeray 10 

144. Old Curiosity Shop, Dickens, PtI. 15 
Old Cariosity Shop, Part II... .15 

145. Ivanhoe, by Scott, Parti 15 

Ivanhoe, by Scott, Part 1 1 15 

146. White Wings, by Wm. Black.. 20 

147. The Sketch Book, by Irving 20 

143. Catherine, by W. M Thackeray.10 

149. Janet’s Repentance, by Eliot 10 

150. Barnaby Ruage, Dickens, Pt I. . 15 

Barnaby Radge, Part II 15 

151. Felik Holt, by George Eliot 20 

152. Richelieu, by Lord Lytton 10 

153. Sunrise, by Wm. Black, Part I . . 15 
Sunrise, by Wm. Black. Part 11.15 

154. Tour of the World in 80 Days. .20 

155. Mystery of Orcival, Gaboriau. . . .20 

156. Lovel, the Widower, by W. M, 

Thackeray .10 

157. Romantic Adventures of a Milk- 

maid, by Thomas Hardy 10 

158. David Copperfield, Dickens, Pt 1.20 

David Copperfleld, Kart II 20 

160. Rienzi, by Lord Ly tton, Part I . . 15 
Rienzi, by Lord Lytton, PartII.15 

161. Promise of Marriage, Gaboriau.. 10 

162. Faith and Unfaith, by The 

Duchess 20 1 


163. The Happy Man, by Lover... 10 

164. Barry Lyndon, by Thackeray.... 20 

165. Eyre’s Acquittal ..10 

166. Twenty Thousand Leagues Un- 

der the Sea, by Jules Verne — 20 

167. Anti-Slavery Days, by James 

Freeman Clarke 20 

168. Beauty’s Daughters, by The 

Duchess 20 

169. Beyond the Sunrise 20 

170. Hard Times, by Charles Dickens.20 

171. Tom Cringle’s Log, by M. Scott. .20 

172. Vanity Fair, by W.M. Thackeray. 20 

173. Underground Russia, Stepniak. .20 

174. Middlemarch, by Elliot, Pt I. ...20 

Middlemarch, Part II — 20 ! 

175. SirTom, by Mrs. Oliphant..... 20 

176. Pelham, by Lord Lytton 20 

177. The Story of Ida 10 

178. Madcap Violet, by Wm. Black.. 20 

1 79. The Little Pilgrim 10 I 

180. Kilmeny, by Wm. Black 20 j 

181. Whist, or Bumblepuppy? 10 } 

182. The Beautiful Wretch, Black.... 20 

183. Her Mother’s Sin, by B. M. Clay.2G 

184. Green Pastures ana Piccadilly, 

by Wm. Black 20 

185. The Mysterious Island, by Jules 

Verne, Part 1 13 

The Mysterious Island, Part II. .15 
The Mysterious Island, Part III. 15 

186. Tom Brown at Oxford, Part I. . .15 
Tom Brown at Oxford, Part II. .15 

187. Thicker than Water, by J. Payn.20 

188. In Silk Attire, by Wm. Black. . .20 

189. Scottish Chiefs, Jane Porter, Pt.1.20 

Scottish Chiefs, Part 11 20 

190. Willy Reilly.by Will Carleton..20 

191. The Nautz Family, by Shelley .20 

192. Great Expectations, by Dickens.20 

193. Pcndennis,by Thackeray. Part 1.20 
Pendennis,by Thackeray , Part 11.20 

194. Widow Bedotfc Papers 20 

195. Daniel Deronda,Geo. Eliot, Pt. 1.20 

Daniel Deronda, Part II 20 

196. AltioraPeto, by Oliphant 20 

197. By the Gate of the Sea, by David 

Christie Murray . . 15 

198. Tales of a Traveller, by Irving. . .20 

199. Life and Voyages of Columbus, 

by Washington Irving, Part I. .20 
Life and Voyages of Columbus, 
by Washington Irving, Part 11.20 

200. The Pilgrim’s Progress. . 20 

201. Martin Chuzzlewit, by Charles 

Dickens, Part 1 20 

Martin Chuzzlewit, Part II 20 

202. Theophrastus Such , Geo. Eliot. . .30 

203. Disarmed, M. Betham-Ed wards.. 15 

204. Eugene Aram, by Lord Lytton. 20 

205. The Spanish Gypsy and Other 

Poems, by George Eliot 20 

208. Cast Up by the Sea. Baker ...... 20 

207. Mill on the Floss, Eliot, Pt. I. ..15 

Mill on tbe Floss, Part II 15 

208. Brother Jacob, and Mr. Gilfll’s 

Love Story, by George Eliot. . . 10 
Wrecks in the Sea of Life. ..... ,20 


BEAUT AM) UEEVE FOOD. 



r 


Vitalized Phos-phites 

COMPOSED OP THE NERVE-GIVING PRINCIPLES OP 
THE OX-BRAIN AND WHEAT-GERM. 

It restores the energy lost by Nervousness or Indigestion ; relieves 
Lassitude and Neuralgia; refreshes the nerves tired by worry, excite- 
ment, or excessive brain fatigue ; strengthens a failing memory, and 
gives renewed vigor in all diseases of Nervous Exhaustion or Debility, 
ft is the only PREVENTIVE FOR CONSUMPTION. 

It aids wonderfully in the mental and bodily growth of infante and 
children. Under its use the teeth come easier , the bones grow better, the skin 
plumper and smoother; the brain acquires more readily, and rests and sleeps 
mors sweetly. An ill fed brain learns no lessons, and is excusable if peevish. 
It gives a happier and better childhood, 

"It is with, the utmost confidence that I recommend this excellent pre- 
paration for the relief of indigestion and for general debility; nay, I do more 
than recommend, 1 really urge all invalids to put it to the test, for in sev- 
eral cases personally known to me signal benefits have been derived from 
its use. I have recently watched its effects on a young friend whcf has 
suffered from indigestion all her life. After taking the Vitalized Phos- 
phites for a fortnight she said to me; * I feel another person; it is a pleas- 
ure to live.* Many hard-working men and women — especially those engaged 
in brain work — would be saved from the fatal resort to chloral and other 
destructive stimulants, if they would have recourse to a remedy so simple 
and so efficacious/* 

Emily Faith full. 

Physicians have prescribed over (100,000 Packages because they 

know its Composition, that it is not a secret remedy, and 

THAT THE FORMULA IS PRINTED ON EVERY LABEL 

For Sale by Druggists or by Mail, $i. 

F. CROSBY CO., 661 and 666 Sixth Avonuo, New York. 

































































































































































































r 




















N • v ' 














































* 














































































4 




. 






















































































* 








































* 


v n 






















































































































